This wont be topped all weekend. On Fri, Jun 19, 2009 at 7:36 AM, Cold Water <[email protected]> wrote:
> > > > Widow of Murdered Fly Seeks White House Apology, > Shit<http://iowahawk.typepad.com/iowahawk/2009/06/widow-of-murdered-fly-seeks-white-house-apology-shit.html> > > [image: Grieving > widow]<http://www.flickr.com/photos/iowahawk_blog/3638914881/> > *Grieving widow faces uphill legal > battle against President* > > WASHINGTON -- The widow of the housefly murdered by Barack > Obama<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5rbUH_iVjYw>during a recent CNBC > television interview announced this morning that she > would be filing a wrongful death suit against the President in federal > district court. The plaintiff brief -- citing pain, suffering and loss of > income -- seeks a formal apology and compensatory damages, including an > unspecified quantity of shit. > > "Bob was wonderful husband and provider," said the widow, Mrs. Vivian > Vvzzvzwwzzz, wiping tears from her compound eyes. "Even though he was always > busy at the Rose Garden turd pile, he always flew home in time to tuck in > our maggots." > > The 17-day old widow said the grieving process since the murder has taken > its toll. > > "Although it's been nearly 48 hours, I still get an empty feeling in my > thorax everytime I think about it," she said. "I feel like I've aged an > entire week. Mating season is over, and here I am, stuck trying to raise 532 > larvae on my own." > > Vvzzvzwwzzz described the "abdomen-wrenching horror" she experienced while > watching the President casually assassinate her husband during the live > broadcast. > > "It was just before supper time and I was predigesting the evening shit for > the kids," she recalled. "When I looked up at the TV I saw Bob there, and of > course I was pretty excited. He started waving at me, and then, all of a > sudden, SLAP! My whole world, my life, layed smashed across the back of > Obama's left hand. And with 360 degree peripheral vision and hundreds of eye > facets, it was impossible to look away." > > Ever since the incident, Mrs. Vvzzvzwwzzz said she had been trying to piece > her life back together. > > "I just get paralyzed wondering how I'm going to raise my larvae for the > next six days, alone, without any kind of support," she said. "Most days I > just end up on the clung to the ceiling, numb and crying, eating a rancid > bowl of Ben & Jerry's." > > Breaking down, an emotionally distraught Vvzzvzwwzzz was comforted by PETA > President Ingrid Newkirk and ACLU President Nadine Strossen. The two groups > announced they will file an amicus brief in the case and file a separate > class action suit against the insecticide, flyswatter and pest strip > industries, seeking over 1 million metric tons of compensatory shit on > behalf of 200 billion Fly-Americans. > > "The President's treatment of the Fly community has been extremely > disappointing," said Newkirk. "He almost seem to relish his bloodthirsty > attack on Mr. Vvzzvzwwzzz. It's obvious he's in the pocket of Big Manure." > > University of Tennessee law professor Glenn > Reynolds<http://pajamasmedia.com/instapundit/>said > *Vvzzvzwwzzz v. Obama* is likely to raise several thorny constitutional > issues. > > "The courts have a lot of questions to sort out here," he said. "For > example, can a sitting president be forced to testify in a civil suit? Can > he give himself immunity? How does this effect the rights of cooties and > crab lice? Also, just how completely batshit insane is > PETA<http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/06/17/peta-wishes-obama-hadnt-s_n_217162.html> > ?" > > Despite the prospect of facing a challenge from the President's formidable > legal team, Vvzzvzwwzzz said she was prepared to pursuit it all the way to > the Supreme Court. > > "If Mr. Obama thinks he can shoo me away with his legal briefs and his > rolled-up New York Times, then he is sadly mistaken," said an angry > Vvzzvzwwzzz. "He has no idea how persistent and annoying I can be. I'm in > this for the long haul. All the way till July, if I'm still alive." > > Reynolds cautioned that no matter how determined the plaintiff, such a > prolonged legal battle against the President could prove prohibitively > expensive. > > "Mrs. Vvzzvzwwzzz is likely to end up spending millions in legal fees, with > an unknown probability of success. Even if she prevails, the ACLU and PETA > lawyers will eat 40% of her shit settlement in contingency fees," he said. > > Vvzzvzwwzz said she would be establishing a legal fund to help defray the > cost of the suit, and appealed to the public for contributions. > > "PETA has been very generous in relocating my family to a welcoming new > neighborhood filled with filthy, stoned, slow-reflexed vegans, but we still > need money for court costs," she said. "Help meee-eee! Help > meee-ee-eee-eee! <http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=14pIrRclWTY>" > > http://iowahawk.typepad.com > > > > __._,_.___ > > > > > > -- *~@):~{> --~--~---------~--~----~------------~-------~--~----~ Thanks for being part of "PoliticalForum" at Google Groups. For options & help see http://groups.google.com/group/PoliticalForum * Visit our other community at http://www.PoliticalForum.com/ * It's active and moderated. 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