Copyright 2001 Onion, Inc., All rights reserved. http://www.theonion.com/ 26
September 2001
NEW YORK ”Responding to recent events on Earth, God, the omniscient
creator-deity worshipped by billions of followers of various faiths for more
than 6,000 years, angrily clarified His longtime stance against humans killing
each other Monday.
"Look, I don't know, maybe I haven't made myself completely clear, so for the
record, here it is again," said the Lord, His divine face betraying visible
emotion during a press conference near the site of the fallen Twin Towers.
"Somehow, people keep coming up with the idea that I want them to kill their
neighbor. Well, I don't. And to be honest, I'm really getting sick and tired of
it. Get it straight. Not only do I not want anybody to kill anyone, but I
specifically commanded you not to, in really simple terms that anybody ought
to be able to understand."
Worshipped by Christians, Jews, and Muslims alike, God said His name has been
invoked countless times over the centuries as a reason to kill in what He
called "an unending cycle of violence."
"I don't care how holy somebody claims to be," God said. "If a person tells you
it's My will that they kill someone, they're wrong. Got it? I don't care what
religion you are, or who you think your enemy is, here it is one more time: No
killing, in My name or anyone else's, ever again."
The press conference came as a surprise to humankind, as God rarely intervenes
in earthly affairs. As a matter of longstanding policy, He has traditionally
left the task of interpreting His message and divine will to clerics, rabbis,
priests, imams, and Biblical scholars. Theologians and laymen alike have been
given the task of pondering His ineffable mysteries, deciding for themselves
what to do as a matter of faith. His decision to manifest on the material plane
was motivated by the deep sense of shock, outrage, and sorrow He felt over the
Sept. 11 violence carried out in His name, and over its dire potential
ramifications around the globe.
"I tried to put it in the simplest possible terms for you people, so you'd get
it straight, because I thought it was pretty important," said God, called
Yahweh and Allah respectively in the Judaic and Muslim traditions. "I guess I
figured I'd left no real room for confusion after putting it in a four-word
sentence with one-syllable words, on the tablets I gave to Moses. How much more
clear can I get?"
"But somehow, it all gets twisted around and, next thing you know, somebody's
spouting off some nonsense about, 'God says I have to kill this guy, God wants
me to kill that guy, it's God's will,'" God continued. "It's not God's will,
all right? News flash: 'God's will' equals 'Don't murder people.'"
Worse yet, many of the worst violators claim that their actions are justified
by passages in the Bible, Torah, and Qur'an.
"To be honest, there's some contradictory stuff in there, okay?" God said. "So
I can see how it could be pretty misleading. I admit it--My bad. I did My best
to inspire them, but a lot of imperfect human agents have misinterpreted My
message over the millennia. Frankly, much of the material that got in there is
dogmatic, doctrinal bullshit. I turn My head for a second and, suddenly, all
this stuff about homosexuality gets into Leviticus, and everybody thinks it's
God's will to kill gays. It absolutely drives Me up the wall."
God praised the overwhelming majority of His Muslim followers as "wonderful,
pious people," calling the perpetrators of the Sept. 11 attacks rare
exceptions.
"This whole medieval concept of the jihad, or holy war, had all but vanished
from the Muslim world in, like, the 10th century, and with good reason," God
said. "There's no such thing as a holy war, only unholy ones. The vast majority
of Muslims in this world reject the murderous actions of these radical
extremists, just like the vast majority of Christians in America are pissed off
over those two bigots on The 700 Club."
Continued God, "Read the book: 'Allah is kind, Allah is beautiful, Allah is
merciful.' It goes on and on that way, page after page. But, no, some a$$holes
have to come along and revive this stupid holy-war crap just to further their
own hateful agenda. So now, everybody thinks Muslims are all murderous
barbarians. Thanks, Taliban: 1,000 years of pan-Islamic cultural progress down
the drain."
God stressed that His remarks were not directed exclusively at Islamic
extremists, but rather at anyone whose ideological zealotry overrides his or
her ability to comprehend the core message of all world religions.
"I don't care what faith you are, everybody's been making this same mistake
since the dawn of time," God said. "The Muslims massacre the Hindus, the Hindus
massacre the Muslims. The Buddhists, everybody massacres the Buddhists. The
Jews, don't even get me started on the hardline, right-wing, Meir Kahane-loving
Israeli nationalists, man. And the Christians? You people believe in a Messiah
who says, 'Turn the other cheek,' but you've been killing everybody you can get
your hands on since the Crusades."
Growing increasingly wrathful, God continued: "Can't you people see? What are
you, morons? There are a ton of different religious traditions out there, and
different cultures worship Me in different ways. But the basic message is
always the same: Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, Shintoism... every
religious belief system under the sun, they all say you're supposed to love
your neighbors, folks! It's not that hard a concept to grasp."
"Why would you think I'd want anything else? Humans don't need religion or God
as an excuse to kill each other--you've been doing that without any help from
Me since you were freaking apes!" God said. "The whole point of believing in
God is to have a higher standard of behavior. How obvious can you get?"
"I'm talking to all of you, here!" continued God, His voice rising to a shout.
"Do you hear Me? I don't want you to kill anybody. I'm against it, across the
board. How many times do I have to say it? Don't kill each other anymore--ever!
I'm f$cking serious!"
Upon completing His outburst, God fell silent, standing quietly at the podium
for several moments. Then, witnesses reported, God's shoulders began to shake,
and He wept. © Copyright 2001 Onion, Inc., All rights reserved.
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