-Caveat Lector-
from http://www.theonion.com/onion3535/disgruntled_ninja.htm
DISGRUNTLED NINJA SILENTLY KILLS 12 CO-WORKERS
[Image] Above: A 1996 photo of Azuma Copier employees,
including Tenchumaru (center).
SKOKIE, IL--Toshiro Tenchumaru, a 34-year-old ninja and
longtime employee at Azuma Copier Corporation in Skokie,
stealthily took the lives of 12 co-workers Monday after suffering
what investigators theorize was "a breakdown due to job-related
stress."
The disgruntled ninja was later captured by police while
attempting to flee on foot across telephone lines.
Tenchumaru, who, according to office manager Diane
Ellsworth, had been "unusually quiet lately, even for him," was
reportedly deeply upset about his worklife.
Following a 9 a.m. staff meeting in which management
discussed the possibility of eliminating Tenchumaru's position as
Special Secretary For Nocturnal Liquidation, the ninja rose, gave
a shallow bow and returned to his shadowy cubicle.
Ellsworth said that shortly thereafter, she and other
employees could hear what sounded like a Shinto
death-consecration ceremony, as well as "sharpening
sounds," coming from Tenchumaru's cubicle.
The first deaths are believed to have occurred just minutes
later.
"After the meeting, I was having lunch in the company
cafeteria with Eric [Miller], James [von Lustbader] and Frank
[Clavell]," office comptroller Timothy Marzano said. "I looked
down for a moment to take a bite of my sandwich, and when I
looked up, Frank's head had been cut off and placed on his tray,
Eric had been sliced in half so neatly that his hair was still
in place, and there was blood dripping from the ceiling directly
above James' chair."
Von Lustbader's dismembered body was later found inside the
ceiling.
Sales supervisor Irene Young, whose cubicle was directly
across from Tenchumaru's and who on several occasions had
questioned the wisdom of having an office ninja, was the next
victim, killed instantly when a single thrust from a razor-sharp
_ninjato-katana_ sword pierced her cubicle wall, sheared through
her computer monitor, and plunged through her heart.
Tenchumaru then snapped the neck of associate marketing
coordinator Donald Brodhagen, shredded the body of office manager
Meg Whalen with 18 throwing stars, and used his Butterfly Soul
Razor technique to stop the heart of office intern Ian Dallas
long enough to drive the intern's nose through his brain with a
single punch.
After killing Dallas, Tenchumaru ran along the tops of
cubicles to reach the office of senior sales supervisor Leonard
Haller, who was hit with eight arrows from Tenchumaru's
_saisumimen_, a whisper-quiet recurved bow of ancient design and
unparalleled craftsmanship.
"Tenchumaru's first arrow severed Haller's vocal cords,
silencing him without hitting any of the major arteries or veins
in the neck and without penetrating deeply enough to touch the
spinal column," Skokie Police Department ballistics expert Ken
Draper said. "An arrow was then fired into each of the seven
_henzoitoichi_, or major nerve clusters, of Haller's body. Though
the hits themselves were not fatal, the excruciating pain killed
Haller within 10 seconds."
Four more Azuma employees were later found dead, two of them
eviscerated, one garrotted and one impaled upon cunningly folded
quarterly report folders.
Forensics experts said none of the bodies seemed to indicate
that the victims were aware of the ninja's presence at the moment
of death.
Tenchumaru was relatively new to America, having been
transferred from the Azuma Ninja Clan's mountain headquarters in
Japan's Hokkaido Prefecture to Skokie in December 1998. Following
the brutal slaying of his Grandmaster at the hands of a rival
school, Tenchumaru requested permission to perform the Ritual of
Blood Revenge, but was transferred to the Skokie office instead.
Co-workers said that despite Tenchumaru's quiet demeanor, he
would occasionally voice dissatisfaction with his work
environment.
"He didn't say much. Half the time, I didn't even know he
was around," payroll secretary Georgette Billups said. "But when
he did talk, it was usually to complain about how hard it was to
get a decent cup of tea around the office, or how he shouldn't
have to listen to Tim [Marzano] because he wasn't a _daimyo_
warlord, and how the copy machine lacked the beauty and _shibumi_
of hand-brushed calligraphy. But I honestly didn't think it would
come to this. I mean, he was basically a shy guy."
Tenchumaru has issued a statement through his lawyer asking
that he be allowed to perform ritual _seppuku_ suicide in his
cell. He also requested that Senjuro Akechi, master of
_Myojinsoga_-style swordsmanship and CEO of Azumacorp East, be
his second in the ceremony.
Copyright (c) 1999 Onion, Inc., All rights reserved.
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