Watch, SOMEONE is gonna get offended by this. It is just a joke folks, just a
joke. if you are the one offended, may i suggest examining your outlook.
So You Lost Your ElectionA outplacement transition guide to life beyond
Washington
for former members and associates of Congress
Losing a job can be a challenging and stress-filled time. Especially during the
holidays, and especially for someone like you - the soon-to-be former team
associate of the United States Congress. At this moment, you may be packing
boxes and moving vans with the cherished mementos and petty cash of your career
in Washington. You may be wrapping those last-minute trillion dollar gifts and
holiday earmarks for loyal supporters, phoning final farewells to your
Washington colleagues, lobbyists, and "escort services." In many cases you may
find that they, too, have lost their jobs -- and, if they haven't, will no
longer return your calls. And in those lonely moments between, you ask: why me?
Whether you're a recently displaced 23-term committee chairman or a formerly
smug unemployed staffer with $180,000 of Georgetown student loans, it's
important not to give in to despair. Psychological studies tell us a lost
re-election campaign is the single most stressful event in the life of a
congressional incumbent, even topping the indictment of a campaign contributor
or an appearance at an unscripted town hall meeting. Also, a ballot box layoff
is, next to death, the second-leading cause of leaving Congress. The good news
is that there are positive, proactive steps you can take to reduce stress and
smooth your transition to your new life in the great unknown outside I-95.
And that's where this brochure comes in. At Iowahawk Congressional Outplacement
Services our primary goal is to orient, retrain, and mainstream former
employees of Capitol Hill for productive careers outside Washington. While we
can't get you back your seniority, your perks, or your mahogany-paneled office
in the Dirksen Building, we can give you the tools you'll need after your
ignominious rejection by those bastard ingrates you'll soon be living among.
Follow this step-by-step guide and you'll be back on your feet in no time!
Probably.
Step 1: Assess Your Skills and CompetenciesThe road to your new non-Washington
career begins with an inventory of your personal strengths and competencies.
Read the critical skill list below, and circle the ones that you possess.
Telling other people what to doDemanding moneyPeddling influenceTalking loudly
over others
Condescension / arroganceThreatening, browbeating, arguingNarcissismEvading
responsibility
Spin controlAs a former Washington professional, you probably circled four or
more of the above. Yes, there are some private sector industries where these
skills are valued - such as journalism, bill collection, professional
wrestling, higher education, and carnival barking. Unfortunately, these are all
declining industries with low wages and/or fierce job competition. In order to
maintain your standard of living, you will probably have to seek employment in
other industries where you will find surprisingly little demand for your skills.
FAQs (frequently asked questions)Instead of seeking a job, what if I decided to
leverage my congressional skills in my own business?
While entrepreneurship can sometimes be very lucrative, it is a good idea to
check with law enforcement officials. Under some federal and local statutes
your new business may be interpreted as organized crime.
Step 2: Familiarize Yourself With Your New IndustryIn order to land that good
job back in your home district, you first need to understand the ins and outs
of the non-Washington economic system. Unlike Washington's easy-to-understand
system of leveraging raw unbridled rulemaking and police power to extract
tribute from fearful and/or favor-seeking constituents, non-Washington
industries are largely based on the production of "goods" or "services." It
sounds complicated, but the basic idea boils down to making things or doing
thingsthat other people will pay for. The complicated part is to remember that
they must pay for themvoluntarily.
For example, let's consider a hypothetical barber, and let's call him 'Joe.'
Joe does something - namely, he cuts people's hair. The people whose hair Joe
cuts enter his barbershop voluntarily, and pay him for his service, also
voluntarily. Why? Probably because they desired a haircut, or possibly because
they enjoy his amusing patter and racy magazine selection. The important thing
to remember is that they paid for the haircuts voluntarily. Obviously, with his
sharp implements and razors, once a customer is in his chair Joe could threaten
to stab him or slit his throat unless he forks over his wallet and jewelry.
Unfortunately, this would probably reduce the number of customers coming to
Joe's barbershop.
As a former member of Congress the challenge for you is to identify those
things you can make, or things you can do, and target employers accordingly.
List them in the spaces below.
Things I can make*:
____________________________________________________________________Things I
can do*: _______________________________________________________________________
*remember, list only those things that people will pay for voluntarilyAre you
finished? If your space is blank, don't worry. This is true of most Capitol
Hill professionals. There are ways you can gain these skills which we will
cover in Step 3.
FAQsI have been told I was a good legislative salesman when I was in Congress.
Does this count as a 'thing I can do'?
There is always demand for good salesmen and saleswomen in the private sector,
but peddling influence and selling goods and services often require different
skill sets. For example, you will not be allowed to persuade customers by
outlawing your competition.
What if Joe hung a big sign on his barber pole announcing expensive fines and
penalties for people who stop coming to his barbershop?In principle this is a
good idea, but Joe will need someone to voluntarily enforce his fines. He could
subcontract enforcement to the Mafia, but even if this was legal the Mafia
would probably demand a large commission of any fines they collect for Joe.
Step 3: Get the Skills You NeedFortunately, America has thousands of colleges,
technical institutes, and trade schools that can teach you the skills you
currently lack. However, it is important to avoid coursework in fields like
political science, critical studies and journalism. Remember, you are trying to
gain skills. And if the previous section confused you, you should also probably
avoid barber school.
Unfortunately, gaining skills in high demand fields can take years of study and
mastering puzzling topics like math and ethics. One useful shortcut is to pick
an interesting job, identify someone who is good at it, and study how they do
it. For example, let's say you were interested in working as a Walmart greeter.
Go to the local Walmart and observe the greeter as he does his job. When
customers enter the Walmart, does he demand a contribution for directing them
to the appropriate section of the store? When customers leave the Walmart and
the greeter checks their bags, does the greeter remove items as an honorarium
for himself? If not, then this job is probably not for you. If you answered
yes, you should probably report this greeter to the Walmart manager.
FAQsWhat's the best strategy for picking the right school and getting accepted?
The best schools tend to have competitive admissions and require high SAT or
ACT scores. There are many inexpensive courses that can help you to prepare for
these exams. Also, if the school you are applying to has a center or sports
arena named after you, this will likely be seen in your favor.
Step 4: Finding Job OpeningsThis is probably the easiest part, and at the same
time the hardest part, of your job search. Despite the economy, thousands of
job listings can be found in your local newspaper and online sites like
Monster.com. The difficult part is finding one that will not laugh you out of
the room. If this is impossible, return to Step 3.
FAQsWill I have to declare an exploratory committee before I search the want
ads?
You can, but it is not mandatory.
How about a employment action fund?
You're new at this, aren't you? Step 5: Preparing Your Resume
An effective job resume should be no more than two pages, with sections devoted
to your education, employment history, and references. There are hundreds of
online resources available to help you. But remember, under no circumstances
should you list anything to do with your time in Washington.
FAQsI removed my Congressional experience from my resume. How do I explain the
28-year gap?
Claim you were in prison.
Step 6: The Job Interview
Congratulations! You're almost there in your new non-Washington job. You've
gotten a callback from a prospective employer who wants to interview you for an
opening. This can be daunting, but it's important to remain calm, relaxed, and
prepared. Before the big interview, make sure you are neat and clean, and
wearing appropriate business attire. In many ways your job interview will be
like an important televised Congressional debate, and your main goal is to sell
yourself. But remember -- always think of your interviewer as an undecided
voter, not your opponent. It's a common mistake, as recently experienced by one
ex-Capitol Hill layoff victim:
Job Interviewer: so, Mr. Grayson, I see here you would like to join the cast
here at Disney World. Tell me about yourself. What is it about Alan Grayson
that qualifies him to wear the Donald Duck costume?
Alan Grayson: You're in no position to question my fitness for this position.
The people of the Magic Kingdom already know why you want the Donald Duck
constume.
Job Interviewer: I... uh...Alan Grayson: You want to wear the Donald Duck
costume because it gives you the cover you need to kill people. That's right -
you want to kill people! Face it, beneath those feathers and behind that bill,
you are no different than the Taliban.
Job Interviewer: now just a minute, I...Alan Grayson: You be quiet, you
murderous webfooted terrorist! I have the floor.Job Interviewer: Is that a
gavel?
Alan Grayson: You are out of order! [bang] Out of order!Job Interviewer:
Security!In order to avoid an embarrassing episode like this, it helps to
picture your interviewer as an election year swing voter. Play up your
strengths. Use flattery. List the many things you will do for your prospective
employer once you are hired. Be careful, though - unlike a swing voter, a job
interviewer may actually write down your promises and expect you to do them.
FAQsIs it too much to ask the interviewer to address me as 'Senator'? I've
worked so hard to get this job.
Yes. And you are no longer a senator.Are their any local community groups who
can bring in buses full of extra interviewers before my big interview?
No. Don't take the "voter" metaphor too far. For instance, don't sue for a
recount if you lose your interview. Also, if you are Bob Ethridge, do not
attempt to strangle the interviewer.
Step 7: Going on Public Assistance
After a few months of job interviews, you will likely find that you are still
unemployed. Even if you somehow manage to get a job, it is only a matter of
time before your employer observes your performance and you find yourself back
on the street. In either case, your next stop is applying for public
assistance.
Yes, there once was a stigma associated with being "on the dole," but that is
largely a thing of the past. Today, more Americans than ever are receiving
unemployement checks, food stamps, and welfare -- in large part thanks to your
years of hard work in Washington. So don't be embarrassed, go for all the
goverment funded gusto you can. That's what it's there for! After all, haven't
you really been on public assistance since you were first elected?
FAQsIs it too much to ask my benefits caseworker to address me as 'Senator'?
I've worked so hard to get this job.
Uhh... sure, whatever. Senator.
December 24, 2010 in The Ruling Class | Permalink
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