-- Topica Digest --
jokes and all that part 7 02.12.01
By [EMAIL PROTECTED]
****Lambretta Scooters
By [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: jokes and all that part 7 02.12.01
By [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Burners
By [EMAIL PROTECTED]
RE: Burners
By [EMAIL PROTECTED]
------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Sun, 2 Dec 2001 08:44:31 -0800 (PST)
From: simon young <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
Subject: jokes and all that part 7 02.12.01
Not long to go now...honest!
A blind man interviews for a job as a quality
controller at a wood mill.
>
> The manager calls the blind man into his office
and asks him how he
expects
> to do this job since he is blind. The blind
man replies he would do it by
> smell.
>
> The manager decides to test him and places a
piece of wood in front of
him.
> The manager asks, "What is it, without touching
it?"
>
> The blind man replies, "That's a good piece of
fir."
>
> "Correct," says the manager, "now try this
one."
>
> "That's a bad piece of willow," says the blind
man.
>
> "Correct," answers the manager.
>
> With that, the manager decides to play a little
joke on the blind man. He
> has his secretary lift up her dress and put her
crotch close to the blind
> man's face.
>
> "I'm confused," says the blind man, "Can you
turn it around?"
>
> The secretary turns around and puts her ass in
his face.
>
> The blind man says, "Oh, you're trying to fool
me! But I know exactly
what
> kind of wood that is. It's the shithouse door
off a tuna boat!"
>
> ----------------------------------------
>
> On their first night together, a newlywed
couple prepares for bed. The
> bride comes out of the bathroom wearing a
beautiful robe. The proud
husband
> says, "My dear, we are married now, you can
open your robe."
>
> The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and
he is astonished. "Oh, oh,
> aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so
beautiful, let me take your
> picture.
>
> Puzzled she asks, "My picture?"
>
> He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your
beauty next to my heart
> forever".
>
> She smiles and he takes her picture, and then
he heads into the bathroom
to
> shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the
new wife asks, "Why do you
> wear a robe? We are married now."
>
> At that the man opens his robe and she
exclaims, "Oh, MY, let me get a
> picture".
>
> He beams and asks why.
>
> She answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"
********************************************
Ok this is not for
the
delicate..so stop now.
This has just been passed to me by one of the
boys
in the office...I think he sent it to me to see
my
reaction....he knows I can't spell very well.
A case of miss spelling....Pete would like this
:-)
poor Lorraine..will she ever get over it.
This is a genuine e-mail from the receptionist at
Sun
Microsystems Corporate HQ, and went out to all
corporate employees....a real bright sparc?
To: All Corporate Employees
Subject: Copier!
Date: Thursday, July 24, 1997 12:48PM
PLEASE, PLEASE, please, please, please - I am
begging
here - keep any and all paper clips away from the
copier! We have had two service calls in the last
few
days removing paper clips, staples and a binder
clip from the innards of the copier. PLEASE be
really,
really,really, really careful around the copier.
Especially
the document handler,which seems to
suck clits like a vacuum cleaner.
Thanks for your help.
Regards
Lorraine
*********************************************
Two buddies, Tony and Fred, are getting very
drunk at a bar when suddenly
> Fred throws up all over himself.
>
> "Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!" he wails.
>
> Tony says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a
twenty in your breast pocket,
> tell Jane that someone threw up on you and gave
you twenty dollars for the
> dry cleaning bill.
>
> So they stay for another couple of hours and
get even drunker.
>
> Eventually, Fred rolls on home and his Jane
starts to give him a bad time.
>
> "You reek of alcohol and you've vomited all
over yourself! My God,
you're
> disgusting! My mother was right about you!"
>
> Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Fred
says,
>
> "Nowainaminit, I can'splain everything! Itsh
not wha' you think. I only
> had a couple drinks. But this other guy got
sick on me.......he'd had one
> too many and he just couldn't hold his liquor.
He said he was very sorry
> an' gave me twenty bucks for the cleaning
bill!"
>
> Jane looks at the money and says, "But this is
forty dollars."
>
> "Oh, yeah... I almos' forgot, he shit in my
pants, too."
**************************************
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding
and has the following
exchange:
> > >Officer: May I see your driver's license?
> > >Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended
when I got to 12 points.
> > >Officer: May I see the registration
documents for this vehicle?
> > >Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
> > >Officer: The car is stolen?
> > >Driver: That's right. But come to think of
it, I think I saw the
owner's documents in the glove box when I was
putting my gun in there.
> > >Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
> > >Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after
I shot and killed the
woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the
boot.
> > >Officer: There's a BODY in the BOOT?!?!?
> > >Driver: Yes, sir.
> > >Hearing this, the officer immediately called
his sergeant. The car was
quickly surrounded by police, and the sergeant
approached the driver to
handle the tense situation:
> > >Sergeant: Sir, can I see your license?
> > >Driver: Sure. Here it is.
> > >It was valid.
> > >Sergeant: Who's car is this?
> > >Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the
registration documents.
> > >The driver owned the car.
> > >Sergeant: Could you slowly open your glove
box so I can see if there's
a gun in it?
> > >Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
> > >Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove
box.
> > >Sergeant: Would you mind opening your boot?
I was told you said there's
a body in it.
> > >Driver: No problem.
> > >Trunk is opened; no body.
Sergeant - : I don't understand it. The officer
who stopped you said you
told him you didn't have a license, stole the
car, had a gun in
the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in
the boot.
> > >Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying bastard
told you I was speeding, too.
************************************
3 Bears
Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small
chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his
big chair. He looks
into his big bowl. It is also empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving
hatch from the kitchen
and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we
have to go through
this?
It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
It was Mummy Bear who woke everybody else in the
house up.
It was Mummy Bear who made all the beds and
washed all of the
clothes.
It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher
from last night and put
everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who went out into the cold
early morning air to
fetch the newspaper.
It was Mummy Bear who set the table.
It was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned
the litter box and
filled the cat's water & food dish.
And now that you've decided to come down stairs
and grace me with
your presence... listen good because I'm only
going to say this one more
time.....
I HAVEN'T MADE THE F .........G PORRIDGE YET!!"
*******************************************
Signs That You Drink Too Much
> > * Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking
you.
> >
> > * You fall off the floor.
> >
> > * You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
> >
> > * You have to hold on to the lawn to keep
from falling off the earth.
> >
> > * The back of your head keeps getting hit by
the toilet seat.
> >
> > * 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case -
coincidence?? You think not!
> >
> > * You can focus better with one eye closed.
> >
> > * The parking lot seems to have moved while
you were in the bar.
> >
> > * 5 beers has just as many calories as a
burger, fuck dinner!
> >
> > * Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
> >
> > * Roseanne looks good.
> >
> > * That damned pink elephant followed you
home again.
> >
> > * Every night you're beginning to find your
roommate's cat more and
more
> attractive.
> >
> > * Two hands and just one mouth...now THAT'S
a drinking problem!
> >
> > * You spent Sunday night in jail for
cow-tipping - with your SUV.
> >
> > * Thanks to you, Jack Daniel's stock is up
15 1/4 since Friday.
> >
> > * Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has
brought you some of Aunt Bea's
> pancakes.
> >
> > * You're the inventor of the "Slim Jim":
Slim-Fast shakes made with
Jim
> Beam.
> >
> > * Absolut wants to run an add featuring a
picture of your liver in the
> shape of a bottle.
> >
> > * Cleaners employees greet you with, "Hey,
it's Vomit Man!"
> >
> > * The doorman asks for you I.D. just to see
how long it'll take you to
> find your pants.
> >
> > * Your liver, desperate, leaps out of your
abdominal cavity into a pan
of
> frying onions.
> >
> > * Worried friends call Monday morning to
make sure you returned the
goat.
> >
> > * You are lying in bed and it feels like
you're on a merry-go-round.
> >
> > * You walk up to a real big dude and ask,
"Is it true big guys have
small
> peckers?"
> >
> > * You fart and then feel a lump in your back
pocket.
> >
********************************************
A CORK radio station was running a competition
- words that weren't in the
> dictionary yet could still be used in a
sentence that would make logical
> sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.
>
> DJ: "96 FM here, what's your name?"
>
> Caller: "Hi, me name's Dave."
>
> DJ: "Dave, what's your word?"
>
> Caller: "Goan... spelt G-O-A-N pronounced
'go-an'."
>
> DJ: "You are correct, Dave, 'goan' is not in
the dictionary. Now, for a
> trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that
word in that would make
sense?"
>
> Caller: "Goan fuck yourself!"
>
> The DJ cut the caller off and took other
calls, all unsuccessful until:
>
> DJ: "96 FM, what's your name?"
>
> Caller: "Hi, me name's Jeff."
>
> DJ: "Jeff, what's your word?"
>
> Caller: "Smee, spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced
'smee'."
>
> DJ: "You are correct, Jeff, 'smee' is not in
the dictionary. Now, for a
> trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that
word in that would make
sense?"
>
� Caller: "Smee again! Goan fuck yourself!"
*********************************************
> >Far away in the tropical waters of the
Caribbean, two prawns were
> swimming
> >around in the sea - one called Justin and the
other called Christian. The
>
> >prawns were constantly being harassed and
threatened by sharks that
> >patrolled the area. Finally one day during a
tropical storm, Justin said
> >to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at
being a prawn, I wish I was a
> >shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about
being eaten". As Justin had
>
> >his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a
flash of lightning hit the
> water
> >and, lo and behold, Justin turned into a
shark. Horrified, Christian
> >immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten
by his old mate.
> >
> >Time went on (as it invariably does...) and
Justin found himself becoming
>
> >bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates
simply swam away whenever
> >he came close to them. Justin didn't realise
that his new menacing
> >appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
During the next tropical
> >storm, Justin figured that the same lightning
force could change him back
>
> >into a prawn. Lightning never strikes twice
except in stories like these,
>
> >but while he was thinking of being a prawn, a
flash of lightning struck
> >the water next to Justin and, lo and behold,
he turned back into prawn.
> >With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes,
Justin swam back to his
> friends
> >and bought them all a cocktail. (The punch
line does not involve a prawn
> >cocktail - it's much worse). Looking around
the gathering at the reef, he
>
> >searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?"
he asked. "He's at home,
> >distraught that his best friend changed sides
to the enemy and became a
> >shark", came the reply.
> >
> >Eager to put things right again and end the
mutual pain and torture, he
> >set off to Christian's house. As he opened the
coral gate,the memories
> >came flooding back. He banged on the door and
shouted, "It's me,Justin,
> >your old friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied,"No way,
> >man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy,
and I'll not be tricked."
> >Justin cried back " No I'm not. That was the
old me. I've changed..."
> >
> >
> >Wait for it!
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >Wait for it!!
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >.."I'm a prawn again
Christian"......................!
>
*********************************************>
Lee was bragging to his boss one day, "You know,
I know everyone there is to
know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.
"
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff,
"OK, Lee how about Tom
Cruise? "
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can
prove it. "
So Lee and his boss fly out to Hollywood and
knock on Tom Cruise's door and
sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Lee! Great to
see you! You and your friend
come right in and join me for lunch! "
Although impressed, Lee's boss is still
sceptical. After they leave
Cruise's house, he tells Lee that he thinks Lee
knowing Cruise was just
lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else, " Lee says.
"President Clinton, " his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes, " Lee says, "I know him, let's fly out to
Washington. "
And off they go.
At the White House, Clinton spots Lee on the tour
and motions him and his
boss over, saying, "Lee, what a surprise, I was
just on my way to a
meeting, but you and your friend come on in and
let's have a cup of coffee
first and catch up. "
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still
not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he
expresses his doubts to Lee, who
again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope, " his boss replies.
"Sure! " says Lee. "My folks are Catholics, and
I've known the Pope a long
time. "
So off they fly to Rome.
Lee and his boss are assembled with the masses in
Vatican Square when Lee
says, "This will never work. I can't catch the
Pope's eye among all these
people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so
let me just go upstairs and
I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope. "
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward
the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Lee emerges with
the Pope on the balcony but
by the time Lee returns he finds that his boss
has had a heart attack and is
surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his
boss' side, Lee asks him,
"What happened? "
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine
until you and the Pope came
out on the balcony and the man next to me said,
"Who the fuck's that on the
balcony with Lee? "
***************************************
Next part is the last one so don't get too upset!
Sime.
=====
"A big fat bird sucking
a crusty old tramp's cock. There,
is that mind-numbingly dull
enough for you lot?"
__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Buy the perfect holiday gifts at Yahoo! Shopping.
http://shopping.yahoo.com
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 3 Dec 2001 08:14:22 +0000
From: <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
Subject: ****Lambretta Scooters
Hello,
My name is Guido Amisano. I am currently employed at West Coast
Lambretta Works as a mechanic. The reason for this message is to pass
along the info about a stock of Lambrettas that will soon be for sale
out of San Diego County. We are expecting to recieve the stock around
Christmas time. The stock will consist of several desirable Italian
models including TV 175's series 3, 150 specials, DL 150/125, 125
specials, LD, Series 1 & 2 LI's, and several LI series 3's. There will
also be a few vespas including GS 160, GT, GTR, and Sprint all in good
condition. This stock of scooters will be a choice selection of
untouched and complete original bikes, most in running condition. Most
will make for easy restorations if one choses to do so. Best of all,
these will be priced to move. Shipping anywhere in North America can be
arranged by us at reasonable costs. Pictures of the bikes can be seen
online at my temporary website:
http://rocketdesigns.tripod.com/rocketscooterdistribution
I would sincerely appreciate it if you could pass along this message to
anyone you feel would have an interest. I can be contacted by phone at:
(760)480-6383
Or by e-mail at:
[EMAIL PROTECTED]
Thanks for your time and best regards,
Guido
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 03 Dec 2001 09:38:50 +0000
From: "Andy Roberts" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
Subject: Re: jokes and all that part 7 02.12.01
Simon, I have to admit that I was among those who slated you for the first
barrage of jokes.
But, it was exactly what I needed this morning. Didn't have the best of
weekends.
Cheers mate.
Andy
Work hard, play hard.
_________________________________________________________________
Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at http://explorer.msn.com/intl.asp
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 03 Dec 2001 09:43:37 +0000
From: "Andy Roberts" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
Subject: Burners
I've been giving serious thought to increasing the size of my sideburns. I
think that big burners could be the latest male fashion accessory for this
winter/spring.
I'm not talking big bushy ones, jusy nicely trimmed but with a decent amount
a facial surface area.
I think we could be seeing lamb chops at the table this Christmas Day.
Thoughts?
Work hard, play hard.
Andy
_________________________________________________________________
Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at http://explorer.msn.com/intl.asp
------------------------------
Date: Mon, 3 Dec 2001 04:52:57 -0500
From: "Ralph, Catherine (C.)" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
Subject: RE: Burners
NO NO NO NO NO - Most definately not - Sideburns look bloody awful !
Kitty XX
Regards
Catherine Ralph,
Pre-Production Analyst,
Interior Electronics, BOMM, VISTEON,
Tel :- 01268 - 40 - 4864, Fax :- 01268 - 40 - 4488,
E-MAIL :- [EMAIL PROTECTED], MAIL :- 28 / 200.
**************************************************************
-----Original Message-----
From: Andy Roberts [mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED]]
Sent: 03 December 2001 09:44
To: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Subject: Burners
I've been giving serious thought to increasing the size of my sideburns. I
think that big burners could be the latest male fashion accessory for this
winter/spring.
I'm not talking big bushy ones, jusy nicely trimmed but with a decent amount
a facial surface area.
I think we could be seeing lamb chops at the table this Christmas Day.
Thoughts?
Work hard, play hard.
Andy
_________________________________________________________________
Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at http://explorer.msn.com/intl.asp
------------------------------
End of [EMAIL PROTECTED] digest, issue 809
