Blonde moment darlings forgot to include the message!!
On 27 Jun 2008, at 23:32, Sue Duckles wrote:
> THE TIMES
>
> Letter of the Year:
>
> An elderly lady actually wrote this letter to her bank.
> The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it
> published in The Times and this newspaper thanks him most
> sincerely..
>
>
> Dear Sir,
>
> I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with
> which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my
> calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between
> his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the
> funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic
> monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement, which, I admit,
> has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended
> for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting
> my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused
> to your bank.
>
> My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident
> has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that
> whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters,
> when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
> overcharging, re-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has
> become. From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
> flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will
> therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive
> at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially
> to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
>
> Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other
> person to open such an envelope.
>
> Please find attached an Application Contact Status, which I require
> your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages,
> but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows
> about me, there is no alternative. Please note that a Solicitor must
> countersign all copies of his or her medical history, and the
> mandatory
> details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and
> liabilities)
> must be accompanied by documented proof.
>
> In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number, which
> he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be
> shorter
> than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button
> presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone
> bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of
> flattery.
>
>
> Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press
> buttons as follows:
> 1-- To make an appointment to see me.
> 2-- To query a missing payment.
> 3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
> 4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
> 5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
> nature.
> 6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
> 7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access
> my computer is required. A password will be communicated
> to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
> 8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8
> 9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be
> put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
> While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
> will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again
> following
> your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the
> setting
> up of this new arrangement.
>
> May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New
> Year..
>
> Your Humble Client
>
> Addendum from The Editor:
> IMPORTANT to REMEMBER that this letter was written by a
> lady who is a 98 year old woman;
> DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!!!?
>
>
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