���<--------- http://www.paulsfunhouse.com --------->��� and ���<----------The Grand Pooh-Bah of Humour ---------->��� presents
<---------------------PureHumour Joke Ezine!---------------------> Grab a seat and get ready to roar in laughter...you have reached the original home of PUREHUMOUR! In the unlikely event that you no longer wish to receive the "Best Humour on the Net" then you will find the unsubscribe instructions at the bottom of every mailing! Hmmmm? You offer a free book...all someone has to do is enter their name on a website and they could win...and nobody shows up! Well .. I shouldn't say nobody...but out of the thousands of subscribers on Purehumour...a very small percentage entered the contest yesterday....You still have time to get in on this... you can enter ONCE each day between now and Sept 28th... but you have to enter to win! You have MY personal guarantee that your email address is only being used for this contest and WILL NOT be used for any other purposes! I hate people who spam and sell addresses...so I would NEVER do that to my subscribers....so PLEASE get your names into the contest now: <a href=" http://contest.paulsfunhouse.com ">Click</a> http://contest.paulsfunhouse.com SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: Purehumour is now available in an ad-free version for a small fee...more details available at: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html ">Ad-Free</a> http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com/paid.html WIN $50.00 just by subscribing...a new winner each month starting in August! Today's issue includes contributions by: SunAmy, Laura, Keli, Tom, The Posens, Carroll. If you want to see your name here...send your jokes to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Jokes</a> ���-------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� Lets start with a quickie: The zoology teacher asked a small boy to make a sentence using the word "possum." He answered, "Maw got horny and gave possum." ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Searching... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.547 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.547 A request... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.548 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.548 ���------------------------SPONSOR---------------------------------��� Today's issue is brought to you by: Are you in the market for a jokelist that is a little less filling ?? Perhaps just a quick humor fix before you dash to work in the morning? Try Buffalo-lite. Mature humor from Buffalosjokes that won't fill your mailbox. Send a blank e-mail to mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Anni was at her lawyer's getting advice about a divorce. "Sam makes excessive sexual demands on me, Mr. Jones." "How do you mean?" "Well, Mr. Jones," says Anni, "this morning I was looking at the chickens, when Sam crept up behind me and had me from behind!" "Chickens? Anni, I didn't know you kept chickens." "We don't, Mr. Jones, we were at the supermarket!" ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� LIKE MY LIST? Why not give us a vote or recommend us to a friend? Vote Now : <a href=" http://www.fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.30.0 ">Vote for Me!</a> ���------------------------GUS COOKS!------------------------------��� Gus really gets cooking...a new strip each day! <a href="http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php";>Click</a> http://www.guscooks.com/strips.php ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Greg and Ron were in a lodge, making small talk. Greg asked Ron, "So, what do you hunt?" Ron answered, "I hunt unicorns." Greg was startled, but said, "Really? How do you do that?" Ron answered "I find a virgin and hire her to help me. The virgin sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare." Greg said "Boy, they must be hard to find. I've heard of them, but I've never seen one." Ron replied "Yeah, and there aren't many unicorns around, either!" ���----------------------PUREHUMOUR POLL--------------------��� A two car garage is nice! Check it out: <a href=" http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ">Poll</a> http://www.paulsfunhouse.com/fun/ ���-----------------------QUICK QUOTE----------------------------��� "I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died." - Steven Wright ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� The bases are loaded... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.549 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.549 McNuggets!! <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.550 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.550 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Anni was a beautiful girl. As she was walking through the woods on a hot summers day, the heat became too much for her and she decided to go for a swim. She took off all her clothes, piled them neatly on the side of the riverbank and dove in. A couple of young boys came along and decided to steal her clothes. Having gotten out of the water and discovered her clothes had been stolen, Anni decided to go to the roadside and hitch a ride home. Along came Paul, riding a bicycle. He stopped for Anni. "Come," he said, "I'll ride you into town." She jumped on his bicycle and rode side-saddle in front of him. Paul said nothing, but after ten minutes Anni was so overwhelmed at how calm he was that she said, "Tell me, haven't you noticed that I'm completely naked?" "Sure," said Paul. "Haven't you noticed that you're riding on a girls bike?" ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Why My Boyfriend Didn't Ask Me To Marry Him <a href=" http://64.246.18.78/Funlinks/9.html ">Click</a> http://64.246.18.78/Funlinks/9.html Totally Wasted <a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/29.html ">Click</a> http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/29.html Love Sucks <a href=" http://www.myrddinsnet.com/jah/009.html ">Click</a> http://www.myrddinsnet.com/jah/009.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Tony man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. Tony says, "Just for fun, Mom, I'm going to bring over two other female friends in addition to my fianc�e, and you have to try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The next day, Tony brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Mom. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle." "That's amazing! You're right, how did you know?" His mother folds her arms across her chest and says, "I don't like her. ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Click here for a FREE HotMat mouse pad with FREE international delivery! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/7.html ">Click</a> ���------------------------STRANGE BREED!-------------------------��� If you like funny, wacky, and clean cartoons, then check out "Strange Breed". It's sure to make you and your whole family laugh." <a href="http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm";>Click</a> http://www2.hi.net/s4/strangebreed.htm ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� James takes Wendy to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had all of the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." Wendy turns to James and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him." They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." Wendy turns to James and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also." They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." Wendy's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one." James turns to Wendy and replies, "Go up and ask if it was 365 times with the same cow." ���--------------FROM THE BATHROOM WALL -------------��� My sex life is so bad ... that when I called one of those phone sex lines, a voice came on and said, "Not tonight. I have an earache." ���-------------------------QUIZ QUEEN------------------------------��� When did France lost control of Canada? A. In 1760 following a war with Britain B. In 1787 following a war with America C. Never, they still control Canada D. Never, because they never controlled any portion of Canada --- The Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines all fall under the Department of Defense? What department does the Coast Guard fall under? A. Department of Justice B. Department of Interior C. Department of Commerce D. Department of Transportation <Answers in Next Issue!> Last Issue's Answers: What is the primary language of most residents of Montreal? B. French --- What states and/or territories in the United States have the most and least number of registered boats? C. Michigan and American Samoa. � Copyright 2002 Dawggone Communications Website: http://quizqueen.net Subscribe: [EMAIL PROTECTED] ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� The poor voter... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.551 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.551 Just what it says. <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.552 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.552 ���---------------NON SMOKING SECTION-------------------------��� <To comply with recent internet law changes...Purehumour will now present a daily non-smoking section...this section is fully smoke-free...I do not smoke while creating it...and you are requested not to smoke while you read it! You co-operation is expected.> Sign over a gynecologist's office".....Dr. Jones, at your cervix." At a military hospital-door to endoscopy:...."To expedite your visit, please back in" On a Plumbers truck:....."We repair what your husband fixed." On the trucks of a local plumbing company:..... "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." Pizza Shop slogan:..."7 days without pizza makes one weak." At a tire shop in Milwaukee:....."Invite us to your next blowout." Door of a plastic surgeon's office:....."Hello. Can we pick your nose?" At a towing company:....."We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." On an electrician's truck:....."Let us remove your shorts." In a non-smoking area:....."If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." On a maternity room door:....."Push. Push. Push." At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." On a taxidermist's window:....."We really know our stuff." In a podiatrist's office:....."Time wounds all heels." On a fence:....."Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive." At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." Outside a muffler shop:....."No appointment necessary. We hear you coming." In a veterinarian's waiting room:....."Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" At the electric company:....."We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be." In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up." In the front yard of a funeral home:....."Drive carefully. We'll wait " At a propane filling station:....."Tank heaven for little grills." And don't forget the sign at a Chicago radiator shop: "Best place in town to take a leak for the day" <End of non-smoking section...please light your tobacco products once more> ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Do you love Purehumour? Enough to open your wallet a little? If you wish to donate to support the continue success of this ezine...please visit the link below...no amount is too small! <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/ph.html ���--------------------IT'S NOT PUNNY!------------------------------��� <A blast from the past!> There was this guy who had a girlfriend named Lorraine. She was very good looking and he liked her a lot. One day, however, he went to work and found that a new girl had begun work there. Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous! He became enamored of her and, after a while, it became obvious that she was interested with him as well. The guy was, however, loyal, and decided that he couldn't do anything with Clearly as long as he was going with Lorraine. He had, therefore, decided to break up with her. He planned several times to tell Lorraine, but just couldn't bring himself to do it. One day they went for a long walk along the riverbank where he planned to give her the word. Suddenly, Lorraine slipped, fell into the river, was carried away by the current and drowned. The guy stopped for a moment by the river, then ran smiling and singing: "I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone" ���------------------------TIMEKILLER-------------------------------��� Windows Hidden Options <a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/32.html ">Click</a> http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/32.html Booger Board <a href=" http://judysjokes.com/atoons/jj/06010202.html ">Click</a> http://judysjokes.com/atoons/jj/06010202.html Single Male Seeking <a href=" http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/27.html ">Click</a> http://www.aikenslaughs.com/1/27.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Two farmers at the feed store were discussing the local election for tax collector. One of the candidates was named Harkins, who was also the operator of the drawbridge over the local river. "You gonna vote for Harkins?" the first farmer asked. "No, I don't think so," the other replied. "Why not?" the first farmer asked. "Well, you remember that prize bull I used to have? One day I looked in the barn and there's that bull lying down actin' strange. So I asked the vet and he gave me some medicine, and he said it had to be put in the bull's rectum. "I took the medicine home but I couldn't find a funnel. So I seen this old army bugle hangin' on a nail in the barn and I used that. "Only problem was that before I could get that bugle out, my bull passed some gas and made a loud toot on that bugle. "Well sir, that scairt my bull somethin' awful and he busted out of the stall, made another toot, then busted through the fence and went runnin' down the road. "He went down the road, runnin' and tootin' towards the bridge that Harkins runs. That fool old man opened the bridge, and my bull ran across it, fell in the river and drowned. "Now," the farmer said, "Do you think I could vote for a man that's run that bridge for years but don't know the difference between a boat whistle and a bull blowin' a bugle out his ass? ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Website hosting at a price YOU can afford...great features... all the bells and whistles...get YOUR spotlight now: <a href="http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html";>Hosting</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/16.html ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service." The act of doing things for other people. Then I heard the terms Internal Revenue Service, Postal Service, Civil Service, Service Stations... And I became confused about the word "service. "This is not what I thought "service" meant. Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull service a few of his cows. SHAZAM!! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us... ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Fun at work... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.553 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.553 Being prepaired... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.554 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.554 ���-------------------------WEIRD NEWS---------------------------��� A dominatrix is offering free bondage sessions to students in return for them doing her housework. Lady Sian from Teesside usually beats and humiliates her clients for cash. But the 24-year-old said: "Because of their loans they haven't got much money. I just ask them to vacuum or do the washing up before they go." She told Ic Teesside website some businessmen pay her hundreds of dollars - one paid her $9000. She says clients get their kicks from being tied, beaten or just kissing her feet. One nearly got the whole of her foot in his mouth before she told him to stop. "I'm ticklish and I could barely stop myself from laughing," she said. She has just appeared on the Tyne Tees programme Bodytalk. Weird News is a daily feature of Purehumour...it contains a previously published News Report. If you find an article that you wish to see here..please send the article, name of the publication and date to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">News</a> IF you like Weird News...subscribe to my weekly ezine of Weird News Weekly: <a href=" http://lists.paulsfunhouse.com ">Lists</a> ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� A sergeant and two men from his platoon went to a tavern near the base one night. The sergeant asked an attractive army nurse to join him in a game of pool. The nurse said, "I would rather play with your privates." ���-------------------------QUICK WIT-------------------------------��� [||||] V A N A D I O S [||||] Former "One Day at a Time" tube thesp Valerie Bertinelli has ankled digs she shared with rocker hub Eddie Van Halen for 20 birthdays. (LA Times) When asked for a comment, Van Halen said "I married Valerie Bertinelli???" Copyright � 2002 by Bob Mills, all rights reserved. http://www.topica.com/lists/funnysideup ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� Osama Bin Laden is in his cave, alone, when his bodyguards hear a loud explosion inside his office. Rushing in, they see him on the floor, face bloodied. They ask, "What happened, Osama?" "A letter bomb," exclaimed the injured terrorist. "But a letter bomb would have wounded your hands, not your mouth," replied one of his experienced men. "I was sealing it," said Osama. ���--------------------ADVERTISEMENT---------------------------��� Software for the taking....FREE...trials and full versions... The Download Network is the perfect place to find all your software requirements: <a href=" http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/9.html ">Click</a> http://ads.paulsfunhouse.com/9.html ���--------------------------TOON TIME------------------------------��� Ask a stupid question... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.555 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.555 A gift... <a href=" http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.556 ">Click Here </a> http://www.Fun-lists.com/cgi-bin/g.cgi?386.13.556 ���--------------------------HUMOUR---------------------------------��� How to piss off Nasa! 10. Contact NASA by saying, "Whitney Houston, we have a problem!" 9. Spike the Tang with Folger's Crystals. 8. Paste a "Hyundai" logo on the main control panel. 7. Tape photo of Keith Richards to window and then tell crew ,"There's a hideous Martian outside the ship!" 6. Dump sewage tank over Iraq. 5. Fill someone's oxygen tank with Heinz' Homestyle Beef Gravy. 4. Ring doorbell on Space Station; quickly float away. 3. Hide the experimental bee hive in someone's space suit. 2. Sneak action figure from "Alien" movies aboard, then pretend it pops out of your stomach during dinner. 1. Egg the moon. ���---------------------------QUICKIE----------------------------------��� What is graffiti on the wall in the ladies room called? "Squatters' Writes" ���--------------------------EDITORIAL--------------------------------��� DisInfotainment Today! "Not Affiliated in Any Way!" ISSUE #11 BELIEVE IT OR ELSE Good Thing/Bad Thing Okay, let's get this straight. They didn't attack us because they don't like our freedom. Freedom's got nothing to do with it. Switzerland's free. Why didn't they attack Switzerland? Denmark's freer than we are, with legal prostitution, drugs, and euthanasia. Why didn't they attack Denmark? One reason only: foreign policy. Anyone want to defend our foreign policy? I didn't think so, which gives us the same dilemma. What if the terrorists had demanded higher MPG standards for SUVs? What if George W. Bush replied by standing tall and saying "We will not give in to terrorism. SUV standards will remain the same." Good thing? Bad thing? Welcome to the wonderful world of conflicted feelings. If (and that's a big if because they didn't leave a note) the terrorist attacks were an attack on U.S. foreign policy, then despite the fact I abhor their tactics, despite the fact I consider the hijackers the scum of the earth, despite my repulsion over Islamic fundamentalism, despite the pain I still feel over the loss of the WTCs, I'm on their side. Bin Laden and all his minion can get rectal cancer and die screaming in agony, but as far as the ideological debate over current U.S. foreign policy, I want them to win. I want the U.S to stop being the self-centered bully of the world, ruthlessly forcing the planet to bow before our consumer needs. The U.S. has turned the whole world into a game of Monopoly in which the game never starts over so the properties are never given back to the bank. No new player has got a chance of ever owning anything. 99% of the planet is just circling the board, paying rent, and picking up their $200 every time they pass GO. U.S foreign policy is an abomination. The central paradox of the war on terror is that the only way it will ever end is if the U.S alters it's foreign policy, but any alteration in foreign policy is seen as giving in to the terrorists, which we obviously can't do. Like the war on drugs and the war between Arabs and Jews, we've created another war that can't possible end until we're all dead. What's the way out of this hideous Catch-22? How can we change the way we do business without looking like we're giving into, and therefore encouraging, more terrorism? Right now, the U.S is responding to the attacks by reaffirming every aspect of our foreign policy that must have pissed the terrorists off in the first place. Let's take a quick peek at U.S. foreign policy in Uzbekistan. Here are some quotes from an article by Simon Churchyard which you can read at http://www.redpepper.org.uk/intarch/x-feb-uzbekistan.html. "It is ironic that one of the USA's most valuable allies in 'Operation Enduring Freedom' was Islam Karimov, who presides over Uzbekistan -- one of Asia's most entrenched dictatorships. Karimov allowed US forces to use Uzbek bases against its southern neighbor, Afghanistan. Washington rewarded this support with an historic joint US-Uzbek memorandum, signed on 30 November. Hailed by both sides as announcing a 'qualitatively new relationship,' it promises Uzbekistan significant military and economic backing. A likely legacy of the war will be the bolstering by the US of yet another corrupt and repressive regime that performs useful strategic services." "In the face of poverty and social decay, the autocratic government of former-Communist ruler Islam Karimov maintains power through a dense network of security agents and informers. Dissent is not tolerated, and most opponents have been jailed or driven into exile. This security complex is bankrolled by the country's main cash export, cotton. Harvested with the coerced labor of students and school children, this "white gold" is procured by the government at knock-down prices and sold internationally at a hefty profit." (The need for cotton would plummet if hemp were legalized, so our war on drugs is helping Uzbekistan too. One war washes the other. MD) Okay, simple question. Is our support of Karimov, who's clearly another Hussein, another Pinochet, another Suharto, going to get us more friends or more enemies? You don't have to answer. The U.S relationship with Uzbekistan is probably being used in recruitment posters for al-Qaeda as we speak. So that's our definition of "winning," refusing to deal with our faults, actually glorifying them, so we can declare that the terrorists have lost because they haven't changed us at all. Good thing? Bad thing? All depends on your definition of the word "loser." Dear Dr. Hollywood, Seems to me about 99 percent of the "entertainment reporting" I see could've been written by studio publicity departments. Why is there so little serious reporting on the entertainment industry? - Harold - Dear Harold, I don't know about you, but I'll never forget the first time I gave a film a bad review and the studio immediately called my paper to cancel $50,000 worth of advertising. No, I wasn't fired, but my editor DID point it out to me. Then there was the time I gave a film a good review and the studio immediately called my paper and bought $100,000 worth of advertising, making the advertising executive a hot $5,000, exactly 100 times the $50 I got for my review. Should I mention the time I gave a film a bad review and the studio refused to supply my paper with screening passes for the next six months? I didn't think so. Which is to say that advertising controls everything. Big magazines like Premiere and EW are pretty much just extensions of the studio publicity departments. Don't even THINK of pitching them a cutting edge story about corruption at a major studio. Sure, there are critics and journalists with integrity who actually write what they think, but they need strong editors to protect them from the advertising department. Smaller publications scrambling to survive invariably follow the cash. Newspapers can afford to occasionally alienate a studio because they're more dependant upon department and grocery store advertising than anything else. Ever read anything negative about Robinsons or Ralphs in the L.A. Times? Not likely. Studio publicists have long memories. If a magazine or newspaper promises one of their clients a cover story in exchange for an interview and then gives the cover to someone else, that outlet will find themselves without a single interview the next time there's a blockbuster from the same studio they want to cover. Send your questions to "Ask Dr. Hollywood" at [EMAIL PROTECTED] WHO'S GOING TO HELL THIS WEEK? July 15, 2002 As ex-executive chief in charge of operations for the burning flames of hellfire, Helen's access to eternal contracts is legendary. Who are her sources? Wouldn't you like to know? Sorry, all communications are confidential and the property of Helen A. Handbasket, whose opinions do not necessarily reflect those of this or any other publication. 10. Why did they cryogenically freeze Ted Williams? How else could John Walker Lindh get away with pleading guilty and facing a maximum 20 year sentence? 9. Four Islamic militants were convicted in the kidnapping and murder of Wall Street Journal reporter Daniel Pearl but NBC still won't cancel "Friends." Satan's pissed. David Schwimmer watch out. 8. Satan says "Engage in illegal stock trading." Satan says "Let your company go belly up but keep a fortune for yourself." "Take the fifth." Unh-unh, Satan didn't say. 7. Harvey L. Pitt, the chairman of the Securities and Exchange Commission, said today that he would not resign despite numerous pokes in the buttocks from lawmakers with pitchforks who say he has been lax in enforcing commission rules and shares responsibility for the nation's corporate accounting scandals. Obviously vying for a position in Satan's administration. 6. Now they're saying that Michael Jackson's 9/11 charity single "What More Can I Give?" was never released because producer F. Marc Schaffel used to make gay porn films. Gimme a break. If that's true, then why won't they cancel "Friends?" Besides, Satan's heard it and he tells me it's crap. 5. Phil Donahue returns to TV on MSNBC this week, but what's he been doing for the past decade or two? Let's just say he'll be sharing a cell on the 3rd level of hell with F. Marc Schaffel. 4. Judge Emmet G. Sullivan is a bad boy. The Bush Justice Department was just trying to prevent any inquiry into the operations of Cheney's Energy Task Force and he wouldn't let them. Now thousands of documents are going to be released and somebody's going to have to read them, probably Satan's minions, who are all dyslexic. 3. "Oooh, I hear George Michael's new video shows him romping in bed with Tony Blair wearing nothing but a leopardskin thong," exclaimed Adolf Hitler from the 2nd level of hell. "I can't wait to see it." 2. Palm Beach, Florida, held a mock election this week to test it's new voting machines. Seymour Mock beat out both Bush and Gore. And the number one person going to hell this week? 1. Jamie Lee Curtis just so there won't be a sequel to Halloween Resurrection. Personal to Mona: How's that? Personal to Carl: Are you dead? ARITHMETIC FROM HELL $133 million for Men in Black II divided by 439 points the Dow was down times 95% of Americans who want answers from Dick Cheney regarding Halliburton accounting plus $13 billion in revenue generated by Halliburton last year times 15 dead Saudi schoolgirls equals $60 billion Pfizer Inc. is paying for Pharmacia Corp. plus 3 million teens contemplating suicide divided by 4,305 teenage drivers in America saved by seatbelts in the past 5 years. GOSSIP FROM HELL? NOT EXACTLY Early politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs and bars to "go sip some ale" and report back on people's political concerns. The two words "go sip" were eventually combined when referring to local opinions and thus, we have the term - "gossip." - Thanks to Phil Proctor - LABEL FROM HELL "Not to be used for the other use." - warning on a Japanese food processor - HISTORY LESSONS FROM HELL Dick Cheney was one of only two US Congress members who voted against a resolution calling for the release of Nelson Mandela from prison. "Throughout the world, on any given day, a man, woman or child is likely to be displaced, tortured, killed or 'disappeared,' at the hands of governments or armed political groups. More often than not, the United States shares the blame," said Amnesty International in 1996. If you ever wondered where the terrorists learn their moves - just glance through Uncle Sam's war history. In fact the modus operandi that terrorist employ or we fear they might employ today are just reflections of U.S. "war crimes" in other nations. QUOTES FROM HELL "Taking account of the unconsciousness of the tactic employ (no legal assistance, no phone, no information, 24 h light and surveillance.) I expect anything from the US government. Lee Harvey Oswald end is a distinct possibility. Alexandria jail is constantly having new Deputy, it will be easy to claim that a distraught Sept 11 family member gain employment and shoot me. Or they might claim that I committed suicide after all they already have done the ground work by claim that I was mentally unstable, paranoid." - Zacarias Moussaoui, the so-called 20th hijacker, in his latest Federal Court Motion - "The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed, and hence clamorous to be led to safety, by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary." - H.L. Mencken - "Maybe there's just one revolution, the good guys versus the bad guys. The question is - Who are the good guys?" - Dolworth (Burt Lancaster) in The Professionals - "Just one mistake by a biotech company and we'll be eating other people's prescription drugs in our corn flakes." - Larry Bohlen, Director of Health and Environment Programs at Friends of the Earth - "Did it ever occur to you that wherever you are, an instantaneous no-fly zone is created? I didn't think so, but let me clue you in on something. Firefighters risk their lives fighting wildfires. One of the strategic methods employed to guard THEIR safety is flyovers. These flyovers provide valuable information to these people: such as, whether a wildfire is doubling back on them and cutting off their only means of escape!! Can we say, "DUH?!" So your solution is to keep them from fighting the wildfire while you're here on official business? Thanks, but no thanks. Our firefighters nearly lost what little containment they had the day you visited." - Letter to Bush from a firefighter in Arizona - "We need to throw America's best minds and most dollars into research into wind, solar, fuel cell, geothermal and other alternatives to gas and oil as sources of our energy. We need to consult with our French allies on how they have been able to harness nuclear power so safely. "We need to curb gas-guzzling, polluting vehicles. We need to consult with our Japanese allies who are leading the world in developing alternative fuels for vehicles. "We need to step up Superfund cleanups and standards for water safety. We need to assure that future power plants do not pollute our atmosphere and that existing ones are cleaner. Let us point to this decade as among the most progressive and life-saving in man's history." - What Bush Could Have Said: from an editorial at delawareonline - "Until we accept the fact that life itself is founded in mystery, we shall learn nothing." - Henry Miller - "Life is a mystery to be lived, not a problem to be solved." - Soren Kierkegaard - "Life is a mystery, not a problem, and the difference is vast. The problem has to be solved, can be solved, must be solved, but the mystery is insoluble; it has to be lived, experienced. Encountering a mystery, you have to dissolve in it." - Osho - "Tyranny, like Hell, is not easily conquered." - Thomas Paine - JOKE FROM HELL One cold, but sunny winter morning, George W. Bush is out jogging in the park. He is running past a big pile of snow, when he notices something strange. In the snow, "George W. Bush is an idiot" is written in urine. Furious, he hurries back to the Oval Office, and contacts his Chief of Security, asking him to solve the mystery. A few days later, George's Chief of Security returns. He tells George that their scientists have concluded their testing on the matter, and that there is good and bad news. "Well, give me the good news first," George says. "The good news is that it was Osama bin Laden's urine." "That's the GOOD news?" the President shouts. "What's the bad news then?" "It was Dick Cheney's handwriting," the chief says. LEGISLATION FROM HELL An anti-fraud bill passed by the Senate on Wednesday is an attempt to protect - rather than punish - the corporate criminals responsible for the recent rash of Wall Street scandals. In a misguided attempt to stop teenage drug use, S. 2633 and HR 3782 are two bills that make private property owners, concert promoters, or anyone holding an "entertainment event" criminally liable for any drugs used or sold during the event. -- [EMAIL PROTECTED] http://www.geocities.com/disinfotainment/. Your article length submissions are welcome...send your humourous submissions of between 300 and 500 words to: <a href=" mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] ">Editorials</a> Editorial comments expressed here are copyright the writer and may not be reproduced in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the writer and also the editor of Purehumour. ���----------------------------XXX SITES TO VISIT---------------------------��� The following are XXX sites...if you click them...you will see material that could offend you...pure and simple! If you don't wish to see such material...then DON'T click them! This is your only warning! 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