Genius. Pure Genius.
I tip my hat to you, sir, and whilst doing so pick up my doll
Bogart Salzberg wrote:
I put some of our recent posts on the certification issue into a
blender and this is what came out. Some of you will recognize your
own words. However, it's supposed to be fun, so trust me: good will
is intended.
CERTIFIABLE
a play in one act
by Bogart Salzberg
dedicated to The Perl Mongers of Boston, Massachusetts and environs
starring...
Joe Hex-Pack, programmer
HEROES
The Mighty Japh and his sidekick Noob
VILLAINS
Professor Proof, a.k.a. the Demonstrable in the Closet, and his
sidekick LeRoi
and SURPRISE GUESTS
[In the deepest dark of night, the people of Programopolis bury their
dreaming heads. Captains of industry snore and cough. A thousand
pointy-haired bosses roll over in unison. In a modest home, in a room
full of cables, musky T-shirts and half-eaten burritos, unemployed
programmer Joe Hex-Pack tosses and turns in his bed.]
JOE [mumbling in his sleep]: Therefore, Perl would be a fine choice.
That said, I believe the perpetual motion machine and unified field
theory indicate my ability and I would certainly look forward to --
[agitated] What? Certified? No. Perl doesn't certify. [upset] You
can't? Why not? What rules?
[Joe whines incoherently. The closet door creaks open. Professor
Proof, in hooded velvet gown with golden yellow trim and mortarboard
cap, prances out slowly with LeRoi in tow.]
PROOF [softly]: Joe... Joe, my friend... Relax. I can help you.
[Joe stirs slightly, sighs and curls up.]
PROOF [like Joe's mother, but on valium]: You need a job, Joe. You're
getting a bit rusty, you know.
JOE [sleeping]: Uhhnng? Keep trying. Why? Why nothing? Try else. Must
use warnings.
PROOF: Yes, Joe, heed my warnings. You must prepare yourself.
Knowledge is our breath and blood. The frailty of ignorance haunts
you Joe. [insistently] Study, Joe. Be a man. Prove yourself.
JOE: Uhhrrn? Perl I know. Ten-thousand lines by noon. Swat flies,
eyes closed. Study? Never used study().
PROOF: Diligence, Joe. Discipline. Do you know what separates the
newbies from the masters, Joe? [closing in] The masters know
*everything*, and they have this to prove it.
[From his gown, Professor Proof removes a sheepskin parchment adorned
with a golden seal. Above Joe's delicately rendered name the word
'TIOOWTDI' is printed in massive monospaced letters.]
JOE [still half-asleep but squinting at the certificate]: Uhhllm?
What's that?
PROOF [savoring the moment]: This, Joe, is irrefutable *proof* that
you are a master of Perl.
JOE [perking up a bit]: I am?
PROOF: No. Not yet, Joe. For this certificate [shaking it] is also
proof of graduation from the most rigorous Perl training in the
history of the universe. It means [pausing for emphasis] you're one
of us.
JOE [enraptured]: One of us! One of us... [deeply grateful] Thank you.
PROOF: Yes, Joe. It is my pleasure and honor to inform you of your
exceptional eligibility for our certificate program. If you take
advantage of our special incentives, enrollment in our next class can
be assured for only five-thousand dollars.
JOE [wrestling with himself]: Five-thousand dollars? I don't have
five-thousand dollars.
PROOF [embarrassed for both them]: Ah, Joe. My dear friend. This is
*business*. This is an *investment* in your future. Take out a loan.
Try a credit card. You do own this home, correct?
JOE: Yeah, but...
PROOF [interrupting]: LeRoi!
[LeRoi, who had been mostly concealed behind the Demonstrable's black
gown, steps forward. He is dressed in black pants, black-and-white
striped shirt and a jaunty red beret.]
PROOF: LeRoi, please enumerate for our dear friend the exclusive and
readily calculable advantages of our certificate.
LEROI [through a thick haze of cigarette smoke, with the French
accent of John Cleese]: Ah oui, monsieur, I would be most happy to do
so. [turning to Joe, who is half-awake now] For a modest initial
investment of five-zousand U.S. dollars, you will enjoy ze rights and
privileges of ze very select few who are known to be ze masters of
zis very charming language called Peril. [struggling gamely with his
pronunciation] Zat is, Parole. Excusez moi, Perl.
[LeRoi coughs anxiously.]
LEROI: Ze typical graduates of our program are twenty-eight percent
more likely to be hired within ze first twenty-eight days of zeir job
search, and zey are twenty-eight percent more likely to be hired by
companies in ze top twenty-eight percent of ze industry, and zey are
twenty-eight percent more generously compensated. Additionally, zey
keep zeir jobs an average of twenty-eight percent longer and zey are
twenty-eight percent more likely to be considered to have ze manly
capability and razor-sharp coiffure of a manageur.
[Professor Proof nods in approval.]
LEROI: So, you see, mon
