hey pop kids,
the email stork dropped this somewhat mean spirited cliff-notes to indy rock
into my mailbox. i'm sure some of everybody's favorite bands are skewered
somewhere in here; but the positive side is that some of everyone's least
favorite bands also get the same treatment.
just to reiterate for the record, even though i am an intelligent asshole, I
did not write this.
love,
mike
Some harsh shit here, but most of it is sadly true...
----- Original Message -----
From: "Comola" <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>
Newsgroups: alt.music.chapel-hill
Sent: Monday, February 28, 2000 11:52 AM
Subject: Seen this already?
>Someone said this came off a Flaming Lips site. I don't know, but it
sure
is
>entertaining.
>
>
>
>Beck - Nerdish twerp turns millionaire pop icon.
>
>Jets to Brazil - I swear I used to have a distortion pedal. I swear I used
>to be enormously influential. I swear this many college kids didn't always
>screw to my album.
>
>Hot Water Music - Every phrase I sayyyyyyy... just sort of trails
>offffffff... I guess that's why we're emooooooo.... Now harmonize!
>
>Three Mile Pilot - Oceans. Castles. Horses. Dude, we've gotta stop letting
>my little sister write lyrics.
>
>Dub Narcotic Sound System - Calvin, any of these three notes can be yours.
>Choose wisely.
>
>Polyvinyl Records Roster - Every album comes stained with whine.
>Sensitivity now available in classy blue and grey packaging.
>
>godheadSilo - Sweat pants. Moustaches. And still people swear we're ART.
>
>Slaves - We are not the VSS, we are not Angelhair... Oh, sorry, I wasn't
>listening.
>
>Mary Lou Lord - Aren't my chipmunk cheeks just adorable?
>
>Lois Maffeo - I wish I had Mary's cheeks.
>
>Pansy Division - Is this confrontationalist political activism or simply a
>way for straight boys pretend they're gay?
>
>Team Dresch - Is this confrontationalist political activism or simply a way
>for straight girls to pretend they're lesbian?
>
>New Wet Kojak - Ohh, it's SUPPOSED to be funny, right? RIGHT? Hmmm...
>
>Zeni Geva - Are the Americans laughing at the fat Japanese guitarist? Or is
>it the short one who entertains them?
>
>Sarge - I am pretty. Watch me snort coke. More bass! More guitar! Tell me
>I'm pretty.
>
>Thingy/Heavy Vegetable - See a 16-year old boy in the body of a jaded
>30-year old. No rhyme scheme in sight.
>
>Jim O'Rourke - Hahahahaha... I bet you people STILL think I'm "cutting
>edge". But then, when has Burt Bachrach been anything but extreme
>avant-garde?
>
>Godspeed you black emperor! - Ok, I've got this idea for a new song. It'll
>start out slow and quiet with violins and pretty sounds. Then we'll start
>a tape of some guy ranting about urban decay. Then we'll get faster and
>faster and louder and louder until we can't go any faster. Then we'll get
>slow and pretty and it'll be over. Sound good?
>
>5ive Style - Please... Somebody just put us out of our misery. Nobody likes
>Led Zeppelin THIS much!
>
>Heroic Doses - So, everybody loved 5ive Style. But wouldn't we be even
>better with a really WHITE drummer? I think so.
>
>The Ex - Democracy is bad. Enjoy our jerky rhythms.
>
>Sex Pistols - We're old, and sometimes dead.
>
>Wire - See Gang of 4.
>
>Gang of 4 - See Wire.
>
>The Peechees - See The Make-Up.
>
>The Make-Up - See Prince.
>
>Prince - See Little Richard.
>
>Dolomite - Let's play weird angular rock. We're not popular. Let's play
>country. We're not popular. Let's break up.
>
>Rodan - See John Candy film, "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles"
>
>Slint - See weird scary carnival lady and pirates that paint the houses. My
>microphone's fucked up. I miss you.
>
>Joan of Arc - Abstract expressionism is a bunch of crap... or something, I
>dunno. ummm....lala, chicken for baby. Dostoevsky hangs his hat on me.
>
>Belle & sebastian - I love Nick Drake.
>
>Nick Drake - I'm dead.
>
>Big Black - We're smart assholes.
>
>Caspar Brotzmann Massaker - Black. Black. Throw bricks at guitars.
>
>Don Caballero - Man, that guy's a good drummer. Man, that guy's a funny
>dancer. Is he playing that backwards?
>
>Superchunk - We're young and high on life. I'm excited. We're old. I'm
>bored.
>
>Metroschifter - I like Coke. Our bassist talks weird.
>
>Cat Power - I'm one fucked up chick.
>
>Smog - I'm one fucked up dude.
>
>Royal Trux - We're two fucked up people.
>
>Drag City Roster - We're all just fucked up.
>
>King Kong - I'm a funky monkey, and I smell like one too.
>
>Tortoise - I like Miles Davis. Buy my 30 different remix records.
>
>Stereolab - Marx Marx Marx. Give me money.
>
>Pavement - Our lyrics are difficult. Two bucks on the filly to place.
>
>June of 44 - $hark$ And $ailor$! $HARK$ AND $AILOR$$$$$$$$$$!!!!!
>
>Shipping News - Behold! The future of music: BOAT ROCK!!!
>
>Rachel's - By making literary references I improve my music (and image).
>
>Sun City Girls - I'm weird. Observe my invented language.
>
>Ruins - I'm Japanese. Observe my invented language.
>
>Earth Crisis - Boy are we short. KILL THE CHEESEMAN!
>
>Low - We're both Mormon. Let's be sad together. Who's the kid playing bass?
>
>Archers of Loaf - College was fun.
>
>Lungfish - I am Fidel Castro! Arrrrrrr!!!!!
>
>Henry Cow - Cities decay. But while they do lets hear a woodwind solo.
>
>Jon Spencer Blues Explosion - BLUES EXPLOSION!!!!!! (these white kids will
>never know better).
>
>This Heat - Let's make up Touch N Go first.
>
>Born Against - garble garble roar scream garble fuck the system garble
>wretch garble
>
>David Grubbs - I am an English major. I am a troubadour. The inanimate
>object does something odd.
>
>Bikini Kill - Grrrl Power!!!!! Pardon me while I strip.
>
>Glenn Branca - Put up with my arrogant personality while I rewrite myself
>many times over.
>
>The Coctails - I'm happy. I'm sad. I'm happy. Look! A musical saw!
>
>Crain - Stupid rocket house. Now we'll never make it.
>
>Will Oldham - If I could fuck a lyric. O' lord, if I could make a dollar.
>
>Jandek - Who?
>
>Tar - Same chord. Different rhythm. Different chord. Same rhythm. Neat!
>Metal guitars!
>
>Unwound - We don't care. No, We really don't care.
>
>Sunny Day Real Estate - I'm like Merlin in that I grow younger with age.
>Kumbaya.....
>
>Flying Luttenbachers - I like jazz. I like jazz and death metal. I like
>death metal.
>
>Labradford - I'm bored, let's get a bass player. (gets bass player) I'm
>bored, let's get a sampler. (gets sampler) I'm bored, let's get a string
>section. (gets string section) I'm bored, I'll start a side project.
>
>Ben Lee - I screw Claire Danes. Now you hate me even more.
>
>Breadwinner - I like Metallica. I've got a calculator.
>
>Bedhead - See bedtime. If we have beards, people won't think we're
>children.
>
>Pere Ubu - We're just playing this way to distract you from the vocals.
>
>The VSS - Atari ruined my life.
>
>Helium - I'm snotty, but pretty, so I boss my band mates around.
>
>Polvo - What are guitars?
>
>The Gravity Records roster - bang bang boom crash. Where's my cowboy shirt?
>How did I get so dirty?
>
>Melt Banana - yip eep eep epp hi yip aiiiiiiiiiiiiii
>
>Monorchid - I am very very punk. I have read Vineland and I too appreciate
>midgets and ninjas.
>
>Elliott Smith - Grease is the flavor of the month!
>
>The Sea and Cake - Hellllooo, ladies...
>
>Mountain Goats - I have been many, many, many places. Now I will sing.
>
>Sleater-Kinney - Our sexual orientation is ambiguous which allows us
>mainstream success.
>
>The Magnetic Fields - I'm sad and gay, and boy do I love ABBA!
>
>Stars of the Lid - What?
>
>Sonic Youth - We're old and WAY past washed-up, but maybe Macauly Culkin
>will improve our image and draw attention from our drummer's weight
>problem.
>
>Fred Frith - I have put many, many... MANY things in my guitar strings.
>
>Dirty 3 - How much beer can a new album buy us? Now it is story time.
>
>Guitar Wolf - Lock n' Loll!
>
>Nashville Pussy - Motorhead RULES!!!! (all these tits and pyrotechnics
>draws attention from our lousy music)
>
>Man or Astroman? - Our schtick works SO well we're still funny the second
>time around.
>
>Sean Na Na - See Damian Jurado.
>
>Damian Jurado - See Grape Ape.
>
>The Crainium - Look at my new toaster. It's like a man. Look at my new
>blender. It's like a woman.
>
>Endpoint - See a retarded woman singing Rites Of Spring songs.
>
>Metamatics - Sloppy guitars and leftist politics are a happy marriage.
>
>Shudder To Think - The Last of the Eunuchs.
>
>Nation of Ulysses - Being tired warrants running a country.
>
>Spacemen 3 - It's all about droning, droning, shooting smack, droning,
>droning, praising the Sonics, droning droning. We'll let the Vox organ go
>on for a bit.
>
>Slamdek Record Co. - "Time Bomb!"
>
>The Red Crayola - We'll make up Drag City records, and be a part of them
>because we're the epitome of "fucked up."
>
>Modest Mouse - See a retarded boy singing Pixies songs.
>
>Daniel Johnston - See a retarded boy.
>
>Wesley Willis - See a retarded black boy.
>
>Promise Ring - If I wasn't bald, I'd be a child.
>
>Doldrums - Join us in our obsession with Chinese culture and guitar solos.
>
>Cap'n Jazz - Kitty Kitty, I sing off key. My friend is bald. He plays with
>me. Doggy Doggy, alphabet soup.
>
>Screaming Trees - We're just big boned, that's all.
>
>The Warmers - Maybe we should've tried harder to find a guitarist.
>
>Murder City Devils - See G'n'R (Where's Axl? WHERE'S AXL?!?!?!)
>
>Fugazi - We're sorry. Two of our members are responsible for hardcore and
>
>emo, respectively. We're much better now, though.
>
>Codeine - BOOM sniff CRASH BOOM BOOM
> CRASH
>
>Lowercase - Kill the lights, I'm almost dead.
>
>Braid - The Thinking Man's Promise Ring.
>
>the hal al Shedad - No, I'm not British. Don't call me emo.
>
>Steve Albini - See Ted Nugent.
>
>...And You Will Know Us By The Trail of Dead - If we break things on stage
>people won't notice Sonic Youth.
>
>The Black Heart Procession - Change keys! For the love of God... CHANGE
>KEYS!!!!!
>
>The Jesus Lizard - See Public Image Limited.
>
>Public Image Limited - See Plastic Ono Band.
>
>TransAm - Hey! Who put that Rush in my Kraftwerk?!
>
>Climax Golden Twins - I love the Discovery Channel.
>
>Liz Phair - Fuck fuck fuck. (has baby) Darn darn darn.
>
>Sebadoh - Boy gets kicked out of hip band, writes many songs about it. Boy
>gets dumped by girlfriend, writes many, many songs about it. Boy gets
>married, moves to L.A. and has nothing to write songs about.
>
>Elliott - Band or busboys? You make the call.
>
>Retsin - See Indigo Girls.
>
>Guided By Voices - I am a heavy drinker who enjoys The Who. You are fired.
>Now, a high kick.
>
>Oval - My CD player is broken. Press record.
>
>Aerial M - zzzzzz... oh... what? Yeah yeah yeah, that was me in that band.
>Thanks for the cash.
>
>Thee Speaking Canaries - I got it bad, got it bad, got it bad! I'm Arthur
>Treacher.
>
>Storm & Stress - You'd like us if you had more patience.
>
>Angelhair - BLLLAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!
>
>The Locust - BLLLLAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! (keyboard)
>
>Rye Coalition - Hey, Tony Stilletto, thanks for coming out! So what if our
>bassist looks like Ricky Martin, you piece of shit!
>
>A Minor Forest - We're only getting away with this because we're on Thrill
>Jockey.
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