> Sender: [EMAIL PROTECTED] > Date: Mon, 22 Jan 1996 17:37:46 -0800 > To: [EMAIL PROTECTED] > From: Kyle Hafar <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> (by way of > [EMAIL PROTECTED] (Michael I. Lichter)) > > Date: Fri, 19 Jan 1996 11:20:15 -0600 (CST) > From: H-Net Central <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> > > > "Kamikaze Commitment" By Employees > Seen As Salvation of Computer Company > > (Samizdat OnLine News Service-------------) Employees of Apple Computer have > begun volunteering to kill themselves--or have themselves killed--as part of > an effort to save the failing company. Apple's announced plan to lay off > 1,300 of its employees earlier this week failed to impress the stock market, > which continued to its sell-off in spite of the planned layoffs. > > "We believe this step represents the fulfillment of Japanese management > philosophy in this country, and something which will inspire other > businesses, industries, and government to do likewise," a spokesperson for > Apple told Samizdat OnLine News Service as she donned a ceremonial robe and > reached for a sword. "The reason the earlier layoff announcement failed to > impress the stock market is that the people who will be laid off represent a > drain on future profits because they require severance payments and other > concessions to go quietly. Additionally, nearly all of them will seek > employment at other computer companies, and the glut of qualified people in > the industry will continue." > > "This is a people problem," the spokesperson said as she poked herself > tentatively with the sword, apparently looking for a soft spot, "and Apple > has always been a people-oriented company. Getting rid of the people is the > only way to return the company to profitability." > > Computer industry analysts believe that the stock market is likely to be > more impressed by the mass suicides than it was by mere layoffs. "Even > though people in the computer industry have been killing themselves with > cocaine for years," one said, "they have been doing so individually, which > has little noticeable effect on the labor market. The sudden demise of 1,300 > highly-qualified computer workers will have the effect of raising salaries > throughout the industry, and will increase job security and emotional > well-being among those who survive." > > Some companies have begun to market their stock with prospectuses which > offer shareholders the prospect of guaranteed profits through the use of > so-called "LDO"--or "Leveraged Die Off"--contracts with new employees. These > contracts, which are offered to entry-level workers at many companies, > specify that the company will guarantee employment for 20 years, after which > time the employee will terminate him or herself before he or she begins > making too high a salary and becomes a drain on profits. This plan also > makes room for new entry-level employees, and the terms of the contract can > vary depending on labor conditions. Some analysts believe the contracts > could guarantee employment for as long a period as 40 years--or as few as > one--to reflect changing market realities. > > "The willingness of the individual to be sacrificed so that the group will > survive is not such a new thing, after all," said Apple analyst Jonathan > Winesap-McIntosh. "It moves me deep in my soul to witness the tearful > goodbyes of Apple employees and their families. I heard one young wife and > mother--her four tearful children by her sid--hug her soon to be dearly > departed husband and say 'Go get 'em, honey! Make Apple profitable again!' > You can't witness something like that without being changed." > > Government is reportedly also looking at both LDO plans and termination > programs. There were reports that House Speaker Newt Gingrich has authorized > copies of the New York Times article describing the Apple Kamikaze Plan to > all government employees, without comment, but with a large question mark at > the top. "We won't comment on that rumor," a Gingrich press spokesperson > said, "But the Speaker is very interested in this development, and plans to > address it in the next edition of his book." > > [EMAIL PROTECTED] > January 19, 1996 > > >
