Chris.... As I read your graciously generous posting, I smiled as I have several pages of similar notes. How ever-willing that self-critic is to jump right in there just when I think I've achieved a mind free from doubt. At that point my attempt to just hold my ground requires the "inflatable shoes" to become lead shoes.
Your stunning description of silence resonates. On my own and with groups I share meditation, silence (although often stormy) is welcome. Yet in working with groups I fall into mindreading — as I sense others are uncomfortble with the silence, the host in me who is conditioned to insure that everyone has a good time wants to fill in the space and silence. My knowing is that this is manipulative and closes space — still it offers over and over. The following story arrived on email — I offer it..... An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the > > donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. > > > > The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked, > > What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk! > > Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the > > donkey. > > Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they > > crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell > > into the river and drowned. > > The moral of the story? > > > > If you try to please everyone, you might as well > > kiss your ass good-bye.