Donnie:
Olde Japanese saying:
"When offering olive branch to Godzilla, is best to stand behind whole
forest."
-- JR
----- Original Message -----
Sent: Sunday, November 14, 2004
11:38
Subject: [MOPO] Godzilla and me... PART
ONE
Greetings;
It is with a heavy heart that I post this
day.
Let me begin with an apology to Scott Burns for elements contained
herein,
that might not, in truth, conform entirely with Mopo
etiquette.
However, I give you my word, for what it's
worth,
and therein "lies" the tale my friends...
That I will endeavor to
include as many film and poster references
as possible in my humble attempt
to inform, and entertain you
with characteristic run-on
sentences.
Once upon a time...
A friend recommended a
linenbacker.
I speaketh of a naive beforetime,
when none among us had
yet learned of the new dry-mount process.
Yes, this was before the
'dark time'
When collectors young and old believed that their treasures
were being
touched by the hand of true genius.
In these early days of
blissful ignorance, the costs one paid for
linenbacking services were still
quite high.
I being a true believer, willingly paid the price one
associates with
the aforementioned hand of genius...
Unbeknown to me was
the fact that my posters were about to
be...
I will now pause for
the following public service announcement...
It has come to my
attention, as a result of a friend's email last
evening...
That I
have been named in an official linenbacker update, that the
author
titled...
"Dude Where Are My Fucking Posters" (sorry Scott, I
think the "F" word
should be allowed
when it is actually part of an
official web URL, from a respected
linenbacker, don't
you?).
Not wanting to deny the aforementioned author his well-deserved
fame, or run
from any
unpleasantness that he may have connected to my
good name...
I humbly submit the following URL...
http://linenbacker.com/DudeWhereAreMyFuckingPosters.html
Actually
another MoPo member may have already honored me/us with same?
If there
is any solace in my embarrassment, and shame...
It is undoubtedly related
to the good company that the author places me in.
Yes, although I am
referred to as a liar (4 times), an asshole (2 times),
and accused of
public masturbation (once)...
No... not masturbating "in
public"... but publicly accused of
masturbating on my
posters... in private.
There is a subtle, but I'm sure you will
agree... important distinction.
Although Saul, Sue, Susan, and Claude
are all clearly implicated as
"lying assholes"...
Only I have been
singled out in that "special" way.
Although it seems obvious that
linenbackers should observe the same rule
of confidentiality as priests,
lawyers, and doctors...
In other words...
Even if my linenbacker
had, in his professional capacity, been retained by
yours truly
to remove stains suspected of being "self inflicted"
Should said
linenbacker break the sacred rule of
poster-stain
confidentiality?
However, I want to state
emphatically, that I have NEVER contaminated
a work of art with my
DNA.
I assure you that any satirical posts that I may have written that
touched
upon themes of sexual abandon related to cinema art were
purely
speculative and submitted humbly for your amusement.
As to
the charges of my being a "liar" and an "asshole"
I vehemently deny being a
liar, and would to point out the obvious flaw
with your second charge...
it's entirely subjective.
Regarding the specifics contained in your
inventive essay...
As with most fairy tales, there is always a
modicum of truth to serve
as a basis for suspending disbelief.
For
example, while it is true that I did once jokingly refer to the
damaged
poster I had entrusted to you as "not that bad"
I liken this to
the fireman who stands beside you while surveying the
smoldering remains of
your beloved home...
Trust me... they always say "it's not that bad"
The
other accuracy I discovered?
I did buy some Tee-shirts after you finished
"restoring"
my posters.
Why?
This is rather difficult to
explain.
In spite of an enormous number of problems related to my
"restoration"
experiences...
Only one of which was briefly touched upon
in the author's imaginative
essay...
It's kind of like
this...
Believe it or not folks, I actually like this guy.
There
is something about this clown that is endearing, in a demented
sort
of way.
He really is a likeable rogue. Kind of like Long-John
Silver...
Yes, he makes it up as he goes along...
If there is one
more death in his family (causing shipping delays) the
Center for Disease
Control has advised me that this qualifies as a "plague"
I
digress...
No, I would never entrust my beloved posters to Long-John
ever again...
Yet, he was a really colorful character, full of
"crazy" tales, that
possessed
a great sense of humor. I
admit it... In spite of all that happened?
What was the harm of
buying some Tee-shirts?
I know it sounds crazy, but remember all
those old Japanese monster movies?
At the end, Godzilla had set fire
to Tokyo, and killed thousands of
people...
Still... the final shot in
the film always had a bunch of friggin boobs
standing around,
waving
good-bye to Godzilla, right?
I guess I'm one of those boobs.
All
these fond memories aside...
I'm starting to get friggin tired of
rebuilding Tokyo!
Frankly, in spite of your bizarre fantasies of my
involvement in some kind
of
conspiracy to discredit your good
reputation?
I have never once publicly posted on MoPo or Style-b any of
the
details concerning my "restoration" experiences.
As a matter of
fact, it was only after myself, and several others were
accused
PUBLICLY of all manner of debauchery that I even
responded, even then
showing considerable restraint.
The result?
An awful lot of innocent
people have now come forth with
horror stories.
My real shame is not
related to fantasies regarding Raquel Welch,
but one of enabling this
person to continue operating with
nary a word of warning to the people on
these lists.
As for Susan repeating embarrassing aspects related to the
poster
you ruined (and let's remember plead guilty/bought back)...
In
your current state of derangement, you have forgotten something...
I
didn't "rat on you" to Susan Olson... She knew what happened for
two
reasons... Firstly, I sent her your "work" in an attempt to
have her
"save" the poster... SHE SAW YOUR HANDIWORK FIRST
HAND!
Second... It was you who divulged most of the unpleasant details
to
Susan... NOT ME... Don't you remember calling her on the
phone?
Frankly, Most of what she posted on-list resulted from her
seeing the
results of your efforts, and then hearing the particulars
related to
the entire matter FROM YOUR OWN FRIGGIN LIPS!
So...
Where does that leave Godzilla and me?
Am I going to keep standing and
waving like a total boob?
LISTEN UP...
I'm certain that someone on this
list still knows Godzilla's
whereabouts/phone number...
IT IS CRITICALLY
IMPORTANT THAT THE BIG "G" READ THIS
POST WITH 24 HOURS!
My main
concern at this point is with the long list of people that YOU
have
charmingly referred to as "lying assholes"
Up until recently, you
have enjoyed my relative silence.
Need I remind you that there were other
posters involved?
Do I need to jog your memory on this list about the
other
posters, shipping issues, money-matters, or the hot-tub thing?
My
guess is that you are not looking forward to...
"Godzilla and me... PART
TWO"
An extremely detailed, blow-by-blow account of every
single
building you set friggin fire to, and every Japanese citizen
you
frightened.
Here's the deal...
REMOVE THE FOLLOWING FROM YOUR
WEBSITE WITHIN 24 HOURS...
All references to Saul Chapman, Sue Heim, Susan
Olson, Claude Litton,
Donnie, Raquel Welch, and poor little
Simba.
RETRACT YOUR STATEMENTS & TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR
THE
STRESS/FEAR YOU HAVE CAUSED, AND DAMAGE YOU
HAVE DONE TO THIS HOBBY
IN THE PROCESS...
If you do so (with sincerity) WITHIN 24 HOURS (before
1:00pm Monday);
I will refrain from posting what I promise will be a
fascinating discussion
of this matter, in excruciating
detail.
Furthermore, I pledge my support in helping you to repair
some of the
damage that has been done to this
hobby.
Why?
Because, In spite of your outrageous/slanderous
attacks against my
friends...
I still cling to the belief that although
you have destroyed Tokyo...
If push comes to shove...
You will defend us
from Ghiorah The Three-Headed Monster...
Translation?
You are not a bad
guy... just misunderstood.
What a boob,
right?
-Donnie
Visit the MoPo Mailing List Web Site at www.filmfan.com
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