Fw:

[Don & Tonie]

Beer Troubleshooting Guide:   Symptom: Feet cold and wet. Cause: Glass being held at incorrect angle. Solution: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. Symptom: Feet warm and wet. Cause: Improper bladder control. Solution: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training. Symptom: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. Cause: Glass empty. Solution: Get someone to buy you another beer. Symptom: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. Cause: You have fallen over backward. Solution: Have yourself leashed to bar. Symptom: Mouth contains cigarette butts. Cause: You have fallen forward. Solution: See above. Symptom: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. Cause: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. Solution: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. Symptom: Floor blurred. Cause: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. Solution: Get someone to buy you another beer. Symptom: Floor moving. Cause: You are being carried out. Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. Symptom: Room seems unusually dark. Cause: Bar has closed. Solution: Confirm home address with bartender. Symptom: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. Cause: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. Solution: Cover mouth.     ============================    Signs Your Librarian is Nuts    ============================  1. Instead of scanning barcode on book at checkout, seductively licks the inside cover.  2. Flashes patrons and yells, "Hey! Check THIS out!"  3. No matter what book you ask for, she hands you the book "Libraries for Dummies."  4. When you ask for an appendix, (s)he winks suggestively and shows you (his)her scar.  5. Replaces the overdue book fine with canings from the "Rod of Literary Tardiness".  6. Always doing donuts with the bookmobile in the parking lot.  7. Inserts revealing photos of him/herself in copies of Gray's Anatomy.  8. Uses the "Dewer's Decimal System", which involves regular belts of scotch.  9. Instead of a simple "Shhhh," uses a bullhorn to say, "One more sound and I'm calling the cops!"  ================================================= ================================================= How to Place New Employees in a Proper Department =================================================  Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.  If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.  If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.  If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting.  If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.  If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche.  If the room has a sweaty odor, perhaps they're destined for the Help Desk.  If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing.  If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well. If they are sleeping, they are Management material. If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team. If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.  If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.      OK, who hates Britney??? Anyone? Well, you HAVE to check out this link�it�s hilarious!!!!     http://www.funnyforwards.com/whackbritney.html   --- Outgoing mail is certified Virus Free. Checked by AVG anti-virus system (http://www.grisoft.com). Version: 6.0.372 / Virus Database: 207 - Release Date: 20-06-02