Thanks CW. iowahawk is always great. On Wed, Sep 22, 2010 at 8:30 AM, Cold Water <[email protected]> wrote:
> *Barack Obama's Big Book of Stump Speech > Parables*<http://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2010/09/20/again_obama_uses_car_ditch_slurpee_metaphor_at_sestak_fundraiser.html> > > > Thank you for that kind introduction, _EMCEE______, and let me say how > good it is to be back here in the __th district of _STATE___ which was so > vital in helping us take back Washington in November of 2008. And let me > also say that we've made a lot of progress thanks to > __DEMOCRATIC_CANDIDATE__. Neither I nor the __th district has had a more > loyal and hard-working ally in Congress. > > As we all know, __DEMOCRATIC_CANDIDATE__ is facing a tough re-election > campaign this November. S/he is facing an unprecedented barrage of attacks > from outside special interest groups and Wall Street fat cats who want to > make this election more about alleged __CANDIDATE_INCIDENT__ than the > bread and butter issues that concern everyday voters in the ___th District. > Well, we're not going to let them get away with it. Because the voters here > know that when it comes to health care, the environment, and economic > development __DEMOCRATIC_CANDIDATE__ is on their side. > > Have we made all the progress we wanted to? Of course not. But we're > working hard every day and moving in the right direction. And make no > mistake, this is pretty darn hard work. Now, you see, I like to use a little > analogy. The Republicans drove the car into the ditch. [*pause for > applause*] > > So now and me and __DEMOCRATIC_CANDIDATE__ are down there, behind the > bumper, sweatin' and pushin', trying to get it out. [*applause*] > > It's all hot, and there's flies and bugs and so on, and we're in our > flipflops down there in the mud. [*applause*] Meanwhile > __REPUBLICAN_CANDIDATE__ and his Republican friends are up on the > blacktop, sipping on their Slurpees, laughing and telling us to work harder. > [*laughs, applause*] > > And don't even try to point out their horrible driving that put the car in > the ditch in the first place, because then they'll accuse YOU of causing it > -- even though it was the Republicans who told you to grab the wheel while > they torched up the one-hitter. [*applause*] > > Yeah, smooth move there Republicans, especially with that pineapple truck > coming down the other side of the highway. Hey scro, I don't care whose > hands were on the wheel - it was your ass in the damned driver's seat and > Hawaii law says it's YOUR fault. [*applause*] > > It's all right there in the Driver's Ed booklet. Which also says you're > supposed to steer INTO the skid, just like I was before you tried to yank it > back. > > So, whatever, we're down in the ditch. Instead of thanking you for not > totalling the car, the Republicans start up with their upperclassman > bullshit. [*applause*] > > You're like, "come on man, help push it out before the cops get here," and > the Republicans are like, "I don't give a shit dude, it ain't my grandma's > car." And then you remind them that they are the ones who are over 18 and > will have to explain why they're in a car with minors and a trunk full of > beer and weed and bashed mailboxes, and they're like, "Do we know you? Hey, > we're just a couple of passing hitchhikers, man. We've never seen you guys > before in our lives." > > So instead of trying to argue further with these senior Republican > assholes, __DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE__ and I roll up our sleeves, get down > there in the muck, and start working to get the car up out of the ditch so > we can get back before 7th period History. [*applause*] > > Meanwhile __REPUBLICAN_CANDIDATE__ and his fat buddy are up there sucking > on their Slurpees, laughing everytime I kill the motor because I've never > driven a stick. Fuck you, Republicans. I hope you get a brain freeze from > your goddamn Slurpees. [*applause*] > > Finally the predicament changes and you see another car coming down the > highway. Thankfully it's not a cop, but kind of an older Chinese-looking > surfer guy in a Jeep. Now, it's a little rusted out but you immediately > realize that Jeep has 4 wheel drive, which is the sort of program you really > need to get the economic car out of the ditch. [*applause*] > > So you flag the Jeep down and ask the surfer for help. He looks at you and > __DEMOCRATIC > CANDIDATE__ up and down, real slow, and the he says, "sure*... boys*." > Okay, yeah, maybe the whole thing's getting a little creepy at this point > but you're tired and your flipflops are ruined and you're running out of > getting-out-of-the-ditch options. So you take up a collection to give the > Chinese surfer guy some money so he doesn't get the wrong idea, and guess > what? The Republicans claim they spent their last dollar on the fucking > Slurpee. [*applause*] > > Luckily there is some weed and beer in the trunk of grandma's car > which seems to satisfy the creepy Chinese surfer guy, and so __DEMOCRATIC > CANDIDATE__ and me drag the chain down in the ditch and hook it to the > bumper of the car. Then the Chinese surfer guns the motor on the Jeep and > the car starts coming out of the ditch but then you hear a sickening snap > and the front bumper comes flying off the car and then you start thinking > about how to explain to your grandma why her Maverick is covered in mud and > missing a bumper. And guess what? Those Republicans are still sitting on the > side of the road, laughing their asses off, still sucking on the Slurpees.[ > *applause*] > > So you take the chain back down in the ditch and wrap it around the front > of the frame and get behind the wheel and start the Maverick, and wave to > the Jeep guy, and you both gun your motors, and this time you finally > get out of the ditch but you're still getting the hang of driving a stick, > so you knock the Jeep into the ditch and accidentally hit the gas and go > flying across the other side of the road into a pineapple field. And now > those Republican fuckers are laughing so hard Slurpee is coming out of their > noses. > > Luckily the pineapple farmer drives by on his tractor and pulls you out, > but then he's like "how come you boys aren't in school?" And so the creepy > Chinese surfer dude says, "it's alright, sir, I'm their teacher and we're on > a biology field trip. Aren't we boys?" and all you can do is nod sheepishly > because you already have 3 unexcused absences this quarter. [*applause*] > > So then the pineapple farmer leaves and I'm sitting there with __DEMOCRATIC > CANDIDATE__ and __REPUBLICAN_CANDIDATE__ and his fat fuck Republican > buddy, plus now the creepy Chinese surfer dude's Jeep is wrecked from > pulling your grandma's car out of the ditch, so we're pretty much obligated > to offer him a ride back to Honolulu, which he seems a little too > enthusiastic to accept. Then __REPUBLICAN_CANDIDATE__ grabs your car keys > and throws him to his friend, the same asshole who drove into the ditch in > the first place, and then __REPUBLICAN_CANDIDATE__ yells "shotgun!" > > Oh. Perfect. Now me and __DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE__ are sitting in the back > of Grandma's bumperless Maverick, listening to dried clods of volcanic mud > hitting inside the economy's wheel wells, with creepy shirtless Chinese > surfer guy between us while __REPUBLICAN_CANDIDATE__ is playing that > fucking Jethro Tull 8 track again that I can't stand. And then surfer > guy lights up a one hitter with the weed we gave him for pulling our > economy of the ditch, and offers to shotgun me a hit, while -- swear to god > -- he puts his hand on __DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE__'s leg. > > I mean, holy crap, now me and __DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE__ are pretty much > freaking out. Good thing at this point that the Republicans had those > Slurpees, because now they have to pull the economy over to the side of the > road to take a piss. [*applause*] So we all get out and then I notice that > the Republicans have left the keys to the economy on the hood, so while they > are pissing out behind the palm tree I grab them. [*applause*] And then > __REPUBLICAN_CANDIDATE__ sees it and he has the nerve to yell, "hey, > give us back the car keys!" > > Car keys? We remember what happened when you Republicans had the car keys. > This is our grandma's Maverick, and we're taking it back, learner's permit > or no learner's permit. [*applause*] You Slurpee-sucking > Republican fuckers can stay out here and rot with your new creepy surfer > boyfriend until a ride comes along because we're driving now. [*applause* > ] > > Ha ha ha! [*applause*] > > Aw shit. Hey, __DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATE__, do you know how to drive a stick? > > > > http://iowahawk.typepad.com/iowahawk/2010/09/car_ditch-slurpee.html > > -- > Thanks for being part of "PoliticalForum" at Google Groups. > For options & help see http://groups.google.com/group/PoliticalForum > > * Visit our other community at > http://www.PoliticalForum.com/<http://www.politicalforum.com/> > * It's active and moderated. Register and vote in our polls. > * Read the latest breaking news, and more. -- Thanks for being part of "PoliticalForum" at Google Groups. For options & help see http://groups.google.com/group/PoliticalForum * Visit our other community at http://www.PoliticalForum.com/ * It's active and moderated. Register and vote in our polls. * Read the latest breaking news, and more.
