Sid:
I love good satire. But I must object to posting unlabeled satirical
pieces on pen-l. I do not have the time to worry about the authenticity
of each item you present on pen-l. The more you post these pieces, the
more skeptical I become of the other interesting articles you provide.
The artistic value of "good" satire stands on its own, so please remove
the braces.
Jeff
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From: Sid Shniad
To: [EMAIL PROTECTED]; [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Subject: Raped environment led polluters on, attorneys argue
Date: Friday, January 23, 1998 6:11PM
http://www.theonion.com January 21, 1998
RAPED ENVIRONMENT LED POLLUTERS ON, DEFENSE
ATTORNEYS ARGUE
OLYMPIA, WA--In their opening statement before jurors Monday,
defense attorneys representing Pacific North Construction & Lumber Corp.
argued that their client was not at fault for the July 1997 rape of
30,000
acres of virgin forest, claiming that the forest led the development
company
on with "an eager and blatant display of its rich, fertile bounty."
"While, obviously, it is extremely unfortunate that this forest
was
raped, it should have known better than to show off its lush greenery
and
tall, strong trees in the presence of my client if it didn't want
anything to
happen," said lead defense attorney Dennis Schickle, speaking before a
courtroom packed with members of the media. "It's only natural for any
red-blooded American developer to get ideas in its head when it's
presented
with that kind of untouched beauty."
"The bottom line is," Schickle continued, "if you're going to
tease and
encourage like that, openly flaunting your abundant natural resources,
don't
be surprised by the consequences."
Public opinion regarding the high-profile case, which is being
closely
watched by timber-industry lobbyists and victims' rights groups across
the
U.S., is deeply divided. While some contend that the forced ravaging of
a
piece of land until it is stripped bare is never justifiable under any
circumstances, others say that such an action is understandable if the
wooded area gives off mixed signals.
"The Pacific North Construction & Lumber Corp. had every reason
to
believe that that forest wanted it bad," said logger Victor Duffy of
Chelan,
WA. "Just look at where it was at the time of the incident: It was in a
secluded, far-off place, nearly 25 miles from the nearest road. What
were
those trees doing in that kind of remote spot if they weren't looking
for
trouble?"
Those siding with the timber company also cite the forest's
history,
claiming that it has a reputation for being easily exploited.
"Believe me, this is no virgin forest," said Frank Abbate, owner
of the
Bellingham-based G&H Consolidated Timber. "It may try to pass itself off
as pristine and untouched, but I know for a fact that it has a long
history of
allowing itself to be used by developers."
In his opening statement, defense attorney Schickle also pointed
out
that when Pacific North loggers arrived at the forest on the day in
question,
its floor was covered in alluring, fragrant flowers that were "clearly
meant
to attract."
"When a forest drapes itself in flora of every color and scent
imaginable, it's obviously asking for it," Schickle said. "I'm sure the
plaintiff
will argue that these radiant flowers were meant to lure pollen-hungry
bees,
not pulp-hungry loggers. But how was my client supposed to know this?
When was it made clear that this colorful display was meant to attract
one
particular species of fauna but no other? When was it made clear that
this
forest was looking to satisfy the needs of bees and bees only?"
Russell Belanger, president of the National Timber And Logging
Association, agreed. "This forest made it seem like it wanted it, then
cried
environmental rape when it got it," he said. "At some point, we've got
to
start asking ourselves who the real victim is in these cases: our
nation's
promiscuous, manipulative forests, or the good, decent developers out
there who are just trying to make an honest living razing the land."
