Great post! You’ve hit the nail on the head, we are strong. That’s not to say that it’s not OK to want to be held and loved for ourselves and recognize that we sometimes feel overwhelmed. For most of us it is a continuing battle to be functional and feel worthwhile rather than just give up and feel sorry for ourselves. Everyone on here gives hope to others when they are feeling low. This is a great group and I appreciate them everyday. Joan
From: Joe Olson [mailto:[email protected]] Sent: Sunday, November 09, 2014 4:08 PM To: [email protected] Cc: [email protected]; [email protected] Subject: Re: [QUAD-L] Re: Monkey shines I think Monkey Shines was relatively benign compared to Million Dollar Baby. When people who have not had a spinal cord are presented with a vision of despair, they feel it's the physical situation not the social, monetary issues and lack of support. Somehow just because we are in wheelchairs suicide is a valid response to adversity? I've thought of suicide, I don't think these feelings are anything to do with disability but a natural response to fatigue and the temptation of the unknown. I know that all it would take is a roll off the edge of the pier but I can sit on it and read my book without giving into the waves siren song. I feel most able bodied people don't really understand what it means to be disabled. They see us and usually say "their life is so difficult, I could never live like that". And you know what? they have no Fuckin clue what they would be like if they were disabled. They may turn out to be super quads or slide into despair or be somewhere inbetween. Or depending on what day, any of those things. The difference between us and them is that we have been tested and we know. 95% or more of the time everything is just normal. Its not about our wheelchairs, legbags etc. Its about our relationships with our friends and family, its getting up going to work and repeat, its the search for acknowledgment, respect and human connection. They see us in our wheelchairs as a symbol of constant pain and loss not that we are just people. On the other hand, we know pain, like when our cath is plugged and our heart rate soars, our sheets are soaked in urine and sweat but our chills are ignored as the headaches increase to the point we feel were going to have an anuerism and we fall asleep somehow not knowing what the morning will bring. We know the shame of shitting our pants in public and needing to excuse ourselves while people exclaim to eachother "whats that smell" and "it smells like shit in here" and we still need to ride the bus back for an hour before waiting another 2hrs for an aide to show up. We know what it's like as a grown adult to have our mothers have to stick their finger up our ass or straight cath us. We know the inevitable feeling of helplessness as a pressure sore we have no clue how we acquired continues to worsen. We know a bed is prison and a chair is freedom. We have awoken in the middle of the night suffocating in our own phlem unable to cough or call for help and how to fight the panic as we start to feel "fuzzy". We know that our fear of an unreliable aide not showing up isn't paranoia but self preservation. We know that we are not invincible. Able bodied people like to say ridiculous things like "God only gives you what you can handle". The truth is the ones who cant handle it are not here anymore. We are like combat veterans who never take off their uniforms. Our "battle" stories are not the glorious stuff of legend but of base animal survival that cant be understood- only pitied by those who haven't experienced it. We have been tested and we are those who have what it takes. We are the strong. I have to admit, I loved "Monkey Shines" the old school assistve tech was amazing. . Million Dollar Baby scared the shit out of me. SCI changed me, made me a different person. Pre injury I would not have been able to make a valid decision about the enjoyment and worth my life has had. From the bleak picture Clint portrayed, I could imagine millions of people signing advanced directives killing off our future comrades. In effect making a decision about the worth of another person's- a hypothetical future self's- life. Sorry for the rant, Joe On Sat, Nov 8, 2014 at 11:03 PM, <[email protected]> wrote: every quad is different. if you were in enough pain perhaps you would understand it. i'm usually hurting in the morning, haven't had the chance to over use my body. 35 post injury and I have a wife and 3 kids life sucks some times. Taking pills and booze does not change that. If 6 out of 10 quads try to kill themselves then it is what it is. I am a C5/6 quad and I have pain because of over use etc and I don't understand the massive use of pain meds. -----Original Message----- From: Brian P Swift <[email protected]> To: diannal767 <[email protected]> Sent: Thu, Nov 6, 2014 1:26 pm Subject: Re: [QUAD-L] Re: Monkey shines 35 post injury and I have a wife and 3 kids life sucks some times. Taking pills and booze does not change that. If 6 out of 10 quads try to kill themselves then it is what it is. I am a C5/6 quad and I have pain because of over use etc and I don't understand the massive use of pain meds. Brian P. Swift brianpswift.com https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100006859653620 -----Original Message----- From: diannal767 <[email protected]> To: r.pracht <[email protected]>; quad-list <[email protected]> Sent: Thu, Nov 6, 2014 11:50 am Subject: Re: [QUAD-L] Re: Monkey shines i agree with you ron. i thought about it alot in the 1st year. my grand daughter, that i speak of often, keeps me going. she brightens my world immensely. she's 11. she lives in the same small neighborhood as i. she is very, considerate and considers others feelings most of the time. cool personality. she came home monday crying because her best friend (a diabetic) had to go to the hospital. i asked if she was okay and yes she was but isabella was pissed because the friend wasn't compliant with her medicine. i know i'm way off topic and rambling but my point is, she gives me reason to live. a feeling that someone needs me to talk to and often tells me things swearing me to secrecy. she does however remind me that i'm stuck in this chair. we listen to music on you tube, she dances & i wish soo much i could dance, ride bikes, etc. before she was born, i kept going and was happiest when i was on prozac and beer....just being honest here. dianna > I'm in the process of watching Monkey Shines right now (Wed 2:47 pm). The doc > just said 6 out of ten quads attempt suicide. He didn't say how many were > successful. What do you guys think about that number? I've thought about it > many times but never actually attempted. Thoughts of my family always pull me > out of it. If I were absolutely alone and in a nursing home, might be a > different story. Or maybe not. I dunno. -----Original Message----- From: RONALD L PRACHT <[email protected]> To: quad-list <[email protected]> Sent: Wed, Nov 5, 2014 8:55 pm Subject: [QUAD-L] Re: Monkey shines after my last surgery I went back to my swimming and lifting as soon as possible. Upon returning my coach told me "you are a fucked up quad Ron". I said "no Steve the fucked up quads are at home and never go out" Ron On Wednesday, November 5, 2014 7:45 PM, Larry Willis <[email protected]> wrote: Well said, Ron. I think you expressed the feelings of many of us. On Wednesday, November 5, 2014, RONALD L PRACHT <[email protected]> wrote: I have thought about suicide many times. Its not really to do with being a quad in itself.............its the pain, hurt, being shunned, what could have beens, people throwing the blame on you, watching other people live full lives while you struggle to hold your own or make small gains. The times where I have been happy I was doing things, going places with girlfriends, doing my swimming..........then things were good and life was worth it. Its a very slippery slope as a quad if you have little support. Im sure someone on here will tell how life is better now as a quad and they make more money now and women just knock the door down to sleep with them. Its really about your support system and some about self motivation. I have seen people on both ends of the spectrum and everywhere in between. enjoy the ride while you can. ron On Wednesday, November 5, 2014 2:09 PM, Gmail <[email protected]> wrote: I already know exactly how I am going to carry it out when my pain gets bad enough. Bobbie Smile Everyday > On Nov 5, 2014, at 2:55 PM, Larry Willis <[email protected]> wrote: > > I'm in the process of watching Monkey Shines right now (Wed 2:47 pm). The doc > just said 6 out of ten quads attempt suicide. He didn't say how many were > successful. What do you guys think about that number? I've thought about it > many times but never actually attempted. Thoughts of my family always pull me > out of it. If I were absolutely alone and in a nursing home, might be a > different story. Or maybe not. I dunno.
