On Sat, 2003-10-18 at 12:50, dfox wrote: > Somebody scribbled about RE: [newbie] OT - possible job vacancy for some > of you > >also with the enterprise, voyager and deep space 9, none appear to be > > using either linux or windows, so this convo is way OT... :-) > > Yes, but: (I know I'm way behind in reading my email...) :) > > What if Mr. Data were Microsoft Windows Compatible? > > WORF: Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead ahead. > > PICARD: On screen. > > The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines, each > only a single pixel wide. > > PICARD: Data, what's wrong here? > > DATA: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video memory > to display an image of this size. May I suggest that you select a > lower resolution? > > PICARD: Make it so. > > The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky square > pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which could be Romulan > warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in Space Invaders. > > PICARD: Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans. > > DATA: Aye, sir. > > Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it over, and > places it on the console in front of him. He punches some buttons on the > console and sits motionless for several seconds. A flash of light > blossoms from one of the Romulan ships on the viewscreen. > > WORF: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain! > > PICARD: Shields up! > > DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your > last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before > you issue your next command. > > PICARD: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is *important*! I want > those shields up *right now*. > > DATA: I'm sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your > last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before > you issue your next command. > > LAFORGE:Allow me, captain. (to Data) Control-alt-delete, Data. > > Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the floor. > > DATA: The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press my nose to > cancel and return to Windows. Pull my left ear to close this > communications channel which is not responding. You will lose > any information sent by the Romulans. > > LaForge pulls Data's left ear. > > PICARD: Shields... > > There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes violently, and all > the crew members are thrown to the floor. A shower of sparks > erupts from Wesley Crusher's station at the helm, throwing Wesley back > away from the console. > > PICARD: Up, Data! > > DATA: Aye, sir. > > RIKER: All decks, damage report! > > WORF: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to be > unconscious. > > Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and punches > some more buttons. He waits a few seconds, then puts the > hourglass back on the floor. > > DATA: Shields are now up, captain. > > PICARD: And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all phasers on the lead > Romulan ship. > > WORF: Aye, sir. (He punches buttons on the weapons console.) > > PICARD: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action. > > DATA: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver > installed for that console. > > PICARD: Well, damn it, install the right one. > > DATA: Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril. > > PICARD: Number One, where do we keep Data's setup implants? > > RIKER: I left them with Geordi. > > LAFORGE:(in a surprised voice) What!!? I thought you still had them! > > PICARD: Data, don't you have device drivers stored in your internal > memory? > > DATA: Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right > nostril. > > PICARD: Data, I don't *have* Setup Implant #1. > > DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail? > > PICARD: Abort! > > DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail? > > PICARD: Well, fail, then! > > DATA: Current nose is no longer valid. > > Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons. The ship > lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift to one > side of the viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is heard coming > from somewhere else in the ship. > > LAFORGE:(alarmed) Data, what the hell are you doing? > > PICARD: Number One, do we have a customer service number for Data? > > RIKER: Yes sir, but last time I tried to call them, I got put on hold > for two hours before I was able to talk to anyone. And that person > wasn't knowledgeable about androids of Data's model. She specialized > in industrial control robots. > > Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and all the > usual noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to halt. > After a few seconds, the red emergency lights come on. Data is > standing by the console, absolutely motionless. > > PICARD: What's going on? > > LAFORGE:(checking the helm console) Lieutenant Data has caused a > General Protection Violation in the warp engine core. > > PICARD: These androids look really sharp, but you can't really do > anything with them. > > The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in > full > battle dress materialize on the bridge. A seventh figure, > a Ferengi, appears moments later. > > FERENGI:(with a mercenary grin) Can I interest you in a Unix, Captain? > > >Franki ROFLMA
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