MI Friday Funnies
"The future will be better tomorrow." - Vice President Al Gore -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI Friday funnies...
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you. Better to be safe than.Punch a 5th grader Strike while the ..Bug is close It's always darkest before.Daylight Savings Time Never underestimate the power of...Termites You can lead a horse to water but..how? Don't bite the hand that...looks dirty No news is.impossible A miss is as good as a.Mr... You can't teach an old dog new.math If you lie down with dogs, you'll..stink in the morning Love all, trustme The pen is mightier than the...pigs An idle mind isThe best way to relax Where there's smoke there'spollution Happy the bride whogets all the presents A penny saved is...not much Two's company, three's.the Musketeers Don't put off till tomorrow what...you put on to go to bed Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry andyou have to blow your nose None are so blind as...Stevie Wonder Children should be seen and notspanked or grounded If at first you don't succeed..get new batteries You get out of something what you..see pictured on the box When the blind leadeth the blind...get out of the way Better late than...pregnant. = Atlanta, Georgia -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Re: MI Friday Funnies, Part Deux
In retaliation here is some for the guys The Women's Guinness Book of Records >Traffic Light Cosmetics >The longest spell spent oblivious to traffic lights whilst applying makeup >was one of 1 hr 51 mins 8 secs by Ms. Janet Dodson (GB) at a road junction >in the centre of Preston on 1st August 1975. Ms. Dodson, a piano teacher, >beautified herself through 212 cycles of the lights, creating a tailback of >irate motorists stretching almost 28 miles towards Leeds. > >Car Parking >The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one >of 19.36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. >Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova 'Swing' on 12th >October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in Ropergate, >Pontefract, and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 >hours 14 minutes later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of >her own and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lamp >posts. > >Incorrect Driving >The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504 km (313 >miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn (GB) at the wheel of a >Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into >her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from >the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest >completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator >flashing. > >Shop Dithering >The longest time spent dithering in a shop was 12 days between 21st August >and 2nd September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks (GB) in the Birmingham branch >of Dorothy Perkins. Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs. Wilks >could not choose between two near identical dresses which were both in the >sale. After one hour, her husband, sitting on a chair by the changing room >with his head in his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs. Wilks eventually >bought one for 12.99, only to return the next day and exchange it for the >other one. To date, she has yet to wear it. Mrs. Wilks also holds the >record for window shopping longevity, when, starting September 12th 1995, >she stood motionless gazing at a pair of shoes in Clinkard's window in >Kidderminster for 3 weeks two days before eventually going home. > >Jumble Sale Massacre >The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a jumble >sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on >February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial scramble >to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush at the first >table.A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore dress costing 10p >which escalated into a full scale melee resulting in another 18 lives being >lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then ensued and quickly spread >throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble sale raised GBP >5.28p for the local boy scouts. > >Talking about Nothing >Mrs. Mary Caterham (GB) and Mrs. Marjorie Steele (GB) sat in a kitchen in >Blackburn, Lancs. and talked about nothing whatsoever for four and a half >months from 1st May to 7th August 1978, pausing only for coffee,cakes and >toilet visits. Throughout the whole time, no information was exchanged and >neither woman gained any new knowledge whatsoever.The outdoor record for >talking about nothing is held by Mrs. Vera Etherington (GB) and her >neighbour Mrs. Dolly Booth (GB) of Ipswich, who between 11th November 1983 >and 12th January 1984 chatted on over their fence in an unenlightening >dialogue lasting almost 62 days until Mrs.Booth remembered she'd left the >bath running. > >Gossiping >On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes Banbury >popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of which she >told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was having an >affair with the butcher. After Mrs. Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs. >Banbury immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy. >By 2.30pm, she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen to >372 and by 4.00pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including the >local Amateur Dramatic Society, several knitting circles, a coachload of >American tourists which she flagged down and the butchers wife. When a >tired Mrs. Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that night, Mrs. Blatherwick's >affair was common knowledge to a staggering 75,338 people, enough to fill >Wembley Stadium. > >Group Toilet Visit >The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously >is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social Security, Longbenton. At >their annual Christmas celebration at a night club in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne >on October 12th 1994, Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and >w
MI Friday Funnies, Part Deux
Oh I know I'm not supposed to send two of these so I'll probably get chastisedBUT after reading all those jokes poking fun at women I figured I owed all you studly males this one! One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God. "Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?" Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples." "Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you," "What's a man, Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a difficult time. But... he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking balls about. Because he won't be too smart he'll also need your advice to think properly." "Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?" "Well ... you can have him on one condition." "What's that, Lord?" "As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... so you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. Just remember, it's our little secret... You know, woman to woman." heh heh heh :) <;)))>< Sarah Myers Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI: Friday funnies
Some of these 'factoids' are simply amazing - some of them made me cringe The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; "7" was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP" indicated the direction of the bubbles. Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there. Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma. American car horns beep in the tone of F. No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times. Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes. 1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television. Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum. The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache. A Boeing 747's wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class. Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA." Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of varieties of pickles the company once had. The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets. Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin. The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts. (this is that obnoxious Barbie doll with the big boobs) Betsy Ross is the only real person to ever have been the head on a Pez dispenser. Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined. Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor. Marilyn Monroe had six toes. All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public. Walt Disney was afraid of mice. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly. <;)))>< Sarah Myers Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI Friday Funnies
I have to admit: I laughed. This came from my father in law who is a chili judge. Please do not laugh at this as it is very serious: JUDGING CHILI -- TEXAS STYLE Notes from an inexperienced chili tester named Frank, who was visiting Texas: Recently, I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event: Chili #1 -- Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili Judge One -- A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick. Judge Two -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Frank -- Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put out the flames. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy. Chili #2 -- Arthur's Afterburner Chili Judge One -- Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang. Judge Two -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Frank -- Keep this out of the reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. Chili #3 -- Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili Judge One -- Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge Two -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. Frank -- This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located an uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. Chili #4 -- Bubba's Black Magic Judge One -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge Two -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. Frank -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. Chili #5 -- Linda's Legal Lip Remover Judge One -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge Two -- Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Frank -- My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Chili #6 -- Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety Judge One -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. Judge Two -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Frank -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Chili #7 -- Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili Judge One -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge Two -- Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress. Frank -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't even feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. Chili #8 -- Helen's Mount Saint chili Judge One -- A perfect ending; this is a nice blend chili; safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge Two -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Frank -- (Editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report). <;)))>< Sarah Myers Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI Friday funnies
This is from a San Diego father who has identified 35 truths he learned from his children. Gives me a whole new perspective on stay at home parents! Facts About Raising Children. . . . . 1. There is no such thing as childproofing your house. 2. If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3. A 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boywearing pound puppy underwear and a Superman cape. 5. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room. 6. Baseballs make marks on ceilings. 7. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up several times before you get a hit. 8. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. 9. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. 10. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. 11. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh-oh" it is already too late. 12. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke-lots of it ! 13. A 6-year-old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 60-year-old man says it can only be done in the movies. 14. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day. 15. If you use a waterbed as a home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it does not leak. It explodes. 16. A king-size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000-sq.-ft. house almost 4 inches deep. 17. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year-old. 18. Duplos will not. 19. Play-Doh and microwave ovens should never be used in the same sentence. 20. Super Glue is forever. 21. MacGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know. 22. So can Tarzan. 23. No matter how much Jell-O you put in the pool, you still can't walk on water. 24. Pool filters do not like Jell-O. 25. VCRs do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show they do. 26. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 27. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. 28. You probably don't want to know what that odor is. 29. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. 30. Plastic toys do not like ovens. 31. The typical fire department has at least a 5-minute response time. 32. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. 33. It will, however, make cats dizzy. 34. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. 35. A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect). <;)))>< Sarah Myers Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI Friday funnies
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said "Today, Church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind." The pastor shouted out, "Cross." Immediately the congregation started singing in unison "The Old Rugged Cross." The Pastor hollered out "Grace." The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound." The Pastor said "Power." The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood." The Pastor said "Sex." The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden way from in the back of the church a little old 87 year old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories" <;)))>< Sarah Myers Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused. -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI Friday Funnies
Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can not seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me, please!!! Thanks, Joe Dear Joe: This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of the Esc key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but VERY high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I >recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Best of luck, Tech Support Thanks, Sarah Myers Preventive Care Operations Blue Cross of California [EMAIL PROTECTED] -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
MI Friday funnies: Farmer Joe
Farmer Joe Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer. Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the" "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question." "Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!" Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road" The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie." Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?" Sarah Myers Preventive Care Operations Blue Cross of California [EMAIL PROTECTED] -- To unsubscribe from this list, send e-mail to [EMAIL PROTECTED] and put "unsubscribe MAPINFO-L" in the message body, or contact [EMAIL PROTECTED]
