"The Love Guru" should've been on this list twice. "If all the world's a stage and all the people merely players, who in bloody hell hired the director?" -- Charles L Grant
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fQUxw9aUVik To: scifinoir2@yahoogroups.com From: keithbjohn...@comcast.net Date: Thu, 10 Sep 2009 03:52:01 +0000 Subject: [scifinoir2] Roger Ebert's Pick of Bad Movies Wow, Ebert already put Sandra Bullock's movie on his worst of the worst list? Funny: he put both Transformers and G.I. Joe on his list. I must say, I haven't seen many of these flicks, and hadn't planned to see most of them. Although, many would argue that Transformers, Death Race, G.I. Joe, Night at the Museum, etc., are all mindless fun, if not high art.... http://blogs.suntimes.com/ebert/your-movie-sucks.html Gathered here in one convenient place are my recent reviews that awarded films Zero Stars, One-half Star, One Star, and One-and-a-half Stars. These are, generally speaking to be avoided. Sometimes I hear from readers who confess they are in the mood to watch a really bad movie. If you're sincere, be sure to know what you're getting: A really bad movie. Sandra Bullock in "All About Steve" Movies that are "so bad they're good" should generally get Two Stars. And Pauline Kael once wrote, "The movies are so rarely great art that if we cannot appreciate great trash, we shouldn't go at all." Great trash should ideally get 2.5 stars or even higher. Many of these reviews were written in the carefree spirit of those in my books Your Movie Sucks and I Hated, Hated, Hated This Movie. Cheap shots and snark are permitted. The phrase came about in an interesting way. When Patrick Goldstein of the Los Angeles Times was critical of Rob Schnieder's "Deuce Bigelow, European Gigolo," Schneider took out a full-page ads in the paper informing Goldstein was not qualified to review it--what prizes had he won? In my review, I wrote: "As chance would have it, I have won the Pulitzer Prize, and so I am qualified. Speaking in my official capacity as a Pulitzer Prize winner, Mr. Schneider, your movie sucks." Set and match. All About Steve. (PG-13, 87 minutes ) Sandra Bullock plays Mary Horowitz, a crossword puzzle constructor who on a blind date falls insanely in love with Steve, a TV news cameraman (Bradley Cooper, from "The Hangover"). The operative word is "insanely." The movie is billed as a comedy but more resembles a perplexing public display of irrational behavior. Seeing her run around as a basket case makes you appreciate Lucille Ball, who could play a dizzy dame and make you like her. One and a half stars. View the trailer. "The Mark Pease Experience" . (Pg-13, 84 minutes). A cheerless, almost sullen experience, badly written and inertly directed, with actors who don't have a clue what drives their characters. The actors scarcely seem to be in the same scenes together. Involves a high school drama coach (Ben Stiller), his troubled former student (Jason Schwartzman), and the girl they both pursue (Anna Kendrick). Contains no chemistry at all. None. One star. No trailer found online. "X Games 3-D". (PG, 92). A documentary about the extreme sports of skateboarding, motorcycle jumping and motocross, which a sports film strangely doesn't share the point scores with us and often doesn't show the same stunt in one unbroken shot. Yes, these athletes are awesomely skilled. Also masochists who play with broken bones because they want go "take the sport to a new level." Lots of falls that look like they really hurt. One and a half stars. View the trailer. "G. I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra" . (PG-13) An 118-minute largely animated film with sequences involving the faces and other body parts of human beings. It is sure to be enjoyed by those whose movie appreciation is defined by the ability to discern that moving pictures and sound are being employed to depict violence. Nevertheless, it is better than "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen." One and a half stars. View the trailer. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. (PG-13, 149 minutes). A horrible experience of unbearable length, briefly punctuated by three or four amusing moments. One of these involves a dog-like robot humping the leg of the heroine. Such are the meagre joys. If you want to save yourself the ticket price, go into the kitchen, cue up a male choir singing the music of hell, and get a kid to start banging pots and pans together. Then close your eyes and use your imagination. One star. View the trailer. I Hate Valentine's Day. (PG-13, 98 minutes). Geneveive (Nia Vardalos) has an unbreakable policy regarding men: Five dates, and she's out the door. She likes only the falling-in-love part of an affair, and not the inevitable breaking up. Genevieve is a woman beloved by all who encounter her, when in life I would be terrified of her. But not John Corbett, also her co-star in "My Big Fat Greek wedding," who agrees to the terms, in a painfully klutzy comedy that adores a character who, in my opinion, is stark staring mad. Written and directed by Vardalos. One and a half stars. View the trailer. Fast and Furious. (PG-13, 107 minutes). Exactly and precisely what you'd expect. Nothing more, unfortunately. You get your cars that are fast and your characters that are furious. The fourth in the series, with Vin Diesel, Paul Walker and the other major cast members from the original 2001 movie now back again. Who cares? Rating: One and a half stars. View the trailer. Year One. (PG-13, 97 minutes). Jack Black and Michel Cera playing themselves, as tribal hunter-gatherers who advance all the way to royal security guards. Black acts too much, Cera seems baffled, crowds mill about like outtakes from "Monty Python's Holy Grail." Dreary and cheerless slapshtick. One star per year. View the trailer. Fanboys. (PG-13, 90 minutes). A carload of "Star Wars" fans make a cross-country odyssey in hopes of breaking into Skywalker Ranch, and stealing a print of "Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace" so they can see it before anyone else. Along the way they encounter many "Star Wars" and "Star Trek" stars in cameo roles, compete in trivia Q&As, and are rather admired by the movie, which might have been better if it had poked a little fun at them. Rating: One and a half stars. View the trailer.. My Life in Ruins. (PG-13, 95 minutes). Nia Vardalos stars as an American tour guide in Greece who lectures to busloads of tourists who are walking clichés. Vardalos has misplaced the infectious charm in "My Big Fat Greek Wedding," and literally smiles widely almost entirely through the movie. She has a romance that seems directly from a trashy romance novel. Also with Richard Dreyfuss. One and a half stars. View the trailer. Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian. I don't mind a good dumb action movie. I was the one who liked "The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor."this film is such a product. Like ectoplasm from a medium, it is the visible extrusion of a marketing campaign. It made me squirm. Its premise is lame, its plot relentlessly predictable, its characters with personalities that would distinguish picture books, its cost $150 million. I found myself yet once again echoing the frequent cry of Gene Siskel: Why not just give us a documentary of the same actors having lunch? One and a half stars. View the trailer. The Limits of Control. (R, 116 minutes). Isaach De Bankole stars as a nameless man who visits several cafes in Spain, always specifies the same order, is visited by someone, repeats the same words, undertakes the same actions. Maintains a blank expression. Intriguing elements of a plot lurk in the shadows, never stepping forward. An exercise in style, draining from the viewer such energy that the visitor sinks slowly in ennui. Too cool for the room. Written and directed by Jim Jarmusch. One and a half stars. View the trailer. Baghead. (R, 94 minutes). Four would-be filmmakers hole up in a cabin in the woods to collaborate on a screenplay about four such people being attacked by a guy with a bag on his head, and then, of course, a baghead shows up. Uh, huh. Written and directed by Mark and Jay Duplass. One and a half stars. View the trailer.. Death Race. (R, 105 minutes). Hitchcock said a movie should play the audience like a piano. "Death Race" played me like a drum. It is an assault on all the senses, including common. Walking out, I had the impression I had just seen the video game, and was still waiting for the movie. Mostly involves ceaseless battles between armored cars which use machine guns, rocket launchers, etc., and explode with alarming regularity. With Jason Statham, Joan Allen (!), Tyrese Gibson and Ian McShane. Rating: One-half star. View the trailer. View the trailer.. "The Spirit" . (PG-13, 102 minutes). Mannered to the point of madness, without a trace of human emotion. The Spirit (Gabriel Macht) and The Octopus (Samuel L. Jackson) are doomed to skewer each other in a series of gruesome combats in which neither one can die, which means we are doomed to watch them. With Eve Mendes, Samuel L. Jackson and Scarlett Johnsson. View the trailer. Tru Loved. (R, 104 minutes). Desperately earnest coming-out story, on about the same level as a not especially good high school play. Student directors could learn from it. I'm sure its heart is in the right place, but it fails at fundamentals we take for granted when we go to the movies. By lacking them, it illustrates what the minimum requirements are for a competent film. Yes, you can clearly see and hear them, especially when they're missing. My infamous review of the first eight minutes, followed by the remaining 96. One star. View the trailer.. Star Wars: The Clone Wars . (PG-13, 98 minutes). A deadening film that cuts corners on its animation and slumbers through a plot that (a) makes us feel like we've seen it all before, and (b) makes us wish we hadn't. The characters have hair that looks molded from playdough, bodies that seem arthritic, and moving lips on half-frozen faces--all signs that short cuts were taken in the animation work. Rating: One and a half stars. View the trailer. View the trailer.. Hell Ride. (R, 83 minutes). War between two bike gangs hard to tell apart, in a dismal train wreck of a movie. Most of the bikers seem near three-wheeler age. It's time for these guys to get a life. With Michael Madsen, Dennis Hopper, David Carradine. Written and directed by and starring Larry Bishop. Rating: One star. View the trailer.. Step Brothers. (R, 93 minutes). Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly play 40ish sons who still live at home, eating melted cheese nachos and watching TV. When their parents (Mary Steenburgen and Richard Jenkins) get married, they become step brothers and have to share the same room. This leads to violence and language so extreme, it seems out of proportion to any comic purpose. I felt a little unclean. Rating: One and a half stars. View the trailer. View the trailer.. The Love Guru. (PG-13, 87 minutes). What is it with Mike Myers and penis jokes? Having created a classic funny scene with his not-quite-visible penis sketch in the first Austin Powers movie, he now assembles, in "The Love Guru," as many more penis jokes as he can think of, none of them funny except for one based on an off-screen "thump." He supplements this subject with countless other awful moments involving defecation and the deafening passing of gas. Oh, and elephant sex. Co-starring Jessica Alba, Justin Timberlake and Ben Kingsley. Rating: one star. View the trailer. View the trailer.. Bucket List. (PG-13, 97 minutes). Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman play geezers who Meet Cute in a hospital room, where they're both given a year to live. Freeman keeps a list of things he means to do before kicking the bucket, and Nicholson, a billionaire, gleefully insists they use his private jet to circle the globe, see the pyramids, the Himalayas, the Taj Mahal, etc. (none of which are on Freeman's list). The premise is absurd, and the execution is painful. Rating: One star. View the trailer. _________________________________________________________________ Get back to school stuff for them and cashback for you. http://www.bing.com/cashback?form=MSHYCB&publ=WLHMTAG&crea=TEXT_MSHYCB_BackToSchool_Cashback_BTSCashback_1x1
