-----Original Message----- From: Greg <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> To: Geejay Schneeweiss <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>; Sue & Bob <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>; Sarah & Mark <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>; Martin Pether <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>; John McCarthy <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> Date: Thursday, 25 March 1999 8:15 AM Subject: Fw: Modern Banking > >Subject: Fw: Modern Banking > > >>Subject: Modern Banking >> >> >>> >>>This letter is an extract from the Sydney Morning Herald: >>> >>>My dear Bank Manager, >>> >>>I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I >>>endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some >>>three nano-seconds must have elapsed between his presenting the >>>cheque, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour >>>it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire >>>salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for >>>eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of >>>opportunity, and also for debiting my account by way of penalty for >>>the inconvenience I caused your bank. >>> >>>My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has >>>caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on >>>the path of fiscal righteousness. No more will our relationship be >>>blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my >>>affairs in 1999, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and >>>conduct of your very own bank. >>> >>>I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited >>>and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised about the >>>following changes. First, I have noticed that whereas I personally >>>attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you >>>I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, >>>faceless entity which your bank has become. >>> >>>>From now on I, like you, chose only to deal with a flesh and blood >>>person. My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and >>>hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by >>>personal cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an >>>employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware >>>that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to >>>open such an envelope. >>> >>>Please find attached an Application for Contact Status which I >>>require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight >>>pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank >>>knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies >>>of his/her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the >>>Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation >>>(income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by >>>documented proof. >>> >>>In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which >>>he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be >>>shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of >>>button presses required to access my account balance on your >>>phonebank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of >>>flattery. >>> >>>Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my >>>new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. >>>My Authorised Contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will >>>have any dealings, may call me at any time and be answered by an >>>automated voice. >>> >>>By pressing the buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided through >>>an extensive set of menus: >>> >>> 1) to make an appointment to see me, >>> 2) to query a missing repayment, >>> 3) to make a general complaint or inquiry, and so on. >>> >>>The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my >>>automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a >>>lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month >>>I have chosen to refrain from The Best of Woody Guthrie: >>> >>> "Oh the banks are made of marble >>> With a guard at every door >>> And the vaults are filled with silver >>> That the miners sweated for!" >>> >>>After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know >>>it off by heart. >>> >>>On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank >>>has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes >>>at a cost -- a cost which you have always been quick to pass on to >>>me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. >>> >>>First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This >>>I will read for a fee of $2 per quarter page. Inquiries from your >>>nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in >>>response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of >>>the penalty for the dishonoured cheque, will be passed back to you. >>>My new phone number service runs at 75 cents per minute (even Woody >>>Guthrie doesn't come free), so keep your inquiries brief and to the >>>point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also >>>levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new >>>arrangement. >>> >>>May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New >>>Year. >>> >>> Your humble client, >>> >>> Jolyon Ansuz >>> >> >> > > > ---------------------------------------------------------------- This is the Neither public email list, open for the public and general discussion. 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