[Editor's Note: This is Part 2 of The Victim Makers. You can read the first part here:
http://www.crosswalk.com/family/home_school/1283611.html]
"What in the world is wrong with you?" I asked, a tad nervous that he had become aware at how most people are taught to feel in his position.
"It's my scars," he cried, "I think they're shrinking."
Whew. Thank you, God. "Don't be sad, son," I told him, "you are getting bigger and your scars can't grow big with the rest of you, but don't worry; they will stay. Just make sure that you are not getting vain. The Lord does not want us focusing on the way we look."
This whole episode changed my thinking in several regards. I wonder what the outcome would have been if I had reacted differently on that day in the park with the staring big kid. What would have happened if Bo had pointed out the kid who was staring at his scars and I clutched my son and whimpered, "That big boy is bad! He shouldn't stare at you just because you're different. You have nothing to be embarrassed about! It's ok, honey (sob, sob), Mommy will have a talk with his mother!"
More than likely I would have confirmed that he was a victim. I thank God that He sent me the right words. I've employed this "psychology" - if you will - in a lot of my parenting since then. I want my children to be strong and self-confident leaders. When they fall down and bump their little knees, I do not go running over in a panic to squeeze and console them with cookies, ice cream, or sappy, drippy sympathy. Usually, if it is an obviously minor wallop, they're met with a simple, "You OK?" or, "Did you rip your pants?" or, "Wow! What grace! I've never seen such flexibility!" Or, in another vein, if they come home from church and say "so-and-so didn't talk to me today," I tell them, "Well, you are supposed to be a leader. If people are shy, you need to make it a priority to make them feel welcome. You let her know next week that you want to be her friend. And if they're mean, then you need to be gracious and show them kindness. Lots of people are mean when they feel like n
obody cares about them."
We don't do the whole, "You poor thing! That kid is bad!" and then smother them with sympathies that do nothing to strengthen their character. That had been what turned ME into such a self-centered little crybaby. And that's a hard thing to grow out of.
Of course, if they are truly hurt, I love them and kiss them and tend to their owwies, but my children do not act like the whole world is coming to an end just because a few drops of their blood may have spilled, or their siblings or peers have mistreated them. One day, I walked into the bathroom to find that my daughter Coie had stepped on some glass and was bleeding quite a bit. When I came in, she looked up and very casually said, "Don't worry mom, I'm fine, and I'll get this blood cleaned up as soon as I can find some band-aids." That girl can handle life. If that had been me at that age, the whole neighborhood would have heard my screams, and I might have even gained an ambulance ride in the process. Thank the Lord my kids won't have to learn my lessons the hard way.
Compassion without "victimizing" is definitely something I want for my children to experience. Hopefully it will stave off a tendency to flock to people who will flatter them or discourage them in their convictions. When my children hear "Gosh, you're homeschooled?" or "Wow, you have a lot of chores" or "Gee, it must be hard to have all those brothers and sisters.you must feel so left out all the time", I want them to be able to respond as leaders who are able to give reasonable answers to their "consoling empathizers", not as victims who will start second guessing their lives at the suggestion that they "have it hard", or that someone had better pay when bad things happen. I don't foresee any "McDonald's hot coffee lawsuits" in my family's future.
We are training for real life here. For excellent resources that deal with more on this subject, I heartily recommend the Pearls' books from the No Greater Joy ministry. God bless you and your family. I know that as parents, we all truly want the very best for our children. God help us; in this day and age that can be a hard thing to figure out!
Proverbs 19:18 Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying.
Proverbs 20:11 Even a child is known by his doings, whether his work be pure, and whether it be right.
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Copyright, 2004. Used with permission. The Old Schoolhouse Magazine.
www.TheHomeschoolMagazine.com .Send comments to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
