By JAKE SLOCUM <mailto:jslo...@syfyportal.com> Source: SyFy Portal <http://www.syfyportal.com> Jan-12-2009 <javascript:void(0)> ShareThis
We, as a fanbase (as in fans of science-fiction), enjoy our movies well-made and crap free. But through the years, one channel has consistently slapped us in the face with drivel made on a shoestring budget with actors you've never heard of. Sci-fi, like horror, is a genre that does allow some leeway in the quality of the films -- some of the lowest budget films become cult classics -- but then again, some of them get bankrolled by the SciFi Channel. So what I want to look is the worst of the worst, the movies so terrible that repeated viewings, or even one viewing for that matter, is enough to cause internal bleeding, among other things. So welcome to the SyFy 6, a place for you to relax and realize that I am unequivocally right ... every time. 6. "Aztec Rex" -- A great top of the list, this movie's plot is dumber than most fan-fiction you'll find on the Internet any day. "A group of conquistadors, led by Hernando Cortes, comes upon a tribe of Aztecs who worship two living Tyrannosaurus Rex." Bear with me here because it just gets worse. If you find the video on YouTube, it clearly shows this movie was filmed by someone who either genuinely hates you and your family, or has nothing left to live for. And no, I don't mean your father. Either way, I will give this movie one thing: its TV commercial. It wins an award for best line ever: "They came for a new world, but they found a lost world!" Every time I see that TV spot, I decide to watch this movie. But then I remember the six months I spent in a burn ward after the first time I saw it. 5. "Boa Vs. Python" -- So let's sum this all up. Two snakes, one winner. In the fight no one ever cared to see, an 80-foot python is released on an unsuspecting group of scientists and other random people, and the only way to quell this evil is to have an 80-foot boa constrictor let loose to fight it. I like to call this the "Godzilla theory," where for every one giant mutated animal, there is at least one giant mutated animal that will fight against the first giant mutated animal, leading to a conclusion so mind-bogglingly stupid that it, well, boggles the mind. Spoiler warning! For those of you who haven't seen this and actually want to (Why?) ... the python gets in the subway system and starts wreaking havoc. Then the boa comes up in and gets into a fight with it -- which in my opinion, seeing snakes fight is the least interesting thing ever. Anyway, the boa somehow jumps out of the way, and the python is killed by a speeding subway train, leaving everyone wondering why they decided to watch this awful movie in the first place. 4. "Chupacabra: Dark Seas" -- Later released as "Chupacabra Terror," this little diamond in the rough was released in 2005, making it officailly the worst 88 minutes of 2005. The plot runs like this: A scientist catches a chupacabra on a remote Caribbean island. Wait, wait, wait ... if we are to believe that the chupacabra exists, then we kind of have to accept that the chupacabra is mainly sighted in Mexico, and that any cryptozoologist will tell you that the chupacabra is a Mexico native. So, barring a speed boat or a lot of swimming, I severely doubt that a chupacrabra would be in the Caribbean, but I digress. So they decide to ship the chupacabra back to the Americas. But in transit, the chupacabra escapes, and proceeds to kill a group of Navy Seals sent to investigate. Wait, wait, wait again ... Navy Seals are trained in infiltration and other modes of search and destroy, but yet they can't manage to off something that subsists off goats? "Chupacabra" in Spanish means "goat sucker," not "invincible killing machine that can take on trained Navy operatives without flinching." I see so much wrong with this movie: It has horrible plot holes and the camera work is reminiscent of strapping a camera to the back of a hyperactive child and telling him that you've hidden cake somewhere on the boat. 3. "Ice Spiders" -- Let's analyze this one fully, shall we? This is taken from the almighty Wikipedia <http://wikipedia.org> : "A group of young Olympic skiers go to train with a retired professional skier at a ski resort in West Virginia." So far so good ... Olympic skiers, training, in West Virginia, the westernmost of the Virginias. "Genetically tinkered, and cellular grafted spiders escape from a nearby laboratory and begin killing and eating the humans at the resort." Oh, that's not good. "The skiers and the resort workers must try to escape the spiders while waiting for officials from the lab to attempt to capture the spiders." How big are these spiders? Could you catch them with a jar? "There are multiple scenarios, including spiders terrorizing the young skiers in an abandoned school bus." Why is there an abandoned school bus in the mountains of West Virginia? "Critical reception has been extremely poor, and the movie had poor sales." I really can't see why ... 2. Mansquito -- All right, do you remember the plot to the movie "The Fly"? Get the idea of that plot in your head. Now, slam your head into a wall for about six to 20 hours, then shamble over to your desk, the blood pouring from the open would where your forehead used to be, and type up the screenplay for "Mansquito." That is exactly the process Ray Cannella used while writing this very script. I would explain the plot, but really in all seriousness, the only thing making this movie different from "The Fly" is the lack of Jeff Goldblum, and I love Jeff Goldblum. Skip it, or rent it. Or better yet, rent "The Fly." Hell, you'd be better off just watching a fly. 1. Wraiths of Roanoke -- Based on the alleged disappearance of the Roanoke Colony in Virginia, "Wraiths of Roanoke" tells the story of a woman living in the colony experiencing odd dreams about the brutal massacre of Vikings on the island. Whenever he decides to go to someone about these dreams, the colony is attacked by, you guessed it, Viking ghosts. She consults the local Indian chief (because, as we all know, every colony had the kindly old Indian chief who ran the corner drug store) to figure out how to send the wraiths to hell. Wait, once again, why do these wraiths need to be sent to hell? They were murdered! They weren't the murderers! They were innocent people who were massacred in cold blood! Does being killed automatically get you sentenced to hell? That's ridiculous! After watching these movies, I have a new appreciation for other low-budget films. I also have lost my eyesight and my ability to think rationally. Well, kids, that's about it for me now. Come back next time when I look at the classic sci-fi television series canceled before their time (you know, "Firefly.") Come back soon after that, and we'll all sit down and talk about the most uninspired series/season finales in the hstiory of sci-fi. Or I'll write about something completely different. Who knows? Jake Slocum is a writer living in Oklahoma trying to figure out how to build a time machine, and breaking many blenders in the process. He can be reached at jslo...@syfyportal.com <mailto:> . http://syfyportal.com/news425724.html
