Someone posted this on Banned a few years ago. Seems appropriate.
Rick Sent from my iPhone Begin forwarded message: > This is from news hound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal: > > I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment > for > a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram > of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one > point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the > colonoscopy > procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded > thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was > shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!' > > I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a > product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box > > large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail > later; > for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands > of > America 's enemies. > > I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, > on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my > > preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food > that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically > > water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You > mix > two packets of powder together in a one-liter > > plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with > the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the > whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am > being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint > of lemon. > > The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense > of > humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may > result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you > may > experience contact with the ground. > > MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: > Have > you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep > experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode > had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, > spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you > must > be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, > as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating > food that you have not even eaten yet. > > After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my > wife > drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous... Not only was I worried about the > procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep > spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a > friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough. > > At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and > totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a > room > full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space > and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by > sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more > naked than when you are actually naked. > > Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. > Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already > lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.. > At > first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what > would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you > were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to > burn your house. > > When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where > Andy > was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the > 17,000-foot > tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously > nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the > anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There > was > music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by > ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during > this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate. > > 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I > said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a > decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell > you, > in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. > > I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling > 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was > back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down > at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent > when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with > flying > colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ. > > > > > > > > On the subject of Colonoscopies... > > > > > Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite > humorous...... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made > by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their > colonoscopies: > > > > > 1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before! > > 2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?' > > 3. 'Can you hear me NOW?' > > 4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?' > > 5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.' > > 6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?' > > 7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...' > > 8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!' > > 9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit! > > 10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.' > > 11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?' > > 12. now I know why I am not gay.' > > And the best one of all. > > 13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?' > _______________________________________ http://www.okiebenz.com To search list archives http://www.okiebenz.com/archive/ To Unsubscribe or change delivery options go to: http://mail.okiebenz.com/mailman/listinfo/mercedes_okiebenz.com
