The Age Tuesday 29 December 1998 Heather: my story By HEATHER OSLAND MY heart just aches from not being able to speak out to correct all the wrong reports on my case. I have asked myself over and over, ``How could a jury convict me after listening to my four children give evidence of what was inflicted on us by a cruel and sadistic man who is not here today to account for his actions? A man who tortured their minds - and the mother they loved.'' People say, ``If only I could turn back time''. Can my life be turned around? Would I choose death the first time Frank held my head under water because the bath had been filled past his required depth? The pleading to stop him cutting my face, or should I have bled to death letting him slice my face to pieces with razor blades? Not once, but many times? He said I was too pretty and was flirting. I was afraid to look sideways at any man for fear of the consequences. My daughter Erica cried in my arms when visiting me this month. She will never be able to forget Frank and violence while I'm locked away. The sadness in hearing that she had to sell the contents of her fridge before flying from Perth to be with me when the High Court judges handed down their ``wise'' decision to keep me behind bars. This is a measure of her love for me, a convicted criminal. I should have died so they could live. Sharon, at 18 years, being smashed against the side brick wall after being dragged up the road. Her sin was wanting to be with her new boyfriend on Christmas Day. Sharon cannot cope with her unhappy past. Do you know the heartache of having a son on heroin and watching his pain? Paul's addiction was a way of hiding what was happening behind closed doors, of not having the freedom to love his mother, to enter the house. My children have not lived together since 1982 as family. Does anyone know that? Does anyone care? David deserves to be free. He acted in self-defence to save my life and his own, but he is not free while I'm in prison. The law has to change for the many women who will find themselves in the same position as me. Self-defence is not immediate, self-defence is your state of mind when you want to survive, it is the fear of not surviving another day. Get my four children to tell stories of Frank and watch their behavior. Each one trembles at the mention of his name as they recall horrible memories of his cruelty. I ask, in my wisdom now: should my original counsel have persuaded me to plead manslaughter? Should I have had a strong, aggressive, male barrister to fight my defence in the Bendigo Supreme Court? Would my life be different now? I might be lucky and home free. But I never felt I was guilty of murder. Frank was the guilty one - he ``murdered'' us every day we were with him. Frank raped my mind and my body and now he is raping my soul. ``Not guilty to murder'' - self-defence was my choice. I will pay my debt to society for being so naive. I will go without seeing my grandchildren born and grow. I will stay locked away because from the dock I looked up at a face that I thought I could trust and respect. The judge. Premeditation? We had no plan. If you knew the days leading up to Frank's death, you might have the tiniest bit of understanding; waiting for his arrival home from work, listening, as always for his footsteps. Was he laughing, was he creeping down the driveway? Then his death threats, and the belting of my son. My faith in the justice system has gone, respect for the police force that failed me has gone, my belief there was a reason that I survived those years has gone. But I will not let anyone take away my belief that there is a God, who knows all the answers. Have I been sacrificed by feminists, as Tania Ewing argued on this page on 14December? It's the justice system that let me down. I will carry the cross for other women now this fight has started. I will trust my so-called ``feminist friends''. If it wasn't for them I would never have survived the disappointment brought on by the legal system. I was told by my solicitor that I could go higher. The High Court? I'd never heard of it. Reading a book in my cell called Women and Law by Dr Jocelynne Scutt impressed me. Would this woman be my answer? I needed someone who would believe in me. Would my evidence be different now? Yes. I'm wiser. I'm not as traumatised by memories, I know my rights. I would let all the truth come out: the anal rape, the violence, the fear to move from one room to another, being under his total control. I'd ask why was he so powerful. I needed my conviction overturned by the High Court to have a retrial to be able to do this. If the Government gave $1 for the 180,000 women who were kicked, punched, shot at and scalded by their partners (according to the Bureau of Statistics for 1996), it would help my barrister, Jocelynne Scutt, and the support team lodge papers at the United Nations to address the plight of women like me. Violence to women and children will not stop until authorities protect and educate. Police should not leave when a mother is protecting herself and her children. I've gone from one type of prison to another. Frank's words - ``you're good for nothing'' - ring true. Do I owe society a debt because I survived? Have you seen the terror in my eyes, have you experienced the violence I have, day after day, have you seen the tears I silently cry? If you have, then you have my permission to judge. ``He who is without sin cast the first stone.'' The love of my little dog Bonnie saved my life. I would have committed suicide - my life was too hard. Frank took great pleasure in harming and killing our pets. I can still recall the trauma from watching Frank repetitively belt our German Shepherd. After the last belting we had have the dog put down. I cannot forget and I won't begin to forget until I am free. I take solace in the belief that what has happened to me has happened for a reason. The law has to change for the many women who will find themselves in the same position. But one day when this nightmare ends, I will decide if my life has all been worthwhile - then close my eyes to sleep peacefully. Heather Osland was convicted of the murder of her husband, Frank, and is serving 141/2 years in the Metropolitan Women's Correctional Centre. Her son, David, was acquitted of Frank's murder on the ground of self-defence. E-mail:mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] -- |: Paul Canning [EMAIL PROTECTED] ® http://www.rainbow.net.au/~canning >Queers for Reconciliation http://reconciliation.queer.org.au ® *PoliticalGoo http://www.rainbow.net.au/~canning/politicalgoo >QAnnounce http://announce.queer.org.au/ end ============== Leftlink - Australia's Broad Left Mailing List http://www.alexia.net.au/~www/mhutton/index.html The Year 2000 Bug - An Urgent Sustainability Issue http://www.peg.apc.org/~psutton/grin-y2k.htm
