“Barriers break when people talk”
– tagline of a recent ad campaign
Witnessing
the above campaign a popular telecommunications company has bombarded
you with, have you wondered why both those kids from across borders are
male? Well, if they’d been female, they would have already been playing
‘kitchen kitchen’ together! Point is, the male of the specie has been
alleged to have been the more silent (‘unemotional’, ‘unsentimental’)
one since ages now. And it’s not even the ‘perspective’ of their
naturally more ‘expressive’ female counterparts. It’s a fact that men
don't find it manly (or cool) to express their emotions.
Psychiatrist
Dr Harish Shetty talks about five men who didn’t emote at the right
time and place and how their relationships with various dear ones
suffered as a consequence. Read carefully, for you may see these men in
your father, brother or husband.
Expression of feelings has
always been a casualty with men as compared to women. On many occasions
the stoic man is misunderstood as strong, arrogant or insensitive. The
reasons lie in the upbringing, social expectations and cultural
conditioning.
My mom passed away months ago and I have not wept
An
aerospace engineer uttered this and shared that he believes in a
religious text and that makes him strong. 'I do not know why I am like
this', he continued. In the recent past he appeared very upset and
responded with excessive sadness to small frustrating events at home.
He experienced intermittent installments of joy but was never the same
after the demise of his mom. During counseling sessions he would avoid
all references to her but a photograph and articles related to her
broke him down.
Make Amends
This
guy had never seen his dad weeping and so modeled himself after him.
Yet every man can rewrite his emotional software by identifying his
feelings, acknowledging, accepting, experiencing and expressing them
during such occasions; so that he doesn’t end up facing allegations of
being ‘insensitive’.
I missed my son’s convocation
That’s what a
banker shared as his son stopped talking to him. The father received a
big hug from his son who graduated in economics but remained tongue
tied. Mr Dad was never comfortable at being praised himself by any one
right from childhood. 'I was very happy and wanted to say so but words
and expressions ditched me,' he said. During counselling sessions he
got in touch with small moments of joy across his life and began
sharing the same.
Make Amends
Men
who have received no praises/experienced humiliation remain embarrassed
and withdrawn when they want to shower the same on their loved ones.
One can begin even later by praising oneself/others for a good task
done. Feeling phrases such as ‘I feel so nice,’ etc help discover a
bigger vocabulary within oneself as we learn to share. Doing it with
loved ones breaks the ice.
I need a drink before I express
‘I
can tell my wife how I feel after a drink’ is a common phrase
counselors hear. Mr K is a darling during the weekend dinners at home.
His family wanted him to be the same all days without a drink.
Gradually it was discovered that ‘fear of appearing foolish and losing
control’ stopped him from being natural. Slowly he realised that he has
a right to express his feelings without shame or fear through role
plays and rationally tackling his irrational fears.
Make Amends
Mind
is like an orchestra and the key to good emotional health is allowing
oneself to experience all feelings as it comes. Block a feeling and it
bounces back with more force.
If I bare my heart I am a weak man
All
the male school principals concurred in a workshop that 'it is like
being a weak woman' to open one's heart even to their wives. 'They will
take advantage of our weakness,' the men thundered. As the discussion
progressed the participants discussed the factors that make us all feel
normal and at peace. Gender sensitive/neutral statements emerged and
one such was, jo baha gaya who pani hai jo raha gaya who zaher hai with
reference to tears.
Make Amends
Men
who share their feelings live longer and suffer from less lifestyle
diseases. The brain chemistry/circuits and the endocrinological glands
improve and are vital for both physical and emotional health.
I stopped talking to my daughter 7 years ago
Mr
P a scientist was very upset when his daughter married a guy against
his will. He never could express himself and withdrew from her with
severe pain. He is not able to forgive her but wants to talk to her and
cannot. The rest of the family is in touch with the girl. Otherwise an
extrovert, he wants to say something but remains emotionally paralysed.
The sessions threw up a lot of surprises and one of them was that his
general 'extroverted' nature was a method of substituting humour for
genuine expression and that too failed during trying times.
Make Amends
It’s
a myth that extrovertness is the same as baring one’s heart. During
such situations, expressing disgust to loved ones puts the man on the
road to forgiveness. Feelings are like food and can decay on delay.
Hence resentments can lead to anger and hatred, which destroys us and
all those around.
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