Yesterday, when I got home from work and picked my mail up from the basket on the coffee table, I found an ominous little postcard. The card read the Rattlesnake U. 30th Reunion scheduled for this weekend has been canceled. Sorry for any inconvienece call 1-800-666-7734 the alumni office. Well, I knew this was going to happen. Being computer literate, I read the website of Mudsuck Gazette&Mail which is WV's largest newspaper almost everyday. This weeks front-page news was that a White Christian Identity Separatist Conference was being held in Mudsuck and that they had taken up all of the hotel and motel rooms with in a 30 mile radius of Mudsuck. So, no room at the inn for the Rattlesnakes. This was as people used to say a bummer. I was looking forward to a weekend of trick shooting, moonshine drinking and being chased by 50 some year old co-eds in the woods. Oh, well! Meanwhile there is academic trouble at Rattlesnake U. The head of the Snake Handling Department and Renowned Professor of Speaking in Tongues has decided to call it quits. This is a blow to us Rattlesnakes who are into the liberal arts and sciences. Just think of all the time the good doctor spent teaching your uncle Opie to speak in tongues. Then to make matters worse the Esteemed Professor of Reading and Writing has announced that he is taking a one year sabbatical to an island of the coast of Alaska. This may have something to do with a lack of Sears Catalogs available to his department. Getting back to Yugoslavia. The head of the Rattlesnake U. Department of Genealogy is a Yugoslavian expert. I think he is smart enough not to start any shit between the Croats and the Serbs, because that would be like starting shit down on the Tug River in WV. You could get killed in the crossfire. Because both groups got more in common with each other than they do with you! America has yet to learn this lesson. This is sort of the Kucinich-Kasich tune and let's not forget Tito was a Croat and so are Kucinich and Kasich. Stopping the bombing, calling a peace conference at a ski resort and letting the Albanians know before hand they are not going to be selling any powdered white lighting in Kosovo would be a good start. Your email pal, Tom L.
