As someone who facilitates couples' preparation for birth as part of a
comprehensive 12 week course that essentially gives the dads training
similar to a doula's, I see this article as addressing something that
happens when dads are unprepared.
The type of birth experience doesn't seem to determine how the dad will
react to it.
For example, I have a friend (no preparation that I know of) who had a
straightforward, natural, 5 hour labour with a known midwife and when I
asked the dad whether he enjoyed being at the birth he said, "It was like
being the first person at a bus crash". And then I have dads who have
prepared with me and their partner ends up having a caesarean but they know
they worked together as a team and he has seen her labour amazingly and
thinks she is so courageous and feels good about the experience because they
did everything they could but the baby's positioning made the surgery a
life-saving thing.
When dad's are at their children's birth and they have enough knowledge to
truly advocate for their family as well as to help in very practical ways if
needed (massage, counter-pressure, encouragement etc) there is a bonding
opportunity that is very powerful. When the birth is safe and gentle and
joyous and the dad can say in years to come, "I was the first one to touch
you", or "I helped when you were born" this is an amazing thing for a
family.
When dads have been prepared by watching beautiful birth videos that show
how birth *can* be and also prepare them for what their partner may look
like in the different stages of labour, when they know what the emotional
signposts of labour are and what the physical signs are and what their
partner needs at each of these, when they know to ask questions like "Is
this procedure really necessary for our unique situation or is it just
routine" and "Are mum and baby healthy? What are you afraid might happen?
What choices do we have? What might happen if we just wait?", when they have
an understanding of possible interventions so that they can truly make an
informed choice as part of the team, when they have practised with their
partner so that she is able to relax to his voice and touch, when he knows
to remind his partner to take one contraction at a time, when he knows how
to help his partner re-focus if needed........when he's this prepared and
acting as an advocate his partner is not likely to get an episiotomy anyway,
and if there are interventions he knows that they have been decided on for
good reason. He has seen and inspired his partner to prepare for this birth
during pregnancy, by staying healthy with excellent nutrition and exercise
and learning about the birth process and he has seen her approach the birth
with confidence and he has seen her labour wonderfully and he has taken part
in all of this too. PTSD??? Not part of the equation. Less sexual
attraction??? He is more attracted to this birthing goddess. And he has
learned to make decisions for his family. And he has learned to be
discerning about their medical care. And he has the support of other men who
have shared this journey of preparation and realisation for the last 3
months (in the birth class).
There will always be men who don't want to bother with preparation for
birth - just as there will always be women who also don't want to think
about the birth until they are actually in labour. But maybe if they knew
the potential this experience presents for their family, for their
relationship with their partner, for their own self-growth and
self-esteem...
often the men get dragged along to the classes and by the end of the time
they are the most vocal supporters and tell everyone they know how wonderful
it is to prepare.
I know I'm an idealist but the article (which ran in the NY Times as well)
doesn't do anything to inform men that there is an option to educate
themselves and make the most of the empowering experience birth can be for
women and their partners. I'm just trying to make a difference...one family
at a time...one baby at a time...
________________________________________________________________
Lea Mason, AAHCC
Certified Bradley® Natural Childbirth Educator & Labour Support Professional
http://www.birthsteps.com.au
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