Far-out solution Satire July 25, 2000 12:00 AM PT by David Bunnell Upside has learned that Microsoft's (MSFT) research division has been busily building a private space station and shuttle so the company can relocate its executive staff to outer space and thereby cease to be under the jurisdiction of U.S. antitrust laws. Nathan Myhrvold, Microsoft's former chief technology officer, is the primary designer of the Microsoft Space Transportation System version 1.0. The announcement in June 1999 that Myhrvold was taking a leave of absence, and the more recent announcement that he would not be returning to the company, were both part of a cover-up designed to detract attention from his real mission, now nearing completion. Space invaders Myhrvold was handpicked by Gates to lead the project and to accompany Bill and family to outer space on the first Microsoft Shuttle flight. The rumor that Bill and Nathan have had a falling-out was part of a misinformation campaign orchestrated by the Waggener Edstrom public relations firm, as was the story that Myhrvold would be spending his time at an archaeological dig. Myhrvold has been heading the secret mission at Microsoft's laboratory in Beijing, China. Gates and his family will vacation this fall in China and then launch off into space during an elaborate ceremony at Tiananmen Square. In exchange for this fantastic news event, China will guarantee that all Chinese Internet traffic will go through the Microsoft Network for the next 1,000 years. People have often asked why a company like Microsoft that steals all its ideas from competitors would need a research division with 1,000 top scientists and an annual budget of more than $2 billion. The reality is that most of this money, and most of the bandwidth of the scientists employed by Microsoft, have gone into building the space shuttle, as the company has been aware for some years now that it would inevitably clash with the U.S. government. Amazing as it may seem, Bill Gates has decided to relocate Microsoft's entire corporate offices to outer space and at the same time declare the existing Microsoft campus in Redmond, Wash., the "Divisional_Heaquarters.net of the United_States.net of America_Subsidiary.net." As a mere subsidiary of a foreign corporation that resides in a place where the U.S. has no extradition treaties, Microsoft will no longer be subject to U.S. antitrust laws. By January 2001, if the project remains on plan, Gates and his senior team and their families will be on the space station, where they have vowed to live and work without restrictions. Microsoft executives are convinced that not only will they be truly free to provide innovative solutions to every citizen on planet Earth, but they will also be able to work longer hours and get by with less sleep, thanks to the benefits of weightlessness. This is expected to give them a tremendous competitive advantage over earthbound organizations like Sun Microsystems (SUNW) and AOL (AOL) Time Warner (TWX). Planet Microsoft Chairman Gates has reportedly told his closest associates that he may never return to Earth. "Melinda and I and the kids have the opportunity to live without the burdensome impedance of gravity, while at the same time we can tell Uncle Sam to go fuck himself," he is supposed to have said recently during a company retreat. Microsoft intends to build separate orbiting mansions for Gates and for each of his executives and their families. The whole project is expected to take years and billions of dollars to complete, but the legal process of relocating Microsoft headquarters will be completed by the end of the year. Microsoft's corporate address will change from Microsoft, Redmond, Wash., to Microsoft, Outer Space, Universe. The company will no longer accept surface mail. Editor's disclaimer: David Bunnell has an uncanny ability to write the news before it happens. Nothing in the above piece is true, except in his mind. have a good weekend, yudha -- Dreams have but one owner at a time. That is why dreamers are lonely. -- Erma Bombeck
