Just to chear - well, some of you - up. Eva ------- Forwarded Message Follows ------- Vatican Announces Christ Genome Project VATICAN CITY - In a stunning development, Pope John Paul II, after a private screening of Jurassic Park, announced that the Catholic Church will embrace the technology of genetic engineering and embark on an ambitious project. Beginning with DNA recovered from the Shroud of Turin, Vatican scientists will begin the gene sequencing project immediately, with the ultimate goal of of producing a second coming sometime early in the next century. In working up to their goal, they will recover DNA from other sacred relics, producing a battery of saints and other holy men before actually producing the Son of Man. Relatives of the deceased could not be reached for comment. "We understand that this is a big change," the pope said, "and we ask for your patience. Obviously we are concerned with declining membership worldwide, and we hope this will stabilize our numbers and create a resurgence of faith. However, our main goal is to try and wrap this up and bring about the Kingdom of God on Earth by, assuming we stay on schedule, 2013; 2015 at the latest." Sharp criticism of the project came from the Baptist church, who claimed that the Vatican's virtual monopoly on bits of dead holy people should be restrained. The Baptist church is pushing for legislation to force the Vatican to allow scientists from other religions access to the DNA of important religious figures. "I don't know what they're complaining about," said a Vatican spokesperson, "Once we've sequenced the John the Baptist Genome, the license will be available for a modest fee. In fact, with our generous pricing structure and multi-saint discounts, they could afford several copies. Granted, he is not one of our first saints to be produced, but our schedule is available. Check us out on the web at http://www.vatican.com/christ_genome.html." A vatican scientist connected with the Christ Genome Project, discussing the project under condition of anonymity, said that the Christ Genome Project has a hidden agenda. According to our source, the ultimate goal is not, in fact, to clone Jesus, but to use recombinant DNA to create a `Jesusraptor.' "The Jesusraptor, about 9 feet long, would be able to chase down sinners at speeds of up to 60 kilometers per hour and dispatch them with the enormous claws on the big toe of each foot," according to our source, who provided us with various technical documents. Vatican sources denied this claim, adding that, "when we find out who is spreading these lies, we're going to excommunicate them, and then they'd better watch their back." *************** Regards, Dave Palmer <[EMAIL PROTECTED]> **************** As much as the author would like to spend precious minutes of the rapidly- dwindling time remaining in his life responding to your kind and thoughtful letter about how he is going to spend eternity in a lake of fire being eaten by rats, he regrets that he is unable to do so, due to the volume of such mail received. **************** http://members.xoom.com/dwpalmer/home.htm ***************** ----- End of forwarded message from David Palmer -----
