Thank you very much. I really appreciate it. I'll incorporate your suggestions tonight. thank you thank you
On Sun, 12 Sep 2004 19:59:51 +0800, Rafael 'Dido' Sevilla <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> wrote: > On Sun, Sep 12, 2004 at 03:24:30PM +0800, Prem Vilas Fortran Rara wrote: > > part of our org (UnPLUG) activities is to write regularly articles > > related to FOSS and the community. I would appreciate if you can > > review (or correct) this article I wrote about the looming economic > > crisis and FOSS. > > > > please be gentle on me, i am an engineering student, not journ. (you > > can include grammar corrections.) thank you. > > English teacher mode on... :) > > Paragraph 1: > > "Last year as early as February..." > > Maybe you should say "Early last year, in February..." > > Never say "softwares". Software is a mass noun. Change it everywhere > you use it. > > "Now UP Diliman is almost Linux..." > > Maybe you should say "Now UP Diliman has almost totally migrated to > Linux..." > > Perhaps you should use PhP 9000 instead of P9000. In the absence of a > Unicode character for the peso sign (there should be one in the new > version of Unicode, if I'm not mistaken, but nobody supports that yet), > I think this is the accepted currency symbol for the Philippine Peso. > > Join the last two sentences: "Through this model UP has saved thousands > of pesos, almost recovering from the severe budget cut, and it is urging > other public universities to follow the same model." I think UP > Diliman's savings in this regard do not amount to a mere piddly > thousands of pesos, but up to the millions. A hundred licenses of XP > alone comes up to PhP 900,000, and a hundred licenses of Office XP would > cost PhP 1.7 million, using your own figures, and given that UP Diliman > has thousands of machines used by staff, faculty, and students, a more > accurate figure would be in the millions to tens of millions. > > Paragraph 3: > > "For one, free and open source..." > > Change this to "Firstly, Free and Open Source Software..." because you > later say "secondly". Also, capitalize Free Software and Open Source > software, but lowercase "free" when you mean gratis o libre in Tagalog. > That's one way of avoiding the confusion inherent in the English word > "free". > > I think you should also join the first two sentences to read: "For one, > while Free and Open Source Software are often free as in 'gratis', the > "Free" in Free Software actually refers to the freedom to modify the > program according to the needs of the user." > > "Secondly, this will not only... contributing for the imporvement of > a certain software." > > Change this to read: "Secondly, this will not only... contributing to > the improvement and customization for the Philippine setting of many > important bits of software." Again, software is a mass noun, and I > think you should stress that Free Software can and will be customized to > suit local needs. I don't know if you should stress the fact that > "teachers and students" do this work. While at the moment I'm a > (graduate) student, my primary role is in the private sector, and I have > been doing a lot of this kind of customization you mention throughout my > professional career. I imagine this is also what many people here at > PLUG also do. > > Last sentence: "The revolutionary software technologies..." I don't > know if this is true. Unix as one example, was not developed within the > academe, but by Bell Labs R&D in the early 1970's. People around here > can give many other examples besides. This is a debatable issue and one > that I think your article would be better off not mentioning. > > Paragraph 4: > > "Now UP is announcing..." I think it was the national government that > announced this, not the University. > > "But amidst this drive to save (the?) Philippines from becoming another > Argentina, some departments of the department (sic) are pushing the > agenda on the wrong side." Hmmm... "departments of the department"? I > think you mean "departments of the government"? > > Paragraph 5: > > "While this act is noble... that have not even touched computers but > this is not a long-term solution." Remove the 'but'. "Instead of > creating a creative atmosphere..." Too many uses of the word 'create' in > very close succession. Maybe it should say "Instead of fostering a > creative atmosphere..." to remove the redundancy. > > Last sentence. I think you should further emphasize that such schools > will be forced to *continuously* update their systems in the future. > The dreadful upgrade treadmill. > > Paragraph 6: > > Ok, except that I think you should put some punctuation in the paragraph > to make it easier to read: > > "At this hour, when we desperately need a means to cut expenditures, > government agencies should opt for FOSS. As an example, the State of > California is reviewing all of its software procurements and has advised > agencies to use FOSS when possible. In Germany, the city of Munich > dumped Microsoft software and opted to use Linux instead. This prompted > one executive of Microsoft to directly intervene, afraid this would set > a trend, in the very hour when Microsoft was heavily fined by the EU > Commission for violation of antitrust laws. They were not wrong: > lately, the President of India, who is himself a technologist, is > pushing to implement the FOSS model in government agencies." > > Commas, colons, and word order. Otherwise the paragraph is ok. > > Paragraph 7: > > Again, commas: "Not only can the government...., but it would help..." > Say rather "...but it could help..." and say "some of whom" instead of > "some of which" because you're referring to people, not things. "FOSS > model.." is missing an article: "The FOSS model..." > > Other general comments: > > Overall, very good, well-written article, but I think there are a number > of points that you further need to emphasize. This battle is not just > about money and the ICT development of our country, although money is > certainly an important part of this equation, as is giving our nation's > people the skills needed to thrive in this new century. > > I think you should read Peruvian Congressman Edgar Villanueva Nunez's > letter to Microsoft's country manager for Peru after he sponsored a bill > encouraging the use of Free Software in their government wherever > applicable: > > http://www.gnu.org.pe/resmseng.html > > This transcript of a speech by Argentinian Senator Alberto Conde, who > has done a similar thing in Argentina may also be helpful: > > http://proposicion.org.ar/doc/gob/Conde-281102/index.html.en > > They both give many other arguments for the desirability of Free > Software in government, besides the fiscal reasons and educational > reasons you stress. Permanence of data is one (ever try to read a > WordStar document from 20 years ago lately?). Security is another > (do you want "software that phones home" to report your tax records to > someone else?). There are many more reasons that these lawmakers of > Latin American countries (whose plight so resembles our own) elucidate > in the letters I have mentioned. > > -- > dido > Te capiam, cuniculus sceleste! > -- Prem Vilas Fortran Rara [web] http://premrara.com -- Philippine Linux Users' Group (PLUG) Mailing List [EMAIL PROTECTED] (#PLUG @ irc.free.net.ph) Official Website: http://plug.linux.org.ph Searchable Archives: http://marc.free.net.ph . To leave, go to http://lists.q-linux.com/mailman/listinfo/plug . Are you a Linux newbie? To join the newbie list, go to http://lists.q-linux.com/mailman/listinfo/ph-linux-newbie
