BUSH TO USE GIANT HYPNO-COIN IN SPEECH TO U.N. -- by Andy Borowitz.
âYou Are Getting Very Sleepy,â He Tells World Body President George W. Bush will use what aides are describing as a âgigantic hypno-coinâ when he addresses the United Nations to ask for assistance in Iraq, White House sources confirmed today. Mr. Bush will use the enormous hypnotic device to erase the delegatesâ memory of everything that has transpired in the past eighteen months and to force them to do his bidding, aides said. According to the text of his U.N. speech, excerpts of which were leaked today, after Mr. Bush greets the U.N. delegates the monstrous hypno-coin will descend from the ceiling and mesmerize them with its swirling spiral pattern. âYou are getting very sleepy,â the text of the presidentâs speech reads. While some critics of the hypno-coin strategy have complained that it violates widely respected rules of diplomacy, White House spokesman Scott McClellan argued that Mr. Bush has used the hypno-coin before with positive results. âThe hypno-coin was invaluable in convincing seventy percent of the American people that Saddam Hussein was responsible for 9/11,â Mr. McClellan told reporters. In news from Iraq, the U.S. today released a swarm of cicadas to root out insurgents hiding in a sacred mosque in the southern city of Kufa. But the plan fizzled as the cicadas suddenly disappeared before their mission was complete, drawing the ire of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. âThose damn bugs just whine, have sex, and vanish,â he said. âFor all intents and purposes, theyâre French.â In other Iraq news, Iraqis continued to protest a U.S. air strike of a wedding near the Syrian border, while U.S. officials continued to insist it was a gay wedding. The Borowitz Report <http://www.borowitzreport.com>
