Hello hello hello, here we go again!!I've been informed that some people object to me posting these jokes as they are not exactly within the topic of the group, but hey, if you don't wanna read them, just delete it, only takes a second!! Thanks to those who have let me know they are enjoying these !!!There's only 3 left now BTW.
Sime. A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to >walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" >To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, >son.... Men use them to have safe sex." >"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in >health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a >package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package." >The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one >for Saturday, and one for Sunday." >"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are >these for?" "Those are for college men." the dad answers, "TWO for >Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." >"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up >a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. >One for January, one for February, one for March........ ************************************** Little Jimmy, 6 years old, was pestering his mother, so she said, > > "Jimmy, why don't you go across the street and watch the builders work? > Maybe you will learn something." > > Jimmy was gone about two hours. When he came home, his mother asked him > what he had learned. > > Jimmy replied, > > "Well, first you put the God damn door up. Then the son of a bitch doesn't > fit, so you have to take a cunt hair off each side and put the mother fucker > back up." > > Jimmy's mother said, "You just wait till your dad comes home." > > When Jimmy's dad got home, Mom told him to ask Jimmy what he had learned > across the street. Jimmy told him the whole story. > > Dad said, "Jimmy, you go outside and get the switch." > > Jimmy replied, "Fuck you, that's the electrician's job." > > > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- -- > ---- > > > BUMPER STICKERS > > Could you drive any better if I shoved that cell phone up your ASS? > > If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you. > > Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole. > > 1,000,000 sperm and YOU were the fastest? > > Your gene pool needs some chlorine. > > You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me, and not you. > > DON'T PISS ME OFF! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES. > > You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT. > > Save Your Breath... You'll need it to blow up your date! > > Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal. > > Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them. > > I used to have a handle on life, but it broke. > > WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. > > BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore. > > So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute? > > I need someone really bad... Are you really bad? > > The more you complain, the longer God makes you live. > > IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got. > > Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs. > > Out of my mind...Back in 5 minutes. > > Hang up and drive. > > Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips. > > I took an IQ test and the results were negative. > > Where there's a will...I want to be in it. > > It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. > > Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill your drink. > > We are born naked, wet and hungry....Then things get rougher. > > Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. > > Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? > > Be nice to your kids....They will choose your nursing home. With summer approaching this may help guide you in an appropriate exercise > program... ********************************************* > > Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? > > A: Your heart is good for only so many beats, and that's it. Everything > wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; > that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it > faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. > > Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? > > A: You must grasp the notion of logistical efficiencies. What does a cow > eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing > more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. > Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green > leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended > daily allowance of vegetable slop. > > Q: Is beer or wine bad for me? > > A: It goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all > know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: > animal, mineral and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not > animal, and they're not on the periodic table of elements, so that only > leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and, thus, > enjoy your liquid vegetables. > > Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? > > A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to > one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. > > Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench > press. What did he mean? > > A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up > your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs; though if you find > that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going to the gym, you probably > ought to re-evaluate your social life. > > Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise > program? > > A: Sorry ... Can't think of a single one. My philosophy is: No Pain-No > Pain. (and remember if you want to stay in shape, Round IS a shape) > > Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the > middle? > > A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should > be doing sit-ups only if you want a bigger stomach. > > I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had regarding > food and exercise. Now go be good to yourself. Be healthy & happy. Have > a steak, drink some booze, then take a nap! > > > =================== > > > A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible > language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it." > > When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder. > > "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was > going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over > the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going > only about 100 yards." > > "Is that when you swore?" > > "No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes > and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away." > > "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again. > > "Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle > came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to > fly away!" > > "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun. > > "No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew > near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball." > > "Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient. > > "No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled > onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole." > > The two nuns were silent for a moment. > > Realization dawning, Mother Superior sighed and said, > � "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?" ********************************** A bus stops and an Italian and friend get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears the Italian say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady idignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the Italian. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'." ************************************** A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh shrimps, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out the window. After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch." "Listen, love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train." He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the shrimps. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep. The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles. After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?" "It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train." At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out the window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord. The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined �200 for that!" To which the old woman replied, . . "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers." ===== "Whatever the question... ...LOVE is the answer" __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Yahoo! 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