NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to
govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
will resume monarchial duties overall states, commonwealths and other
territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new
prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who
have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders)
will appoint a minister for America without the need for further
elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of
you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Then look up aluminium. Check the pronunciation
guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been
pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels. Look up vocabulary. Using the same
twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as like and
you know is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up interspersed.
2. There is no such thing as US English. We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
accents. It really isnt that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God
Save The Queen, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would
not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American football. There
is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American
football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware
that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one
else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to
play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be
best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game.
Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which
is similar to American football, but does not involve stopping for a
rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like
nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens
side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear
weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not
aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves
lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. Merde is
French for shit.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th
will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be
called Indecisive Day.
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap
and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will
understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. Its been driving us
crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation.
