[image: CAP News] Janet Napolitano Warns Of Locusts, New Super Zombie [image: Janet Napolitano Warns Of Locusts, New Super Zombie] Janet Napolitano gleefully describes the rapid downfall of humanity she expects to see once she leaves office.
WASHINGTON (CAP) - Outgoing Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano has issued another dire warning to her as yet unnamed successor: the locusts are coming, and if they don't ge t us, a ne "I've guided us safely through the cicadas, past the hordes of flying ants, and around Molasses Swamp with nary a scratch," Napolitano said during her less publicized second farewell address yesterday afternoon. "But there'll be no stopping The Great Locust Swarm of 2015. "Or 16. Or maybe 2017," she added. "Depends on when they get their act together." SHARE [image: Facebook]<http://www.facebook.com/sharer.php?u=http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=201308008&t=Janet%20Napolitano%20Warns%20Of%20Locusts,%20New%20Super%20Zombie> [image: Reddit]<http://www.reddit.com/submit?url=http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=201308008> [image: Google Plus] [image: Twitter]<http://twitter.com/home?status=Janet%20Napolitano%20Warns%20Of%20Locusts,%20New%20Super%20Zombie%20-%20http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=201308008> [image: StumbleUpon]<http://www.stumbleupon.com/submit?url=http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=201308008> u.s. NEWS al Qaeda Drops 'Share Everything' Plan, Foils NSA<http://www.cap-news.com/report.php?id=201307001> 'Coffee Pots For The Poor' Program Goes Belly Up<http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=201306001> Justice Dept. Seized Cosmo Records Seeking Sex Tips<http://www.cap-news.com/report.php?id=201305008> Cleveland Volcano Visible From Sarah Palin's House<http://www.cap-news.com/brief.php?id=201305003> Anti-Zombie Groups Fight Pitchfork Control Legislation<http://www.cap-news.com/report.php?id=201304001> During Napolitano's tenure, she oversaw the declaration of Lindsay Lohan as a federal disaster area <http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=200706013>, helped curb the flow of illegal Swedes<http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=201004005>to her home state of Arizona, and captured the wrong guy for sending a ricin-tainted letter to President Obama<http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=201304009> . "And who can forget the time I snatched that little Cuban boy from the loving arms of his uncle and sent him back to his abusive father in Cuba," said Napolitano as she wiped a tear from her eye. "No, wait - that was Janet Reno. "I always get us confused," she clarified. But Napolitano spent the bulk of her time behind the podium imploring Americans to be vigilant about zombies, pointing out that today's zombie has learned from the mistakes of its predecessor and is craftier, more brazen and has two and a half times the chewing power of Bush-era zombies. "If you see one of the undead ripping apart the flesh of your neighbor, don't just barricade yourself in your home," she said. "If you see something, say something. Otherwise, the zombies win." Napolitano is leaving her post to become the next president of the University of California system. However, school officials say that appointment is pending her successful completion of a full psychiatric evaluation, which they say "may be a little beyond her reach." IN OTHER NEWS God Almighty has issued a proclamation through Pope Francis, demanding that humans "stop fucking with watermelons" and let them grow by themselves. "Seedless watermelons? What's that shit? What's next, spermless men?" God stated. "If I wanted watermelons to be square, I'd have made them that way. Knock the fuck off." TODAY'S TOP STORIES Las Vegas Unveils New Marketing Strategy<http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=200708015> 2014 Video Music Awards To Feature All-Out Orgy<http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=201308007> Mass. To Eliminate Dept Of Pubic Health<http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=200908009> Mischievous E-Trade Baby Shuts Down Stock Exchange<http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=201308006> Supreme Court To Vote On Civil Rights For Wiggers<http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=201308005> [image: Fake Advertisement] CAP NEWS AUDIO New Testament Theme Park <http://www.cap-news.com/audio.php?id=64> [image: New Testament Theme Park] <http://www.cap-news.com/audio.php?id=64> If you're headed to Las Vegas on vacation, be sure to check out the Strip's newest family attraction. FROM THE VAULT [image: Microsoft's Allen Sues For Being Less Cool Than Apple] <http://www.cap-news.com/story.php?id=201008010> August 30, 2010 TO UNSUBSCRIBE, HIT REPLY AND ASK TO BE REMOVED FROM FUTURE MAILINGS. -- -- Thanks for being part of "PoliticalForum" at Google Groups. For options & help see http://groups.google.com/group/PoliticalForum * Visit our other community at http://www.PoliticalForum.com/ * It's active and moderated. Register and vote in our polls. * Read the latest breaking news, and more. --- You received this message because you are subscribed to the Google Groups "PoliticalForum" group. To unsubscribe from this group and stop receiving emails from it, send an email to [email protected]. For more options, visit https://groups.google.com/groups/opt_out.
