> >> > > > >> > >> > This is an actual letter sent to a Bank in the US. The bank thought it > >> > amusing enough to publish it in the New York Times. > >> > > >> > Dear Sir: > >> > > >> > I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I > >> > endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three > >> > nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the > >> > arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of > >> > course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an > >> > arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. > >> > > >> > You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, > >> > and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the > >> > inconvenience I caused your bank. My thankfulness springs from the > >> > manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant > >> > financial ways. > >> > > >> > You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our > >> > relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am > >> > restructuring my affairs in 2000, taking as my model the procedures, > >> > attitudes and conduct of your very bank. > >> > > >> > I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited > >>and > >> > proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the following: > >> > > >> > First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your > >>telephone > >> > calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the > >> > impersonal, ever-changing, prerecorded, faceless entity, which your > >>bank > >> > has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh > >> > and blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and > >> > hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by > >> > check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your > >> > branch, whom you must nominate. > >> > > >> > You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any > >> > other person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an > >> > Application Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to > >> > complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know > >>as > >> > much about his or her as your bank knows about me, there is no > >> > alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history > >> > must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory > >> > details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and > >> > liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. > >> > > >> > In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number, which > >> > he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be > >> > shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of > >> > button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank > >> > service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. > >> > > >> > Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my > >>new > >> > telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My > >> > Authorized Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have > >> > any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an > >> > automated voice. By pressing Buttons on the phone, he/she will be > >>guided > >> > through an extensive set of menus: > >> > > >> > 1. To make an appointment to see me. > >> > 2. To query a missing repayment. > >> > 3. To make a general complaint or inquiry. > >> > 4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there; extension > >> > of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received. > >> > 5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping; extension > >> > of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received. > >> > 6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature; > >> > extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is > >>received. > >> > > >> > 7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not home. > >> > 8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to > >> > access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a > >>later > >> > date to the contact. > >> > 9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 > >> > through 9. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention > >> > of my automated answering service. > >> > > >> > While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will > >> > play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best > >>Of > >> > Woody Guthrie: > >> > > >> > "Oh, the banks are made of marble > >> > With a guard at every door > >> > And the vaults are filled with silver > >> > That the miners sweated for" > >> > > >> > After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it > >> > all by heart. > >> > > >> > On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has > >> > often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a > >> > cost--a cost that you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me > >> > repay your kindness by passing some costs back. > >> > > >> > First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I > >> > will read for a fee of $20/page. Inquires from your nominated contact > >> > will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any > >>debits > >> > to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the > >> > dishonored check, will be passed back to you. My new phone service runs > >> > at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come free), so you > >> > would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. > >> > > >> > Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an > >> > establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. > >> > > >> > <name> > >> > Your humble client > >> > > > > _________________________________________________________________________ > >
