Car Manufacturing Philosophies



Each carmaker on the planet has a different philosophy about How a Car
Should Be Put Together. Let's take a single case... Let us say there is a
single hypothetical panel in a hypothetical car. As a baseline, a totally
unbiased (and therefore, Martian) engineer examines this cover and
determines that it should be held in place with five phillips-head
(crosshead) screws.

JAPAN: The japanese would hold it down with exactly five .05c screws.
Boring, reliable, soulless, exactly what is needed.

UNITED STATES: For a long time, a US car's panel would be held on with three
screws. This has changed, and now not only does it have five screws, all
floor workers must have a communal decision as to how many screws it needs,
and have the ability to stop the line entirely should a single screw be a
funny color.

GREAT BRITIAN: As with the US, previously this car's panel would be held on
with three screws. Additionally, these screws would be flat-head style and
made of Britishinium Metal, a mysterious alloy that can rust sitting under
six inches of oil. Nowadays all the car companies have been sold to the US
or Germany, so see those entries.

FRANCE: Only Americans would be so obnoxious as to think how a panel is held
on is important. Unions and employee pride are of far more concern. Please
come with us to strike for ten more weeks paid vacation.

GERMANY: Every panel on every car is held on with precisely ten
aircraft-grade titanium/tungsten alloy nuts and bolts torqued to precisely
15.402 lbs-ft. Replacements are sold only in sets of 20, and typically cost
$350US. A German mechanic will explain to you, in graphic detail, exactly
what would happen should you use a "lower quality" nut or bolt.

RUSSIA: Owing to parts shortages, each panel is welded in place. A cutter
costs 8,000,000,000,000,000 rubles (about $12.15 US), and the official wait
is approximately 28 months. However, a stranger named "Igor" will sell you a
cutter right away for $40 US (cash only). You notice PROPERTY OF SOVIET ARMY
scratched out on the side.

ITALY (Goes Fast approach): The Italian is somewhat different. If the panel
has something to do with making the car Go Fast, it will be just like
Germany's entry, with the addition that every bolt head will have a
beautiful logo cast into it.

ITALY (Everything Else): The italian panel has no screws at all. Rather, it
is held in with a very clever arrangement of grommets, snap rings, and
C-clips so that it seems to be Part of the Car. However, due to lack of
testing, the rubber in the grommets rots in a few years, and since the panel
can only be removed with special tool AR001.2399943.011034444.2.1.1, the
rubber is hardly ever replaced and so tends to rattle. Enthusiasts of this
car will have endless debates on the value of this panel, some will remove
it, some will maintain it religiously, and at least one author will write a
book telling you how to make a tool that will work out of a '73 GMC lug
wrench.

SWEDEN: The panel in a swedish car is held on with 25 screws. Curiously, one
has to put the car in reverse in order to remove it.



 

 

Thanks,

Tom Hargrave

www.kegkits.com

256-656-1924

 

 

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