CulturalChameleons
http://www.eislam.co.za/
Praying at home or the masjid, and then sneaking out to party at a nightclub.
Wearing hijaab around family, and then turning into a fashion diva at
school.One person, two worlds, and a desperate struggle to juggle them both.
This is the reality which many Muslim youth in the West are living in. We can
call them "cultural chameleons,"or describe them as having"split
personalities."Whatever the label, the situation is the same… with often tragic
consequences. We are not just referring to your community brother or sisters
devastating death, but rather we refer to the many grievous examples of teens
running away from home, getting into drugs, and much more -the worst of which
is turning away totally from Islam, rejecting it completely. We are not
exaggerating. Its a reality, and those who deny it are either willfully blind
or pitifully naive.
It is time that we addressed the situation seriously. First there must be
awareness of the reality and knowledge of its causes. The next step is to know
what to do when faced with it directly (hint: it does NOT involve killing
anyone). And finally, we need to know how to nip the problem in the bud - an
ounce of prevention is better than a pound of cure.
Causes
Although each situation is different, there is a general list of what can cause
this worst nightmare of any Muslim parent.
* Lack of strong Islamic foundation in the home.As with most things, it
begins in your own backyard. If you arent raising your children as Muslims with
a strong understanding of what it meansto be a Muslim, then you cant expect
them to be happy about having to follow strict rules all the time. Its also
important to note the difference between Islamand culture. If you dont pray
five times a day, or encourage your kids to pray, yet freak out if a female
family member walks out with her head uncovered, then you reallyneed to
straighten out your priorities.
* Double standards.Related to the first point, here we are talking
about when parents are setting a double standard for themselves and their
children: in public they seek to ingratiate themselves within Western society,
to achieve the Western societies dream of big house, fancy car, and being best
friends with the Joneses next door; yet at home they are obsessed with their
children following cultural practices that arent even necessarily Islamic. It
should be no surprise, then, when the children follow in their parents
footsteps and start living a double life themselves.
* Lack of personal understanding/ conviction of Islam.This is another
major factor in youth straying from Islam. Again related to the first point -
if you dont have a strong Islamic foundation in the home, then there will be
most likely a lack of understanding of what exactly it means to be a Muslim. If
you dont know the reason behind something, how likely are you to do something
if you view it as restrictive and interfering? If you tell your children to
pray because if they dont they will burn in Hell, then trust me, they wont be
doing it out of love for Allah - they will be doing it out fear… and not even
fear of Allah, but fear ofyou. Similarly, if you tell a girl she has to wear
hijaab because otherwise she will "stain the family's honour" or some-such
rubbish like that, then once shes exposed to the Western mentality of freedom
(and total lack of anything resembling honour) she wont give two hoots about
the hijaab or your notions of honour. On
the other hand, if your child has a personal relationship with Allah and knows
exactly why we do some things and stay away from others, they will be far more
willing to tough it out and continue to obey Allah.
* General teen rebellion.Sometimes, teens can just be idiots. Common
sense is a rare thing amongst youth these days, and it shows… sadly, some take
it too far - beyond the streaked hair (hey, as long as its covered up by
hijaab, be cool with it!) - and make some really bad choices. The Messenger of
Allah[pbuh] said: "Youth is a kind of madness"[Hadith].Being intoxicated by the
passions of youth we never ponder for a moment that we shall we questioned by
Allah.
* Insecurity.This is something which affects people everywhere,
regardless of their race, religion, or even age. The desire to want to "fit in"
and become an accepted member of the crowd is human nature - sometimes it can
be a good thing; other times it can be so harmful and detrimental. For girls,
the issue is often about body image and beauty, which is why hijaab becomes
such a struggle. For guys, it can be about proving their "manliness" (by
pursuing other girls, or getting involved in 'tough guy' activities like
drinking alcohol, drugs etc.). Build your childs self-esteem at home and let
them know that they don't need to seek approval from anyone except Allah.
Compliment your children, praise them, let them be confident in their faith and
in themselves. Tell your son that he is cool. Tell your daughter that shes
beautiful. Dont demean them or belittle them; honour them as the Prophet
(sallallaahu alaihi wa sallam) honoured his daughter Fatimah
(radhiAllahu anha) by giving her his sitting place.
* Bad companions.The Prophet (sallallaahu alaihi wa sallam) said: "The
example of a good companion and a bad one is the bearer of musk and the worker
on the bellows. A bearer of musk would give you some, you might buy some from
him, or you might enjoy the fragrance of his musk. The worker on the bellows,
on the other hand, might spoil your clothes with sparks from his bellows, or
you get a bad smell from him."(Hadith-Al-Bukhari and Muslim).Undoubtedly, the
kind of people your kids hang out with will have a huge influence on them -
especially at school, which is what a teens life pretty much revolves around.
Non-Muslims (and even so-called "Muslims") who have totally different standards
morality-wise will definitely make life difficult for your kid: challenging
Islam and belittling all that it stands for. While we know that many will say
its a great Dawah opportunity, or that it builds character and can be a way to
strengthen emaan, the reality is that
not all youth are strong enough to emerge the company of such people
unscathed. Sadly, we have lost too many of the younger generations to Shaytaans
misguided lifestyle, and we cant use a minority of successful young Muslims to
deny that reality.The Messenger ofAllah[obuh]informed us that: "A man follows
his friends religion, you should be careful whom you make friends with."[Hadith
Abu Dawud/Tirmidhi]
* The "Adolescent" Myth.This mentality is one of "I am young, let me
have fun and then I will be religious when I am older!" Its an attitude of
irresponsibility, immaturity, and misunderstanding of Islam and the purpose of
our lives. By absolving oneself of responsibility, its easier for teens to
indulge in the haraamwithout feeling so guilty about it. Thus, its obviously
very important to instill a sense of responsibility and dutifulness to Allah in
our youth - basically, to abolish this kind of mentality. The Prophet
(sallallaahu 'alaihi wa sallam) said: " An intelligent person is the one who
calls himself to account and and does deeds to benefit him after death and a
foolish person is he who follows his desires and hopes from
Allah"[Hadith-Tirmidhi]
Symptoms
How do you know if your child, your sibling, or your friend is a "cultural
chameleon"? It can be difficult to spot it, but however much a kid can try to
sneak around, those closest to them can usually figure out what's going on.
Here are some of the symptoms of the double-life syndrome.
* Change of attitude- Increased rebellion, aggression, and disrespect
are major red flags. If they are behaving like that towardsyou, do you think
they wont behave like that towards Allah? In fact, if they are acting like that
with you, then already they are showing their defiance of Allah! Taqwaand good
behaviour to parents go hand-in-hand: "And your Lord has commanded that you
worship none but Him, and that you be kind to your parents." (Quran-Surah
al-Israa, verse 23)
* Shows dislike of Islamic practices("Yuck, hijaab is so
old-fashioned," "What's the point of praying? It's stupid!" etc.) This is
particularly obvious in a household that is generally religious, or has more
than just a tentative connection to the Deen.
* Secretive, sneaky.It is important for parents to keep an eye on their
kids and know where they are and what they are doing. If you notice that your
child is being secretive, sneaky, and generally deceptive about their
activities, then its a major red flag that your son or daughter isnt doing the
right thing. This goes for pretty much all families, Muslim and non-Muslim
alike, but for us Muslims it means more than just that your kid is with bad
company or doing bad things: it means that they are losing their connection to
Allah and to Islam, and this in itself is far worse than whatever sinful
activities they are engaged in.
Solutions
An ounce of prevention is worth more than a pound of cure. Educate your child
from a young age, build a strong (but loving) Islamic environment within the
home. Make them aware of their identity as Muslims, emphasize pride in their
Muslim identity. However, we cant say that prevention is the only thing that we
can do - the reality is that even children who were raised in a strong Islamic
environment can be "lost" in the Dunya… and this is the reality we have to deal
with, not deny.
Having said that, here are some practical solutions on dealing with such
situations.
* Do not react angrily or violently.If you find out your kid is lying
to you and is leading a double life, do NOT freak out at them, scream at them,
hit them, etc.
This will :
1) scare them,
2) reinforce their false belief that "Islam/ Muslims are evil/ violent", and
3) not be productive in any way, shape, or form.
* Take some time to cool off after you find out.Pray a
naafilah(voluntary salaah), and make lots of dua i.e. ask Allah to grant you
the patience and strength to deal with the situation.
* Talk to them.Ask them what has led them to do the things they have
done, what their state of belief is (cases differ drastically: some teens still
have emaanand are just confused; others go to the point where they deny Islam
completely), and how they feel about their situation in general. Try not to
judge them; the key is to listento them and know where theyare coming from.
This will give you information on how to best approach them when the time comes
to try and "fix" things.
* Serious counselling may be needed.If you feel as though you are
unable to deal with the situation correctly yourself, contact a trustworthy,
knowledgeable, and understanding Imam,Moulana or Shaykh in your area (or use
the Muslim Youth Helpline). It is best to have someone involved who not only
knows the Islamic perspective of things, but can also relate to and understand
your child. There mustbe someone whom your child can feel comfortable enough to
work with/ talk to if they don't feel they can open up to you (the parents).
In this stage, there has to be a lot of give-and-take, questions-and-answers.
If you already had a long talk with your child previously and asked them all
those questions, then now is the time to bring forth your feelings. If you
havent had the talk, then now is the time to initiate it.
Counselling is a long and sometimes painful process, and only one step forward
towards healing. One cannot expect things to change overnight, and it will be
very difficult - all I can say is, trust in Allah and look to the Sunnah for
help. Have emaan, taqwa, and lots of patience and forbearance. Constantly turn
to Allah in dua, especially the last third of the night. Indeed, this is
something that should be done at all times… it is a means of prevention, as
well as part of the path to the cure.
Allah Most Wise and Most Merciful says:
"No one despairs of solace from Allah except for those who are
unbelievers"[Quran12:87]
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