A Long Tale Of The Sharks Upon The Land
Once upon a time, O Sultan - hear my story and take heed! - there lived
a sailor. He was, as all experienced sailors are, humble, sober, and
honest to a fault... upon the Sea at least, where these things must be
so lest a sailor's days under the Sun be cut suddenly short. Upon the
land - well, he tried his level best, which is all that can be said for
mortal men. Suffice it to say that he cheated none, and expected - poor
simple soul that he was! - to be treated likewise, and did not accept
this sort of disappointment cheerfully.
One fine day, while repairing his ship - for ships take as much primping
and cosseting as the highest-priced courtesan of Baghdad, O Sultan, and
woe betide him that stints her the least bit of finery that she demands!
- he discovered that he needed a new propeller shaft, as well as needing
to replace the worn pins and bushings in his idler sheaves. So, after
gathering the needed measurements and after carefully checking his
supply of ready coin, he inquired after these things. The results fell
out thus:
1) There was a wizard in the far land of Florida called "General
Propeller", who would send a brand new shaft plus the coupling for $435
plus shipping. This wizard had a mighty reputation, and his long white
beard attested to his years of experience at his craft.
2) There was also a local wizard (in Beaufort NC), called "Bircher
Machine". When first asked by an intermediary, he cited increasing
prices and quoted $800 for a new shaft (!) - but when our sailor looked
him in the eye and asked directly, he revealed that, in the deepest
recesses of his secret hideout, he had exactly the shaft that was needed
- albeit used and somewhat long - for which he had paid only $100!
The latter seemed suitable to our sailor; he would be saving money and
patronizing a local business. In fact, visiting the local wizard's lair
had been fun: there was much interesting machinery to be seen as well as
evidence of the wizard's craft - a steam-driven ship, and scaled-down
but fully functional cannons and mortars! The only sour note in all of
that was... the price.
You look confused and troubled, O Sultan. You say that you distinctly
recall the price of the shaft as being $100? Let me, then, introduce you
to the age-old salesman's trick called "get them hooked, then drive home
the shaft." Am I confusing metaphors, O great one? A thousand pardons...
let us go on.
The wizard had indeed mentioned that he would need to get his $100 out
of the shaft - but the bill that he wrote up was $400. This, mind you,
included a trade-in for the sailor's old bronze shaft - it seems he was
being granted a favor, what luck! When the now-confused sailor asked for
the reason, he heard a long and complicated explanation: a shaft of this
sort would normally cost him $700, but since he was getting it so cheap,
he shouldn't mind paying for a little work... after all, the shaft
needed to be cut and faced, and a new coupling needed to be machined...
When the sailor mentioned the price from the Florida wizard - which
included the coupling - this was waved off with tales of possibly bent
shafts, and HUGE shipping charges, and yards adding mysterious extra
charges, which would bring the price up, up, and up... and would take a
long time besides, while this local miracle of technology could be his
in just a short couple of days - well, after the weekend had passed,
anyway. And it _was_ cheaper anyway, so...
The sailor, by now tired and confused, agreed. While he was there, he
also mentioned that he needed to replace the worn-out bushings and pins,
and asked the wizard if these could be ordered (the price of the
bushings being under a dollar apiece, and the replacement process but a
few seconds with a press which was sitting right there in the shop.) The
wizard agreed, saying that he could get the parts in a day or two, and
the sailor headed for home, with this repair item being moved into the
"in process" column on his mental checklist.
As the days passed, and there was no phone call from the local wizard,
our sailor began to worry. He called, and called, and finally got an
answer: his shaft would be ready tomorrow. Well, probably. But Friday
for *sure!* (Just to note, O Sultan: that would make the total time more
than a week, since the sailor had originally gone to the shop on the
preceding Wednesday.) So, Wednesday, no shaft. Thursday, not yet - but
almost! - ready. Friday... OK, it's done!!!, and...
- "That'll be $900, please."
Our sailor was... a bit non-plussed (that's an expression we
story-tellers use, O Sultan, to make fun of the fact that he was in fact
flabbergasted and could barely say a word.)
- "What are you _talking_ about? $900 for what?"
- "Well, you see, the real price of this shaft is $700..."
- "No, we've been over that before. You wrote me a bill for $400,
remember?"
- "Oh, right. Well, we had to order the oilite for your bushings and
then machine it, and at $85 an hour..."
- "I DID NOT ASK YOU TO DO THAT. I asked you to replace the bushings,
about a 2-minute job on the press. The bushings are about a dollar
apiece."
- "Well, but they wouldn't fit nearly as well as the ones we made...
fine, just come pick up your shaft. No, actually - IF YOU'RE GOING TO
TREAT ME LIKE THAT, then I don't want to do business with you at all!"
....
I know what you're thinking, O Sultan. Nine minus four equals five;
therefore, our sailor was being asked to pay five hundred dollars for a
pair of bushings and pins. Insanity? Greed shutting down any semblance
of sense? Forgetting the agreed-upon price and then having too much
stupid pride to back down? I suppose we'll never know.
What's that you say, O Sultan? By the beard of the Prophet, I _did_
forget the customary "lived happily ever after" part, didn't I? Well.
All right then; here's what we know, and the rest we must trust to the
future:
The sailor, after taking a few calming breaths, called the Wizard of
Florida, who honored the original quoted price to the penny; the
shipment would go out on Monday (the first business day following, as
this was a Friday) and should arrive Wednesday; the shipping charges
were not very high despite the quick delivery. Calling yet another
wizard, Edson, who had originally produced the steering system, brought
the shipment of new sheaves, including bushings and pins, on about the
same schedule - with the cost being about $100 apiece (the old sheaves
were a bit worn anyway, and replacing them was not a bad idea.) If all
goes well, he should be back in the water by next Friday - and on his
way south shortly thereafter.
Thus endeth my tale, O Sultan. A bag of gold would make a good token of
your esteem...
Ben
--
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