These were funny because they told a lot of truths......
1. My goal for 2016 was to lose 10 pounds Only 15 to go. 2. Ate salad for dinner. (Mostly croutons & tomatoes) Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza. 3. How to prepare Tofu: Throw it in the trash and grill some meat. 4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web. 5. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes. 6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it. 7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel. 8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me. 9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside they closed school? Me neither. 10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I'm sorry...I forgot where I was going with this.... 11. I love being over 70. I learn something new every day and forget 5 others. 12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money, so I woke up and searched with him. 13. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day. 14. March 13, 2017 was the beginning of Daylight Savings Time. Hope you didn't forget to set your bathroom scale forward 10 pounds on Saturday night. 15. Just remember, once you're over the hill, you begin to pick up speed. Pass this forward (or backward, I'm not sure) to your fellow seniors. Where To Retire You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where: 1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade. 2. You've experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl. 3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town 4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food. 5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees. 6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME? OR You can retire to Southern California where: 1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house. 2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway. 3. You know how to eat an artichoke. 4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is. 5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Stupidity and Drought. OR You can retire to New York City where: 1 You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan. 2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map. 3. You think Central Park is "nature." 4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual. 5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car.) 6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression OR You can retire to Minnesota where: 1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup. 2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas. 3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole. 4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons. 5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair. 6. The highest level of criticism is "He is different," "She is different," or "It was different!" OR You can retire to The Deep South where: 1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store. 2 "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural. 3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense. 4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc. 5. Everything is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." 6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say "Bless his heart" at the end! OR You can move to Colorado where: 1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car. 2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center. 3. A pass does not involve a football or dating. 4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail. OR You can retire to Nebraska or Kansas where: 1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name. 2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor 3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day. 4. You end sentences with a preposition; "Where's my coat at?" OR FINALLY you can retire to Florida where: 1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon. 2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars 3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist. 4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state. 5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people. (https://urldefense.proofpoint.com/v2/url?u=http-3A__www.avg.com_email-2Dsignature-3Futm-5Fmedium-3Demail-26utm-5Fsource-3Dlink-26utm-5Fcampaign-3Dsig- 2Demail-26utm-5Fcontent-3Dwebmail&d=DwMFaQ&c=clK7kQUTWtAVEOVIgvi0NU5BOUHhpN0 H8p7CSfnc_gI&r=SJm4FqmUS020qPuJB8wzZ3cb_sVmNc_nmQDYr-H-_Tg&m=ZaorPpUfOExLCfl yBskwmGgAFLW8oMSlTtHABG6n-Nw&s=1PmCjDl4UJVHMt9NQBNPTzoDj2-Oh8MWVz79NZUXCNg&e =) Virus-free. _www.avg.com_ (https://urldefense.proofpoint.com/v2/url?u=http-3A__www.avg.com_email-2Dsignature-3Futm-5Fmedium-3Demail-26utm-5Fsource-3Dlin k-26utm-5Fcampaign-3Dsig-2Demail-26utm-5Fcontent-3Dwebmail&d=DwMFaQ&c=clK7kQ UTWtAVEOVIgvi0NU5BOUHhpN0H8p7CSfnc_gI&r=SJm4FqmUS020qPuJB8wzZ3cb_sVmNc_nmQDY r-H-_Tg&m=ZaorPpUfOExLCflyBskwmGgAFLW8oMSlTtHABG6n-Nw&s=1PmCjDl4UJVHMt9NQBNP TzoDj2-Oh8MWVz79NZUXCNg&e=) -- -- Thanks for being part of "PoliticalForum" at Google Groups. 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