Date: Tue, 03 Oct 2000 07:32:58 GMT
From: "neil barnes" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
Subject: Re: Fw: Pentagon Phone Menu
<grin>
...not wanting to get into an friendly fire situation...but I seem to have
heard a quote somewhere after a joint US/UK exercise pointing out that the
US army was the best equiped but the worst trained, while the UK army was
exactly the opposite :)
(don't shoot me - all my antecedents are RAF!)
Neil
>From: "Pres Waterman" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
>Reply-To: Libretto <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
>To: Libretto <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
>Subject: Fw: Pentagon Phone Menu
>Date: Mon, 2 Oct 2000 16:45:57 -0700
>
>Date: Mon, 2 Oct 2000 19:27:34 -0400
>From: "Pres Waterman" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
>Subject: Fw: Pentagon Phone Menu
>
>
> >Subject: ARMY OFFICIAL VOICE MAIL MESSAGE
> >
> >"Thank you for calling the British Army. Sorry, but
> >all our units are out, on leave or are otherwise
> >engaged at the moment.
> >
> >Please leave a message, stating: your country, name of
> >organization, the region, the specific crisis, and a
> >number at which we can call you. All calls will be
> >charged at 50p a minute to defray costs.
> >
> >Someone will call you as soon as we have sorted out:
> >the Balkans, Iraq, Northern Ireland, the Millennium
> >Bug, marching up and down bits of tarmac in London,
> >compulsory Equal-Opportunities training, and all our
> >Racism-Awareness courses...
> >
> >Please speak after the tone. If you require more
> >options, please select one of the following:
> >
> >? If your crisis is small and close to the sea,
> >press 1 for The Royal Marines.
> >
> >? If your crisis is distant, with a tropical
> >climate and good hotels, and can be resolved by one or
> >two low-risk bombing runs, please press 'Hash' for the
> >Royal Air Force. Please note that this service is not
> >available after 16:30 hours or on weekends.
> >
> >? If your enquiry concerns a situation which
> >can be resolved by a bit of grey funnel, bunting,
> >flags and a really good marching band, please write
> >well in advance, to: The First Sea Lord, the
> >Admiralty, Whitehall, London SW1.
> >
> >? If your enquiry is not urgent, please press 2
> >for the Allied Rapid Reaction Corps.
> >
> >? If you are in real, hot trouble, please press
> >3, and your call will be routed to Sandline
> >International.
> >
> >? If your crisis can be dealt with from over
> >20,000 feet with no risk and a limited ability to read
> >a tourist map, please contact The US President
> >direct on 001 100 666666.
> >
> >? If your problem is dubious but can be turned
> >to political advantage and blown out of all
> >proportion, please e-mail Tony Blair c/o Bill Clinton
> >[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> >
> >? If your problem can be solved by use of a
> >redundant EU Commissioner with little or no ability,
> >please contact e-mail [EMAIL PROTECTED] to
> >see if her husband is allowed to come.
> >
> >? If you are interested in joining the Army and
> >wish to be shouted at, paid little, have premature
> >arthritis, put your wife and family in a condemned hut
> >miles from civilization and are prepared to work your
> >butt off daily, risking your life in all weathers and
> >terrains, both day and night, whilst watching the
> >Treasury eroding your original terms and conditions of
> >service, the Foreign Secretary giving away the country
> >you wished to defend, the Chancellor destroying your
> >national asset base, your Cabinet giving you away to
> >command by a foreign power, and your Government make a
> >nonsense of your oath of allegiance, then please stay
> >on the line.
> >
> >Your call will shortly be connected to a rather
> >bitter,
> >much passed-over Recruiting Sergeant in a grotty shop
> >down by the railway station.
> >
> >Have a pleasant day, and thank you again for trying to
> >contact the residue of The British Army."
> >
> >*********************************
> >--- [EMAIL PROTECTED] wrote:
> >> Hi y'all,
> >>
> >> When I worked at the library one of my jobs was to
> >> set up the incoming phone
> >> message - if you want reference, press 1; if you
> >> want etc. I thought it was
> >> the stupidest thing in the world. It is a close to
> >> anti-public service as you
> >> can get. But, I wasn't the boss. Besides, it could
> >> be worse - read on.
> >>
> >> Party on,
> >> William
> >>
> >> -----------
> >>
> >> Subject: Pentagon phone menu
> >>
> >> Ever wonder how the trend of replacing human
> >> customer service representatives
> >> with computers could affect the military? Here's
> >> the result. Picture troops
> >> under fire, desperately needing artillery support,
> >> making a phone call and
> >> hearing the following:
> >>
> >> Thank you for calling the 26th Division's automated
> >> artillery support request
> >> line. Please be assured that we will attempt to
> >> assist you with all available
> >> resources in the shortest time possible. For air
> >> support, please call the
> >> U.S. Air Force at 1-800-BOMBNOW.
> >>
> >> [In enemy language: If you are a member of the
> >> [enemy country] army, we will
> >> not be able to assist you. Please contact your own
> >> army's artillery support
> >> request line at 1-800-DIEYANK]
> >>
> >> If you are attacking a fixed enemy position, please
> >> press 1.
> >> If you are engaged in mobile defense, please press
> >> 2.
> >> If you are defending a fixed position, please press
> >> 3.
> >> If you are setting up a hasty defense or are about
> >> to be overrun, please press 4.
> >>
> >> If you wish to cancel a prior fire mission
> >>
> >> request, please press 5.
> >> Press the star key at any time to return to the main
> >
> >> menu.
> >>
> >> Please select the type of fire mission you would
> >> like. If you would like 81 mm. mortars, please
> >> press 1.
> >>
> >> If you would like 105 mm. howitzers, please
> >> press 2.
> >>
> >> If you would like advanced munitions, such
> >> as fuel-oil explosives or scattering mines, please
> >> press 3 to speak with one of our soldier advocates.
> >>
> >> If you would like to request the use of chemical or
> >> nuclear weapons, please press 4 and hold the line.
> >> The Secretary of Defense will speak with you as
> >> soon as possible.
> >>
> >> Enter the map coordinates of the target you would
> >> like to strike, followed by the pound sign. Please
> >> remember to verify your coordinates and remember
> >> that your request may take several minutes to
> >> process.
> >>
> >> [Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep-beep] You have
> >> entered co-ordinates 323451. If this is correct,
> >> please press 1.
> >>
> >> Thank you. Please enter your battalion pass-code,
> >> followed by the pound sign. As soon as we verify
> >> your pass-code, we will begin processing your
> >> request.
> >>
> >> If you have forgotten your pass-code, please contact
> >> 1-800-WE-FUBAR to get a temporary pass-code. Please
> >> enter your passcode now.
> >>
> >> [Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep]
> >>
> >> Thank you. [Pause] Your pass-code has been verified
> >> and your request will be processed. We strongly
> >> suggest that you and your comrades take cover as
> >> soon as possible. Thank you for using the 26th
> >> Division's artillery request support line and have
> >> a pleasant day.
> >
> >
> >__________________________________________________
> >Do You Yahoo!?
> >Yahoo! Photos - 35mm Quality Prints, Now Get 15 Free!
> >http://photos.yahoo.com/
> >
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