[image: CAP News] Senate Passes Keystone Lager Pipeline Bill WASHINGTON (CAP) - The United States Senate has put its stamp of approval on New legislation that calls for the construction of a pipeline between Colorado and Virginia to deliver Keystone Beer to the East Coast. If the House passes the bill, lager could begin flowing as early as next year.
"How do you like that Republican-controlled Senate now?" said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY). "Once we're funneling beer to two thirds of the nation, we should be able to pass any shit we want. politics NEWS Senate Passes Bill Mandating Hand Washing <http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=201410006> Joe Biden Pushes For More School Funding For 'Retards' <http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=201409008> Rick Perry Indicted For Abuse Of Social Media <http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=201409001> Palin, Brown Announce 2015 Presidential Bid <http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=201408001> Biden Swaps More Prisoners For Fifth Of Scotch, Some Smokes <http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=201406001> "And if our constituents start sobering up, we just need to increase production," he added. "Who would argue with that?" Although the bill received unusual bipartisan support, Democrat alcoholics wanted to hold out for something harder. Sen. Ed Markey (D-MA) said Massachusetts deserves a steady flow of the whiskey after the winter his state has endured. "Keystone Beer? Really? That's the best America can do?" Markey said. "Why don't we just funnel some Old Milwaukee throughout the country while we're at it? "No wonder Europe doesn't respect us," he added. "First David Hasselhoff <http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=201010002>, and now this." To help garner support from the states through which the pipeline will run, the bill calls for spigots to be installed at various points along the way. Most state regulations will only allow residents to fill up to two gallons at a time at the taps. "On the one hand, my first instinct would be to hoard is much as I can," said Kentucky resident Chester Peterson. "But if I can just fill 'er up every day when I go play my Keno, the 'Publicans have got my vote." Construction of the pipeline is expected to create hundreds of jobs and thousands of alcoholics, resulting in a net-zero change to the unemployment rate. TODAY'S TOP STORIES Mascot Battle Angers Raiders, Hebrews, Spics <http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=200703006> Scientists Find 'Telephone Interrupt' Gene In Kids <http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=200903004> Over 100,000 New Year's Resolutions Broken This Week <http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=201503002> Spelling Bees To Start Allowing Misspelled Words <http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=201103006> ISIS Draws Beards, Mustaches On American Currency <http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=201503001> [image: Fake Advertisement] CAP NEWS TICKER New York latest state to ban sneezing while driving, calling it the third most distracting event for drivers behind texting and masturbation Apple accidentally unveils new watch at 12pm instead of 1pm after forgetting to turn device forward an hour for daylight savings TO UNSUBSCRIBE, HIT REPLY AND ASK TO BE REMOVED FROM FUTURE MAILINGS. -- -- Thanks for being part of "PoliticalForum" at Google Groups. For options & help see http://groups.google.com/group/PoliticalForum * Visit our other community at http://www.PoliticalForum.com/ * It's active and moderated. Register and vote in our polls. * Read the latest breaking news, and more. --- You received this message because you are subscribed to the Google Groups "PoliticalForum" group. To unsubscribe from this group and stop receiving emails from it, send an email to [email protected]. For more options, visit https://groups.google.com/d/optout.
