Hello. I've been compiling a whole bunch of jokes
I've collected over the last few months and
thought I'd pass them all on to everyone. I
thought perhaps we could all do with some
humerous relief right now!! Anyway, this is part
one, hope you haven't heard too many of them
already!!
Sime.
The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the
winter was going to be cold
or not.
Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies
that the winter was going
to be cold, and that the members of the village
were to collect wood to be
prepared for a cold winter.
Being a good leader, he then went to the next
phone booth and called the
National Weather Service and asked, "Is this
winter to be cold?" The man on
the phone responded, "This winter is going to be
quite cold indeed."
So the Chief went back to speed up his people to
collect even more wood to
be prepared. A week later he called the National
Weather Service again, "Is
it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very
cold winter." So the Chief
goes back to his people and orders them to go
and find every scrap of wood
they can find.
Two weeks later he calls the National Weather
Service again, "Are you
absolutely sure that the winter is going to be
very cold?"
"Absolutely, we made a study," the weather man
replies, "the Indians are
collecting wood like crazy!"
*****************************************
I was waiting in the pub last night for my
mate.......half an hour late he
was!
So I asked him where he'd been.
He told me he'd taken the short cut over the
railway line at the bottom of
the street, and there lying on the track stark
naked was a gorgeous girl.
Well he said, I wasn't going to miss an
opportunity like that was I?
Bloody hell, you jammy bastard I said, did you
get a blow job as well?
No, he said..........I couldn't find the head.
****************************************
A blonde bought two horses and could never
remember which
was which. A neighbour suggested that she cut off
the tail
of one horse, which worked great until the other
horse got
his tail caught in a bush. The second horse's
tail tore in
the same place and looked exactly like the other
horse's
tail.
Our blonde friend was stuck again.
The neighbour then suggested that she notch the
ear of one
horse, which worked fine until the other horse
caught his
ear on a barbed wire fence.
Once again, our blonde friend couldn't tell the
two horses
apart.
The neighbour then suggested that she measure the
horses for
height. When she did that, the blonde was very
pleased to
find that the white horse was 2 inches taller
than the
black one.
***************************************
Terry Davies was walking along Blackpool beach
deep in prayer.
All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord grant me
one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a
booming voice the Lord said,
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in
all ways Terry, I will grant you one wish."
Terry said, "Build a bridge to the Isle Of Man,
so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very
materialistic.
Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of
undertaking.
The supports required to reach the bottom of the
Ocean!
The concrete and steel it would take!
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify
your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of another
wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify
me."
Terry thought about it for a long time.
Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could
understand women,
I want to know how they feel inside, what they
are thinking when they give me the silent
treatment,
why they cry, what they mean when they say
'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly
happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on
that bridge?"
************************************
Lewis's cousin, the farmer, ordered a high-tech
milking machine. Since
> the equipment arrived when his wife was out of
town, he decided to
> test it on himself first. So, he inserted his
penis into the
> equipment, turned the switch on and everything
else was automatic.
>
> Soon, he realized that the equipment provided
him with as much
> pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was
over, though, he quickly
> realized that he couldn't remove the instrument
from his penis. He
> read the manual but didn't find any useful
information. He tried
> every button on the instrument, but still
without success. Finally,
> the farmer decided to call the supplier's
Customer Service Hot Line.
>
> "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from
your company. It works
> fantastic, but how do I remove it from the
cow's udder?" "Don't
> worry," replied the customer service rep, "The
machine will release
> automatically once it's collected two gallons."
********************************
A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th
anniversary. That
night the wife approached her husband wearing the
exact same sexy
negligee she had worn on their wedding night. She
looked at her
husband and said, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do.
You wore that same
negligee the night we were married."
She said, "That's right. Do you remember what yo
said to me that
night?"
He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember."
"Well, what was it?" she asked.
He responded, "As I remember, I said, 'Oh baby,
I'm going to suck the
life out of those big tits and screw your brains
out.' "
She giggled and said, "Yes honey, that's exactly
what you said. So,
now it's 50 years later, and I'm in the same
negligee I wore that
night. What do you have to say tonight?"
Again he looked up at her, and he replied,
"Mission accomplished."
*****************************************
After a long night of making love the young guy
rolled over, pulled out a
cigarette from his jeans and searched for his
lighter. Unable to find it, he
asked the girl if she had one handy. "There might
be some matches in the top
drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and
found a box of matches setting
neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
...Naturally, the guy
began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his
ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered
guy.
.
.
.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the
operation."
****************************************
DOE RE MI BEER,
by Homer J. Simpson.
DOUGH... the stuff...that buys me beer...
RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...
ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer,
FAR..... the distance to my beer
SO...... I think I'll have a beer...
LA...... La la la la la la beer
TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...
That will bring us back to...(Looks into an
empty glass)
DOH!
********************************************
Natwest is very pleased to inform you that we are
installing New
"Drive-through" cash point machines where our
customers will be able to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
To enable our customers to
make full use of these new facilities, we have
conducted intensive
behavioural studies to come up with appropriate
procedures for their use.
Please read the procedures that apply to you
(i.e. MALE or FEMALE), and
remember them for when you use our new machines
for the first time.
PROCEDURES FOR OUR MALE CUSTOMERS:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Wind down your car window.
3. Insert the card into the machine and
enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and
withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Wind up window.
7. Drive off.
PROCEDURES FOR OUR FEMALE CUSTOMERS:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse the required distance to align
car window with cash machine.
3. Re-start the stalled engine.
4. Wind down the window.
5. Find handbag, remove all contents on to
passenger seat to locate
card.
6. Turn the radio down.
7. Attempt to insert card into machine.
8. Open car door to allow easier access to
cash machine due to its
excessive distance from the car.
9. Insert card.
10.Re-insert the card the right way up.
11.Re-enter handbag to find diary with your
PIN written on the inside
back page.
12.Enter PIN.
13.Press "Cancel" and re-enter correct PIN.
14.Enter amount of cash required.
15.Check make-up in rear view mirror.
16.Retrieve cash and receipt.
17.Empty handbag again to locate purse and
place cash inside.
18.Place receipt in back of cheque book.
19.Re-check make-up.
20.Drive forward 2 meters.
21.Reverse back to cash machine.
22.Retrieve card.
23.Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and
place card into the slot
provided.
24.Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25.Drive for 2 to 3 kilometres.
26.Release handbrake.
That's it for now, more very soon!!
=====
"Whatever the question...
...LOVE is the answer"
__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Find the one for you at Yahoo! Personals
http://personals.yahoo.com
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