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http://www.arabnews.com/?page=5§ion=0&article=70697&d=26&m=9&y=2005
Monday, 26, September, 2005 (22, Sha`ban, 1426)
A Husband's Authority
Edited by Adil Salahi
Q. My husband insists that I should obey him whatever he tells me, and he
imposes on me a very strict code, requiring me to wear hijab in front of other
women who are even related to me. He speaks ill of my mother, which I find very
hard. If I am ill and need to see a doctor, he says that only when he feels
that I should see a doctor, he will take me to see one. He says that my parents
have nothing to do with me any more, because, now that I am married, everything
is deferred to him. No one else has any business with me. If he wants to beat
me up, he could do so because he is the man. If he comes home and finds me
reading the Qur'an, he interrupts me and says that nothing of my prayers or
reading is acceptable unless he is happy with me, and he never says that he is
happy with me. Please comment.
(Name and address withheld)
A. Some people give themselves much more than their due, hoping that in
this way they can gain an unfair advantage over those with whom they deal. When
this takes place between man and wife, it leads to a very unhappy home. It is
bad for the man, wife and children. If the lady's complaint is true in all its
details - and she has given me more details than I have reproduced - then she
has a very hard time with him. Unfortunately, some men are like that. They take
one or two Hadiths out of context to give themselves an authority that does not
belong to them. They not only misinterpret these Hadiths, but their actions are
in direct conflict with Qur'anic teachings.
Let us take one or two examples: God says in the Qur'an: "Consort with
them in a goodly manner." (4: 19) This statement should be the foundation of
marital relations. The phrase "goodly manner" is inadequate to express all the
meaning of the Arabic term used by God. It indicates all that is good in
personal treatment. How can a man who listens to this order by God say to his
wife that he could beat her up at will? Would he have considered this "goodly
manner" if, as a child, he had a cruel father who beat him up without
justification? The Prophet says: "Take good care of women." This man says that
he decides when his wife needs to see a doctor. He prefers to save the doctor's
fee, leaving his wife enduring pain and ill health, simply because he is the
man. Is he acting on the Prophet's order when he acts in this way? Is he taking
good care of her?
Moreover, God describes marriage as a solemn pledge given by men to
women. This is clearly stated in Verse 21 of Surah 4. He uses the same words in
describing the pledge He takes from His senior messengers: Noah, Abraham,
Moses, Jesus and Muhammad (peace be upon them all). The pledge in the case of
marriage requires men to take good care of women and to look after them well,
ensuring their well being. The husband of this lady fails miserably in honoring
his pledge, if what she describes is true. The way he treats her seems to
disregard her feelings and to negate her personality altogether.
Not only so, but this man wants to make God's pleasure with his wife
subject to his own satisfaction. What an enormity he is saying? He decides for
God whether her prayer or worship is acceptable! That can only be said by a
fool or a conceited person who shows no proper respect of God.
My advice to this lady is to explain her situation to her parents. Let
her father try to do something about it, perhaps with the help of someone
respectable in her husband's family. They should explain to this man that he is
failing badly in his responsibility. They should also make it clear to him that
unless he begins to mend his ways, treating his wife with all the respect and
fairness Islam requires, then he risks the collapse of his marriage.
If this does not work, then she has to decide what course she should
take. From the Islamic point of view, she may apply to a court of law to
dissolve her marriage on grounds of abuse and ill treatment. If she proves her
case, judgment will be granted in her favor and she gets a divorce with all her
rights maintained.
[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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