Hi Bill, Thanks for your review.
On Tue, Aug 13, 2013 at 5:52 PM, William Atwood <[email protected] > wrote: > Adrian, authors, > > As a member of the PIM Working Group, Multimob too :-) In fact we have been soliciting reviews from our WG members since long time. I have read the Internet Draft > draft-ietf-multimob-pmipv6-ropt. It is very clear. The solution is > well explained; I had no difficulty following what the authors were > trying to do. I see no issues that would trouble the PIM WG. > > I had one hiccup---I initially could not understand why there was any > reference at all to IGMP in a document describing an IPv6 mobility > protocol. I finally came to understand when I read Section 8 more > carefully. I believe that a simple addition to the information in > section 1 (about IGMP and MLD) will cure this. > > The following are my suggestions for improvement. > > Page 3, para 2. Add a sentence at the end: "Although the interaction > of a host in a Proxy Mobile IPv6 environment will be with MLD, there are > certain situations where IGMP may be used by the proxy. See Section 8 > for details." > > (You may wish to re-word this to be more precise. You may wish to point > out specifically in Section 8 the precise area of applicability of RFC > 5844, rather than relying on the reader to read the RFC to discover > this.) (I believe that it has something to do with the path between the > proxy and the other architectural components being confined to IPv4, but > I leave this to your expertise to find the right wording.) > > Para 3, lines 7-8. "it leads to" -> "it may lead to" (I believe that > redundant traffic will only occur if there are two or more MNs > subscribed to the same multicast group.) > > Para 4, line 1. "former enhancements" -> "first enhancement" ("former" > and "latter" are only used after the individual enhancements have been > named/described. In this case, they have not yet been described, so > "former" and "latter" are inappropriate.) > > Line 6. "latter" -> "second" > > Page 4, para 4, line 1. "such" -> "the" > > Para 5, line 4. "associated to" -> "associated with" (This change > needs to be made _throughout_ the document.) > > Page 5, Section 3, para 1, line 4. "each one" -> "each" ("each" > implies "one"; it is not necessary to "double up" here.) > > Section 3.1, para 2, line 5. "a MLD" -> "an MLD". (The form of the > indefinite article is based on the _sound_ of what follows. Since "MLD" > is pronounced "em-el-dee", the initial sound is the vowel "e", so the > article is spelled "an". In contrast, earlier in the same line, the > acronym "MAG" is pronounced "mag", and the initial sound is "m", so the > indefinite article is spelled "a".) (This correction needs to be made > throughout the document, wherever it is wrong.) > > Page 10, para 1, line 6. "which" -> "that" (See discussion of > which/that at the end of this email.) > > Para 3, line 4. "temporariliy" -> "temporarily" > > Page 11, para 1, line 11. "which" -> "that" > > Page 16, section 8, para 1, line 7. "i.e. IPv6" -> "i.e., IPv6" (Add > comma, delete space. See discussion of "i.e." at the end of this email.) > > Page 20, Appendix A.1, para 1, line 1. "approach basically" -> "approach" > > Appendix A.2, para 1, line 1. "approach basically" -> "approach" > > Line 3. "which" -> "that" > > Page 21, para 1, line 1. "The Figure" -> "Figure" > > Page 22, para 1, line 1. "traffic which" -> "traffic, which" (See > discussion of which/that at the end of this email.) > > Line 4. "are being served" -> "are served" > > Appendix A.3, para 1, line 3. "which" -> "that" > > Appendix A.4, para 1, line 1. "which" -> "that" > > Line 5. "The Figure" -> "Figure" > > > NOTE on use of "which" and "that". "that" is used when the phrase > following it is _required_ if we are going to be able to completely > identify what is being talked about, while "which" is used to introduce > supplementary information. Some examples: > > 1) If there are three houses on the street, and only one of them is at > the corner, then you say: > "The house that is on the corner needs to be painted." > 2) If there are three houses on the street, and only one of them is > yellow, then you say: > "The yellow house, which needs to be painted, is for sale." > > In the first case, the observer cannot identify the exact house until > its position is given. In the second case, the house is completely > identified by its colour, and the information about the need to be > painted is supplementary information. This information is set off with > commas, and introduced with "which". > > Wow. I had to recall my grammar classes from high school. > NOTES on the use of "i.e." and "e.g.". > "i.e." is an abbreviation for "id est", a Latin phrase meaning "that > is". As such, it should be punctuated as if it were the full phrase. > Unless there is a parenthesis on one side or the other, it is always > preceded by a comma and a space, and always followed by a comma and a > space. > "e.g." is an abbreviation for "exempli gratia", a Latin phrase meaning > "for example". It should also be punctuated as if the full phrase were > present. Unless there is a parenthesis on one side or the other, it is > always preceded by a comma and a space, and always followed by a comma > and a space. > > Yes, e.g. is for example and i.e. is that is. Thank you for giving the corresponding Latin phrases. Regards, Behcet > > > > Bill > > > On 17/07/2013 6:39 PM, Adrian Farrel wrote: > > Hi PIM working group, > > > > Can I ask for some volunteers to look at "Multicast Mobility Routing > > Optimizations for Proxy Mobile IPv6" > > https://datatracker.ietf.org/doc/draft-ietf-multimob-pmipv6-ropt/ > > > > This document made it through IETF last call and arrived at the IESG > without > > having been shown to the PIM working group. I have deferred the document > to give > > a little time for me to get your input. Please send comments to me > direct or > > copying the IESG and the draft authors. > > > > Thanks, > > Adrian > > > > _______________________________________________ > > pim mailing list > > [email protected] > > https://www.ietf.org/mailman/listinfo/pim > > > > -- > Dr. J.W. Atwood, Eng. tel: +1 (514) 848-2424 x3046 > Distinguished Professor Emeritus fax: +1 (514) 848-2830 > Department of Computer Science > and Software Engineering > Concordia University EV 3.185 email:[email protected] > 1455 de Maisonneuve Blvd. West http://users.encs.concordia.ca/~bill > Montreal, Quebec Canada H3G 1M8 > _______________________________________________ > multimob mailing list > [email protected] > https://www.ietf.org/mailman/listinfo/multimob >
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