[lace-chat] :) Jokes from Poland
I seem to have acquired a new source recently :) We're still getting things straightened out (I don't need a lot of visual stuff which is interesting, but takes up space in the MBs, and some of the jokes had been round the block at least once before he'd joined the group), but I'm beginning to get more and more good jokes from him. The trouble is, they come po polsku and I have to translate... OTOH, it also means that, being lazy, I do more pruning, which must be good :) 1) A parachuting instructor checks his students' equpment before they board the plane. He corrects something here, something else there. He comes to the last one, and tightens the student's harness to the max. How is it now? he asks. Everyhing OK? OK! The harness doesn't press the testicles too much? No, sir! Good guy! What's your name? Katie, sir! ** 2) An American, on a visit in Warsaw, enters a shop and asks the salesgirl: Do you speak English? Yes, I do, she answers. The American exhales in relief... Marlboro, please *** 3) A man comes to a dentist's office, and asks how much it would cost to have a wisdom tooth pulled. 200 zloty, says the dentist. A bit too expensive, says the man. Well, says the dentist, I could save some on the anesthesia, and do it for 150 No way to make it cheaper? It's still too much says the man. I could do it for 100. No anesthesia, no special equipment, just a pair of pliers says the dentist somewhat doubtfully. That's still a bit steep, says the man. Is that the cheapest you can do it for? Well... says the dentist, no anesthesia, pliers, and a student doing it for practice... I could go down as low as 50, but that's the lowest I can quote you Excellent! Wonderful! exclaims the man. That will do just perfectly! Please sign up my wife for Thursday afternoon -- Tamara P Duvallhttp://t-n-lace.net/ Lexington, Virginia, USA (Formerly of Warsaw, Poland) To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] :-)) Jokes
Joke 1: Shakey went to a psychiatrist. Doc, he said, I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. you gotta help me, I'm going crazy! Just put yourself in my hands for two years, said the shrink. Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears. How much do you charge? A hundred dollars per visit. I'll sleep on it, said Shakey. Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. Why didn't you ever come to see me again? asked the psychiatrist. For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars. Is that so! How? He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Joke 2: At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle. The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained, I was just trying to be a good ring bear. Joke 3: Cash, check or charge? I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse. Do you always carry your TV remote? I asked. No, she replied. But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him. Joke 4: An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, Pull, Nellie, pull! Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, Pull, Buster, pull! Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, Pull, Coco, pull! Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, Pull, Buddy, pull! And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try! To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] jokes
Some of these have been around before, but they're fun anyway.
16 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN by Dave Barry
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on
the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has
not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be
meetings.
3. There is a very fine line between hobby and mental illness.
{does this apply to lacemaking? }
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want
you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling
reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests
that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging
from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a
big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
{ I don't agree with this one, I've been trying to get DH to get me a
present for each year of my life..would've had 59 this year..I like
presents. Think of the benefits. It would make having another birthday and
getting older more exciting. Buying all those presents would have to boost
the economy etc. :)}
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender,
religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside,
we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
{well, I am, so there. :) }
13. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice
person (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails).
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built
the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine.. They start out as grapes,
and it's up to the women to stomp the heck out of them until they turn into
something acceptable with which to have dinner.
{or, as my mother used to say, it's like getting a block of granite and a
rusty spoon, and you've got to make something out of it }
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[lace-chat] :-) Jokes
1.. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent. 2.. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, I've lost my electron. The other says, Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I'm positive... 3.. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, I'll serve you, but don't start anything. 4.. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. 5.. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, Sorry we don't serve food in here. 6.. A dyslexic man walks into a bra. 7.. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: A beer please, and one for the road. 8.. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: Does this taste funny to you? 9.. Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home' That sounds! l! ike Tom Jones Syndrome. Is it common? Doc says It's Not Unusual. 10.. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, I was artificially inseminated this morning. I don't believe you, said Dolly. It's true, no bull! exclaimed Daisy. 11.. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. 12.. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? Well, says the vet, let's have a look at him So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth Finally, he says, I'm going to have to put him down. What? Because he's cross-eyed? No, because he's really heavy. 13.. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. 14.. I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. ! He! said, No, the steaks are too high. 15.. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel. 16.. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fish. 17.. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, Is the bar tender here? Jean in Poole To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
[lace-chat] Jokes du jour...
OK - some of these have long whiskers, but we've had a long dry spell on good jokes lately... 1. Jesse Jackson, Jim Baker, and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book ... It's called: Ministers Do More Than Lay People. 2. My next house will have no kitchen---just vending machines and a large trash can. 3. The difference between the Pope and your boss is that the Pope only expects you to kiss his RING. 4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone. 5. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary! 6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once, the seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood. 7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too. 8. A husband is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house 9. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. 10. The only thing wrong with a beautiful drive to work is that you still end up at work. 11. Americans are getting stronger. 50 years ago, you needed a station-wagon to hold $10 worth of groceries. 20 years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Now, a five year-old can do it. 12. A blonde said, I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn-signal fluid. 13. I'm so depressed... My Dr. refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building. 14. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, Will? What will? I'm making a list of the people I wanna bite. 15. Teenagers: God's punishment for enjoying sex. Clay Blackwell Lynchburg, VA To unsubscribe send email to [EMAIL PROTECTED] containing the line: unsubscribe lace-chat [EMAIL PROTECTED] For help, write to [EMAIL PROTECTED]
