The Commitment addict
Why it doesn’t work
Clinical
psychologists are of the opinion that the problem with a commitment
addict is that their behaviour tends to be suffocating for their
partner over a period of time. If it’s the female bearing the brunt of
this, she can easily lose herself to the relationship creating a
pattern of dependence that is eventually followed by rejection from her
partner. The need to constantly ‘be in a relationship’ may stem from
fear of desertion. It may also be the result of an over-dependent
relationship with a parent during childhood, where clear boundaries
were not set.
Overcoming it
The best way
to break out of this pattern of behaviour is to become aware of the
emptiness you are trying to fill and find empowering ways to fill it.
Take time out of relationships and learn to enjoy being alone. If you
go into a relationship, do so, but be free of expectations. Have your
own life; it's the only way you'll be happy!
The Mother hen
Why it doesn’t work
'Mothering'
a partner i.e. treating him/her with unnecessary care and sympathy,
creates a parent-child dynamic that eventually transforms you into a
perpetrator because you resent all the work you're doing and expect
your partner to be forever 'indebted' to you. A lot of women tend to be
overly nurturing , psychologists say. They are likely to attract
dysfunctional and chaotic men and also enable them to remain
dysfunctional so that they can keep them dependent on them. If at all a
man heals, she might get upset and since he doesn't need her anymore,
he breaks up with her.
Overcoming it
In
order for an intimate relationship to work, it needs two mature adults,
not a parent and a child. So recognise and acknowledge the innate
strengths in your partner that can cure him/her of his weaknesses but
only if that is what he wants. Most importantly, let your partner take
responsibility for his/her own life.
The Control freak
Why it doesn’t work
Psychotherapists
say the controlling behaviour takes root when a partner is afraid of
vulnerability and wants life to be predictable and certain. Thus, they
are attracted to kind and generous people who'll put them on a pedestal
and almost worship them. Sometimes there is a feeling of mental
suffocation too, usually through sexual prowess. When the man is
sufficiently exhausted he may leave. But most men stay with this kind
of a woman because of the sex, isn't it?
Overcoming it
Much
has been written on this, but the bottomline is that a control freak
needs to come to grips and understand the underlying anxiety that is
relieved when you control someone. It is also recommended for women
that they try and avoid quiet men who they can 'boss around' because it
perpetuates the problem.
Hiding behind a mask
Why it doesn’t work
This
type of a person is simply insecure and often lacks his/her own
identity. They disappear into a relationship and the other partner
often becomes bored for the lack of challenge or experiencing of the
true character. Such relationships are empty and the attraction fades
after some time.
Overcoming it
The
fundamental aspects of your personality must be revealed from the
beginning of the relationship. Overly personal things can be discussed
and revealed later when you feel more secure about the other person's
feelings. Women need to understand that if a man isn't attracted to the
real 'you' it doesn't mean there is something wrong with you or that
you are unlovable. It just means he likes something different, not
better.
Relationship personalties
Sometimes
when you are in a relationship, certain aspects of your personality
become amplified or you change yourself to suit a situation.
Psychotherapists say that your essence should remain consistent in all
contexts when you are psychologically well adjusted. When we alter
ourselves in a marked way in a relationship it's usually an attempt to
deal with insecurity and manipulate an outcome that we don't believe
would naturally work in our favour.
Changing yourself or
adopting a persona is an attempt to get what we think will make us
happy. These characteristics have paid off in the past and so we repeat
them!
The best way to communicate your needs is through a
process of getting to know each other. As the relationship grows,
discover your partner's needs and negotiate what you can realistically
fulfill. Every relationship must be seen as an opportunity to learn
about yourself.
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