LI Jokes for Wednesday
Sue Hartigan [EMAIL PROTECTED] writes: The Top 15 Signs You Read Too Many Comic Books 15 More than a little disappointed you didn't get invited to Superman's wedding. 14 Keep memorizing words like "SSPPLLAATT", "KAPOW", and "BLAO" for school spelling bee. 13 Your resume lists your last three jobs as Defender of the Galaxy, Sidekick to Defender of the Galaxy, and Assistant Manager of Inter-Galactic 7-11. 12 You shout "Curses! Foiled again" when they forget the catsup at the drive-through. 11 You whack your boss over the head with a hammer and are surprised when his skull doesn't pop back into shape. 10 Despite repeated attempts to stop speeding cars with your bare hands, neighbors still think you're just a suicidal lunatic. 9 At age 43, you set the regional subscription record for Grit Magazine. 8 Your compulsive self-narrative renders you too transparent for a career in real estate or car repair. 7 You're the only one wearing a cape at step aerobics. 6 "Holy 40-year-old virgin, Batman!" 5 Wife is getting tired of you introducing her as "My trusty sidekick." 4 Most of your sick days are due to "the effects of the earth's yellow sun." 3 Refusing to admit you're drunk, you vow revenge on the evil "Flaccidus" for your inability to "perform." 2 Your secret identity keeps drinking all the beer. and Top5's Number 1 Sign You Read Too Many Comic Books... 1 Your attempts at becoming "Danger Cloud" are proving hard on the underwear. - Top Ten Signs You Might Be A Sysadmin 10. You see a bumper sticker that says "Users are Losers" and you have no idea it is referring to drugs. 9. Your sleep schedule is similar to that of the great horned owl. 8. You make more than all of the MBAs you know who actually finished college. 7. You have enough computing power in your house or apartment to render obscene pictures of upper management people. 6. Your idea of a social event is going to a Non-Disclosure Discussion. 5. The last time you wore a tie was your high school graduation. 4. The last time you kissed someone was in high school. 3. "What? No raise? No Backups, then!" 2. You have a vanity plate on your car that names part of the Unix File System. And the number one sign you might be a Sysadmin... 1. You have ever uttered the phrase "I will be working from home today so I can avoid wearing pants." Top 25 Explanations by Programmers when their programs don't work: 1. Strange... 2. I've never heard about that. 3. It did work yesterday. 4. Well, the program needs some fixing. 5. How is this possible? 6. The machine seems to be broken. 7. Has the operating system been updated? 8. The user has made an error again. 9. There is something wrong in your test data. 10. I have not touched that module! 11. Yes yes, it will be ready in time. 12. You must have the wrong executable. 13. Oh, it's just a feature. 14. I'm almost ready. 15. Of course, I just have to do these small fixes. 16. It will be done in no time at all. 17. It's just some unlucky coincidense. 18. I can't test everything! 19. THIS can't do THAT. 20. Didn't I fix it already? 21. It's already there, but it has not been tested. 22. It works, but it's not been tested. 23. Somebody must have changed my code. 24. There must be a virus in the application software. 25. Even though it does not work, how does it feel? - There's this guy on a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison . . ." --- Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are. The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow". The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet". The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by
Re: LI Jokes for Wednesday
[EMAIL PROTECTED] (Viola Provenzano) writes: Hi Sue, The "Not Raising Hogs" joke had me on the floor LMAO. It is priceless! Thanks for giving me so many chuckles. It really brightens the day. Vi "What the world needs more of is not love, but justice." Anon. __ You wrote: . . .P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese. _ You don't need to buy Internet access to use free Internet e-mail. Get completely free e-mail from Juno at http://www.juno.com Or call Juno at (800) 654-JUNO [654-5866] Subscribe/Unsubscribe, email: [EMAIL PROTECTED] In the body of the message enter: subscribe/unsubscribe law-issues
LI Jokes for Wednesday
Sue Hartigan [EMAIL PROTECTED] writes: -= Top Ten Ways President Clinton Can Distract Attention From The Scandal =- 10. Make guest appearance on "Ellen" as "Ricky-the Gay Gabana Boy." 9. Have name of country officially changed to "Spiceworld." 8. Call himself "El Presidente" and ride around the White House on a Donkey. 7. Star in new movie about misunderstood genius, "Good Bill Clinting." 6. Begin State of Union address by announcing, "I am so baked right now, dude!" 5. Appear on CBS special, "Presidential Interns Do the Darndest Things." 4. Release rap album under name "Puff Puffy." 3. During press conference, use fly rod to yank off Sam Donaldson's toupee. 2. Appear on "Jerry Springer" and beat the crap out of Kenneth Starr. 1. Start harassing himself. -- Quotes on Recent Events "The 1998 Winter Olympics are under way in Nagano, Japan. CBS has promised 128 hours of coverage... that is, unless Monica Lewinsky gets a hair cut or something." - Conan O'Brien "The news this week is hot... even my Newsweek came in a plain brown wrapper." - Jay Leno "Newsweek and Time both have cover stories about the sex scandal. Meanwhile the Star and National Enquirer ran full coverage on the pope's visit to Cuba." - Cutler Daily Scoop "A former co-worker says Lewinsky often commented about how sexy Al Gore was. Okay, so now we know she's attracted to anything that does and doesn't move." - Conan O'Brien "While he was campaigning for office, Clinton told young people they should wait to have sex. Now we know what he wanted them to wait for. Him." - Jay Leno "Penthouse offered Lewinsky $2 million to pose nude. This confirms what Clinton said in his State of the Union address: He is creating high paying jobs for young people." - Jay Leno "You know, I think this whole thing started because interns are underpaid. Secret Service agents make $75,000 a year and they only have to take a bullet for the president." - Jay Leno "Conspiracy buffs claim that the celebrity skiing accidents are actually a conspiracy... the trees were planted." - Humor Newsgroup "A devout Hindu is suing Taco Bell for serving him a beef burrito instead of the bean burrito he ordered. He said the forbidden meat caused nausea, loss of sleep and many doctor's visits. In its defense, Taco Bell said the same thing would have happened if he'd gotten the bean burrito." - Unknown Source --- Two guys in a pickup truck were driving home one day, when they see a dirt road that was big enough for only one vehicle. They debated a while whether or not to explore what was down there. In the end, they decided to go for it. After driving down the road for a while, they saw a blonde standing on the side of the road. She asked for a ride, and they agreed, so she hopped in the back of truck. They continued driving down the road, when all of a sudden a semi-truck was coming right towards them. They swerved off the road and ended up in a river. The two guys got out in time, but they didn't see the blonde. They started to think the worst and feared she died. A few minutes later, she suddenly appeared and they incredulously asked her what happened. She said, "I couldn't get the tailgate open." -- WHAT THE ORGANIZATIONAL CHART DOESN'T TELL YOU In the lower ranks of the MIS world, sorting out job titles is a nearly impossible task. Some folks are called Analysts. Some are called Programmers. Some are called Engineers. None of them has window offices. So I have listed -- from lowest to highest in order of prestige -- and described the 10 most commonly used job titles in a data processing shop. A truly experienced high-tech professional has held five or even six of these positions . . . usually all at the same time. 10. Programmer: This person holds the lowest rank in the DP field. Manages no one. Answers to everyone. Approximately 50% of the Programmer's time is scheduled for testing. Another 50% is spent filling out time cards and progress reports. Any time left over is spent attending classes on technologies that will never be used in the shop. The Programmer is appraised on code quality and reliability. Never has time to write any. Hopes to, someday, be promoted to Systems Analyst. 9. Systems Analyst: The Systems Analyst refuses to code anymore. Designs new systems. Writes specs for new systems. Devises procedures and work flows for new systems but ends up training users on how to get by with the old ones. Next in line for Team Leader position. 8. Team Leader: A Team Leader manages one project. Doesn't know why he's not called Project Leader; that's what he has on his resume. 7. Project Leader: Manages several projects at once. Analyzes Gantt charts from the Team Leaders' projects. Coordinates schedules from the Team Leaders' projects. Monitors deliverables from
