Since I have been accused of having "literary eloquence" by tr3nity (Michael) in his parting shot, and using it to dominate this group, I figure I should do what any upstanding American does when accused of something complimentary, and make a buck from it. :-)
So consider this a "teaser" lesson in my new training course on how to (in Michael's words) dominate an Internet group through literary eloquence. Lesson 1 -- How 2 Write Gud Lyk Me 1. Write. If all you do is lurk, how do you ever expect to dominate shit? I mean, Duh. 2. Write only when you feel like you've got something to say, never just because you're bored. Good rants that dominate Internet groups "descend" upon one like...uh...like the grace of God. Catch the wave when this grace appears, and write it all down as it washes through you with its powerful bubbling bliss. 3. Just write and throw it out there. One good edit pass before you click Send is good, because everybody makes typos, but don't spend too much time trying to make it perfect. It won't be, no matter how hard you try, and let's face it...most people here are going to skim what you write anyway, so why break a sweat trying to make it perfect for them. This is what I do, and it seems to have enabled me to dominate this forum, so hey!...it might work for you. 4. Be yourself. If you're a brilliant philosopher or rocket scientist, write like a brilliant philosopher or scientist. Otherwise, write like Just Another Asshole, like the rest of the people on the forum. In general, the more you are Being Yourself, the better people will respond to your posts, and the sooner you will be able to dominate them. 5. When you get negative feedback (there are a few misfits on every Internet group who just don't want to be dominated), laugh at them and do your best to help others laugh at them, too. They're going to try to sucker you into "defending your- self" in some head-to-head debate, but why bother? Better to laugh them off and concentrate on domination IMO. 6. Use the IMO acronym. Use it a LOT, sometimes even spelled out as "in my opinion." The people giving you negative feed- back and resisting your domination of them aren't going to, and so this distinguishes you from them in the minds of the other posters and lurkers. It's *them* you want to dominate, not the ones who get in your face. Dominate the others well enough, and the ones who get in your face will leave anyway, throwing out one last whiny parting shot as they go. 7. Every so often, write about something that's fun for you, and might be fun for others as well. Again, the in-your-face types don't ever do this (nothing IS fun for them), so you'll stand out, and that will speed your goal of group domination. 8. Be yourself. Also repeat yourself a lot. It helps, because the people you're trying to dominate aren't really the sharpest pencils in the box, and don't have much of an attention span. 9. Don't exceed the posting limits. That's what the in-your- face types do. Look closely at those who've spent time in the FFL "penalty box" for overposting. Has anyone ever accused *them* of group domination? 'Nuff said. 10. Suck up to Curtis. Everybody likes Curtis, and if you can get him to like you by complimenting his sucky music or his taste in women, he'll subconsciously aid you in your attempts at group domination. There are many, many, many more tips like this in store for you if you take the full Literary Eloquence (TM) Training Course. These ten points are like the "loss leaders" at K-Mart that are supposed to get you to drive across town and spend 2 bucks less for something you don't need so you'll buy all sorts of other shit you don't need while you're in the store. Believe me, you'll get your money's worth if you sign up for the full course. I'll have you dominating Internet groups in 5-7 years, absolutely. And I'll even provide a few Advanced Techniques (at an additional charge, of course) along the way, techniques for increasing your Evil Shakti (TM). Some of these Advanced Techniques are going to require equipment, but hey!, you can find black cats almost anywhere these days. So don't be a wuss. Learn to dominate today. Sign up and become the writer of your dreams. Or at least your wet dreams.
