Lance Murdoch wrote:
This full-page ad ran in the New York Times yesterday -
http://www.nysehostage.com/ads/control_newyorktimes.jpg
Slightly older copy... I wonder who these people think they are!
Hippie Terrorists Seize Coffee Shop, Objectives Unclear
Burlington, VT April 24 – FBI agents have apprehended a small group of
left wing terrorists who apparently took possession of a Starbucks
coffee shop in this small Vermont city. At least eight hostages were in
the store when it was seized, though all were released unharmed.
Initially, the terrorists claimed only to be seeking an end to the
conflict in Iraq, however as negotiations with law enforcement officials
continued over the course of the day, the demands issued by the group
began to stray from this central theme, becoming a disjointed and
convoluted laundry list of miscellaneous liberal causes.
The militant group’s foreign policy objectives, at least as they
pertained to Iraq, were lucidly and persuasively expressed through a
series of well-choreographed interpretive dance routines, complete with
percussive accompaniment. However, while the demonstration nominally
centered on Iraq, many of the other demands issued over the course of
the day appeared to have little or nothing to do with the war. In fact,
it was clear that various group members seemed to feel strongly about a
wide range of issues, and in many cases had erroneous or very limited
information about the topics they wished to address. There was one
somewhat baffling exchange in which a terrorist spokeswoman made an
emotional appeal for an end to the “Israeli Pakistani” conflict.
Among the more than 80 other demands issued by the group was a call for
President Bush to immediately “legalize it”, and several exhortations
for the release of convicted murderer and liberal icon Mumia Abu Jamal.
There were also several calls for end to the “subjugation of our four
legged brothers”, assumed to be an endorsement of the vegetarian
lifestyle, and a demand that the treasury department immediately begin
striking a new fifty cent piece featuring the likeness of late Grateful
Dead front man, Jerry Garcia.
Supporters gathered in large numbers outside of the coffee shop, holding
signs and chanting the slogan “no blood for oil.” The crowd of
demonstrators, estimated to numer at least five hundred, held signs that
bore poignant anti-war messages, as well as politically insightful puns
concerning the names of Vice President Dick Cheney and President George
Bush.
Negotiations were hampered by the militants’ intermittent contact. The
group repeatedly cut off communications with law enforcement, and were
instead observed playing protracted games of hackysack and drinking
coffee apparently stolen from the Starbucks shop they had occupied. A
spokesman for the terrorists said that his organization planned to hold
their ground, claiming that they had amassed enough provisions to
withstand an extended siege by law enforcement. This spokesman told
reporters that if necessary, his group was prepared to spend weeks
barricaded inside the coffee shop, claiming that they had stockpiled
significant reserves of fresh water and foodstuffs, as well as “acoupla
brews, some really tasty buds, and Jeff even brought his bongos, man,”
adding “we’re totally stoked.”
Surveillance photos taken by the FBI seemed to substantiate the group’s
claims, confirming the presence of numerous containers of water and
Magic Hat beer, as well as several large hempen duffel bags, each
containing an estimated seventy boxes of microwavable veggie burritos, a
staple of the hippie liberal diet.
The initial response to the incident was swift, with the Vermont state
police marshalling more than fifty officers, as well as a SWAT team
borrowed from nearby Montpelier. Late in the day, unable to ascertain
whether the suspects were armed, marshalls performed a careful
assessment of the suburban strip mall in which the Starbucks outlet was
housed, probing for any opportunity to enter and defuse the situation.
In a fortunate turn of events later that evening, law enforcement
officials discovered that the terrorists had apparently forgotten to
lock the back entrance to the store, and a team of agents was sent in to
apprehend the suspects. When law enforcement officials entered the
building, they found the militants in a lethargic state, apparently
having consumed sizable quantities of ale and marijuana. The hostages
were freed unharmed, and the suspected terrorists were taken into
custody without incident.
Written by Jon Campbell
Printed from: http://www.thespoof.com/news/print.cfm?storyID=10698
