Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you
should have remained a virgin.'
- Lillian Carter (*mother of **Jimmy Carter*)
<><>
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not
pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but
fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
<><>
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I
have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that
statement.
- Mark Twain
<><>
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good
ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns
<><>
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
<><>
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
<><>
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you
get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
<><>
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
<><>
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she
stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
<><>
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
<><>
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food
groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
<><>
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
<><>
Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant
form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
<><>
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was *SHUT UP*.
- Joe Namath
<><>
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for
my nap.
- Bob Hope
<><>
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields
<><>
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way
through Congress.
- Will Rogers
<><>
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid
you.
- Winston Churchill
<><>
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts
to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller
<><>
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go
anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
<><>
And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
<http://www.incredimail.com/index.asp?id=109095&rui=110939190>
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